Sexy Emails lead to breakup HELP!

Razorred_2

ceremony said:

Razorred_2 said: 

Thanks for your help and advice. 
My friends said the same thing.
Ive not got anywhere to go. With lockdown its bubbles etc

One thing I am worried about is she is goading me to hit her and saying things to get a rise from me.
The police have been called 3 times due to arguments and I think she's building a case to say I'm an abusing husband which is not true.
She can be sly and manipulative and her friends husband is a top lawer!
Now I typed all this out Its hit me I'm being very nieve.

Tread carefully there.

Don't send any 'nasty' text messages or emails even if you're really angry, because they will be used against you. Resist the goading. I know the conventional advice is 'don't move out because you'll lose the claim on your home', but seek advice yourself about the safest thing to do if you really think an abuse claim could be getting 'cooked up'.

I know a couple where the man is going through something very similar to you and while you can never be 100% certain if you're not the person actually married to them I do believe the man's version of events and the family courts are seriously letting him down right now.  You're going to need expert advice.

She is definitely cooking up a abusive husband narrative.
Shes involving Police, domestic abuse people etc .
Ive spoken to the mediator and paid for her to go to mediation too.
She is sly and from what I am aware she is reducing her salary on purpose to qualify for legal aid. 
I think shes just going to delay things. Then once she has legal aid she will go for full throttle with a solicitor to back things up.
In the meantime everything I do she will be using against me
She is playing the victim to a tee.
I want to move out but the solictor I spoke to said dont move out of your own free will.
But surely I can do something about what shes doing. Could I not go to the police and say similar? 
I feel powerless. 

Razorred_2

ceremony said:

Razorred_2 said: 

Thanks for your help and advice. 
My friends said the same thing.
Ive not got anywhere to go. With lockdown its bubbles etc

One thing I am worried about is she is goading me to hit her and saying things to get a rise from me.
The police have been called 3 times due to arguments and I think she's building a case to say I'm an abusing husband which is not true.
She can be sly and manipulative and her friends husband is a top lawer!
Now I typed all this out Its hit me I'm being very nieve.

Tread carefully there.

Don't send any 'nasty' text messages or emails even if you're really angry, because they will be used against you. Resist the goading. I know the conventional advice is 'don't move out because you'll lose the claim on your home', but seek advice yourself about the safest thing to do if you really think an abuse claim could be getting 'cooked up'.

I know a couple where the man is going through something very similar to you and while you can never be 100% certain if you're not the person actually married to them I do believe the man's version of events and the family courts are seriously letting him down right now.  You're going to need expert advice.

Hi, Thanks again for the advice.
Shes definitely going for a abusive husband claim.
Ive also found out she is manipulating her wages to qualify for legal aid.
I think it might be best to move out.
But the solicitor I spoke with today said stay but dont antagonise the situation.
She has a game plan and is being very manipulative.  
Im worried this is all going to turn really nasty.

sassyblue

Just a few things OP. An 'abusive husband claim' is an attempt to get legal aid and qualify for a fault based divorce.  In reality it means she will cite 'abusive behaviour' by you so the divorce application is granted, she can claim that as it was your fault the marriage broke down you pay the cost of the divorce application (£550) and her divorce fees with her lawyer (anywhere between £700-£1,000).  You will receive an Acknowledgment of Service form with the divorce petition from the court and in that your solicitor can state that you have not been abusive and could apply for a divorce yourself on the basis of her adulterous relationship but you do agree the marriage has irretrievably broken down and consent to a divorce. You can offer to pay half of her divorce costs (or none at all) as she will try to claim those from you.

the rest of yours and hers Solicitors fees will be negotiating the resolution of finances and should be paid by each of you.  I just wanted to make that clear because her citing abuse doesn’t mean she will walk off with a lot more money, judges who resolve finances (or approve consent orders) aren’t interested in the cause of the marriage breakdown, just a fair split for both.

if the situation is intolerable then move out.  Your solicitor can only advise you but he or she isn’t living through it.  Sometimes it’s best to stay under one roof if you believe the other party is going to stall matters, it forces the resolution ASAP.  Be aware that if you do move out she could make a claim for child maintenance but if you continue paying the mortgage you can argue you are paying that in lieu of child support.

I also wanted to tell you that the police are very often called out to splitting couples like this, so don’t antagonise your wife but remain calm if the police call and explain you are splitting and your wife is attempting to goad you to qualify for legal aid.  Did the police ask your eldest child when they attended if he’d seen anything? In any case, if your wife didn’t have any injuries and you weren’t arrested then it’s really just her word against yours.

Ignore the earlier comment about losing your claim on the house if you move out, of course you don’t. It’s a long marriage and presumably the house and mortgage has your name on it.  (Even if the house and mortgage were solely in her name you still wouldn’t lose a claim against it!).

Razorred_2

I cant thank you enough for your detailed reply.
I paid for mediation for both of us, she still hasn't had hers. Although that was 8 days ago that I paid for it.
Shes definitely stalling. 
I am being very careful around her now as she is 100% going for the abusive/ controlling husband route.
Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help my situation? Apart from taking notes and not antagonising things.
I feel in limbo and under a lot of scrutiny.  I am constantly worried about what I say and do. Because its all being twisted for her gain.

Once again, thank you for your generous help.

sassyblue

You're welcome razzored...

8 days is still early days re; mediation as we are in a pandemic.  To help your situation I can only advise to make notes as you have suggested but don't pester her to attend Mediation as she can mention this to her lawyer. All it would mean is that her lawyer can try to say you are controlling/pushy and you won’t like to see that in a letter as it’s untrue.

I should also add that your wife may not attend mediation at all, especially if she says you’ve been abusive/controlling as mediation is unsuitable in those cases for obvious reasons.  Of course in your case it isn’t true, but if mediation is unsuitable or goes ahead but does not prove successful between you then you will be given a mediation certificate that lasts four months, that ‘certificate' forms part of your court application to resolve finances should you also not be able to resolve finances within solicitors correspondence. If the certificate expires you can always obtain another one, although you will have to do what you are doing now as in trying to get her to take part in mediation.

Razorred_2

Thank you so very much. I really do appreciate your help.
I have spoke a couple of solicitors for free but I am torn.
There are firms that offer a fixed fee of £4 or £5 k rather than a "traditional" solicitor.

Do you have any advice about choosing the right solicitor please.
Thanks again

sassyblue

Ask around and get recommendations. I’ve never heard of solicitors offering fixed fees as you’ve explained, so are you expected to pay £4K-£5k even if you are settled within weeks?  

Solicitors charge by the hour but you get charged 'per unit', each unit being 6 minutes, so it’s the hourly charge divided by 10 for phone calls in and out, letters, emails and attendances in the office.  Don’t pester the solicitors daily for updates as you’re likely to be charged each time.... listen to the advice you’re given as people would often demand appointments but then telephone later on to clarify something, it’s best to correspond by email so you get a response in writing you can refer back to it later.

I think word of mouth is the best recommendation and then it’s down to 'gut feeling'. I know women often prefer a female solicitor, but ultimately you need to question if this person is 'fighty' enough for you, neither do you want one who waffles on, they need to get to the point - time is money.

also, you will need to provide ID at the beginning so don’t choose a Solicitor who’s miles away as you may need to return to provide your ID or sign documents. 

Make sure you finalise the matter with a Consent Order, solicitors should do that now - it provides a clean break in life and death from each other - but please use a reputable solicitor, one on the relationship boards recently used a cheap company and they messed up the consent order which could have cost him dearly in the long run.

hope that helps

Razorred_2

Thanks again for your support. Its unbelievably stressful but your detailed info is so helpful and has eleviated a lot of the uncertainty. 
I really can't thank you enough. 

Razorred_2

Quick update....
Shes played it to a tea. I was arrested, believe it or not for stalking!! Unreal and total nonsence.
She made a statement that was a load of BS too bringing up crap from 20 years ago and twisting things to plant a seed that I am controlling and cohersive husband who has been spying on her using people in her work!! All which is tottally untrue. I dont know anyone in her work.

I was locked up for 20 hours in a cell.  The first time in my life in police custody. I was released on bail pending further investigations. 
Been sleeping on the floor in my office and now I have had to get a room in a house share. I cant go anywhere near my family home.
I cant get in touch with her except through solicitors and thats only to arrange contact. Ive not seen my youngest (8) for over 2 and a half weeks now. She even stopped him coming to his football game on Saturday as she knew I would be there. 

My solicitor has written to her to try to get contact sorted but I think she will be a !!!!!! and delay to break the relationship I have with him.
I cant tell you all how angry I am. She has a had all this planned to perfection. With her witches cauldron of divorcee women who have capitalised on the bias in the system. The "gameplan" she said she had has been implemented impecabaly. 

I have a friend who has said its classic DARVO and after googling it I totally agree.

Any advice would be really welcome. 

sassyblue

You are paying a solicitor for their advice so listen to them. 

The solicitor I work for would tell you in no uncertain terms you do as you are told by the police and that’s not to go near her in any way, shape or form.

If she has played a game so will you, but make sure you play the long game and that’s to behave yourself and sort contact through solicitors correspondence or the courts, if necessary.

Let the police do their investigations, they shouldn’t find anything and can drop their investigation which is the only proof you need and require going forward.