Sexy Emails lead to breakup HELP!

Razorred_2

Hi.
Weve been married 22 years. Im 52 shes 42.
Got 4 boys. 18 16 11 8.
2 houses 1 rented off.
Wife has been emailing and preparing to sleep with The local Co Op Manager. Hes married too with 2 kids.
She says she doesn't love me anymore and she says all of a sudden she's looked up and thought I don't want this life!

I, love her still but I think I'm wasting my time. She clearly has no feelings for me.
I need to protect my kids, our  future and ensure we separate fairly.
I think she's hoping to keep the marital home and get me out.
The house is has £230k worth of equity and the other we rent out has £60k
She earns £25k
I earn £35k
I think its best we sell both houses, split the proceeds and have joint custody.  As anyother way means renting and that is just a waste of money.
But, the law being the way it is, I wouldn't know what a court would decide.
Please help. I'm so lost. 

Browntoa

It's a 50/50 split of assets including pensions . The pension thing works both ways so if you both have pensions a balance is struck.

If she remains in the main property as primary carer for the children it's unlikely to be sold yet unless both parties agree . If the 2 properties are of similar value then the split can happen there financially. 

Marvel1

Razorred_2 said:

I think she's hoping to keep the marital home and get me out.

Stay there, do not move out on your own accord.

TBagpuss

talk to a solicitor,  they will be able to advise you.
The overriding principal is that if a court were to make the decisions about the financial split, they must aim to achieve an outcome which is fair to you both, taking into account all the circumstances.
The starting point would be 50/50 but this will often need to be adjusted to take into account your differing needs and financial resources.:
You will both need find out how much you can borrow in your own right (assume for the purpose of getting an illustration that the existing properties are sold and the existing mortgages cleared), as this is relevant to your needs.
In your case:

• You have significantly higher income than her. This would usually mean that you would have a higher mortgage capacity than her, so she might need a bigger deposit (i.e. more than 50%^ of the capital)
• You are 10 years older than her, which means that she could take out a mortgage over 23-25 years, whereas you will probably only be able to get one over 13-15 years. This will affect the amounts you can each borrow and may mean that, despite your higher income, you both have similar borrowing capacities and therefore each need a similar deposit
• Children - you and she are free to agree to share care equally, but bear in mind that the older two will decide for themselves which of you they want to live with, you can't force them to go back ad forth if they don't want to. The younger two have less say but the issue is what is in their best interests, not what you and she think would be 'fair' or 'equal'. In the event that the children end up living with their mum (which may be the way forward if she has been the main carer up to now) that will affect what you and she each need which is relevant to what split of the assets is fair.
• It is not only the houses, but also any other assets such as pensions which will need to be dealt with and split. 

Selling the houses may not be the best option. It may make more sense for one of you to buy out the other's interest. For instance, if your wife wants to stay in the family home then if she can get a mortgage big enough to clear the current mortgage and buy you out, there is no reason why she should not do so. So again, before rushing into marketing the properties you both need to look at things such as your borrowing capacity etc .

On the figures you have given, there is about £290,000 equity in today. IF it were to be divided equally then you would each end up with about £145K. So if she wanted to buy you out she would need to be able to borrow £85K plus the amount on the current mortgage, and you could have £60K from the rented house plus £85K from her, giving a total of £145K, she would be left with equity of £145K. (assuming there is no CGT to pay on the rental property) 

Step one is always to gather and exchange information, to get a clear picture of what the total assets (including things like pensions) are, what your respective borrowing capacities are, what each of you needs to re-house etc, then start to look at how those needs can be met and how the assets should be split. 

It is a shock if you have just found out, so give yourself time to get accustomed to the fact the marriage has broken down, and get some proper, professional advice

Mickey666

Very sad.  Is there any chance that she hasn't really thought through the full implications of a divorce?  Both financial and for the children?  Particularly the 11 and 8 year olds?    Is there no chance of staying together at least until the 8 year yer old is 18?  I've known a few couples do exactly this for the sake of the kids . . . even having their own 'flings' where necessary.

Razorred_2

TBagpuss said:

talk to a solicitor,  they will be able to advise you.
The overriding principal is that if a court were to make the decisions about the financial split, they must aim to achieve an outcome which is fair to you both, taking into account all the circumstances.
The starting point would be 50/50 but this will often need to be adjusted to take into account your differing needs and financial resources.:
You will both need find out how much you can borrow in your own right (assume for the purpose of getting an illustration that the existing properties are sold and the existing mortgages cleared), as this is relevant to your needs.
In your case:

• You have significantly higher income than her. This would usually mean that you would have a higher mortgage capacity than her, so she might need a bigger deposit (i.e. more than 50%^ of the capital)
• You are 10 years older than her, which means that she could take out a mortgage over 23-25 years, whereas you will probably only be able to get one over 13-15 years. This will affect the amounts you can each borrow and may mean that, despite your higher income, you both have similar borrowing capacities and therefore each need a similar deposit
• Children - you and she are free to agree to share care equally, but bear in mind that the older two will decide for themselves which of you they want to live with, you can't force them to go back ad forth if they don't want to. The younger two have less say but the issue is what is in their best interests, not what you and she think would be 'fair' or 'equal'. In the event that the children end up living with their mum (which may be the way forward if she has been the main carer up to now) that will affect what you and she each need which is relevant to what split of the assets is fair.
• It is not only the houses, but also any other assets such as pensions which will need to be dealt with and split. 

Selling the houses may not be the best option. It may make more sense for one of you to buy out the other's interest. For instance, if your wife wants to stay in the family home then if she can get a mortgage big enough to clear the current mortgage and buy you out, there is no reason why she should not do so. So again, before rushing into marketing the properties you both need to look at things such as your borrowing capacity etc .

On the figures you have given, there is about £290,000 equity in today. IF it were to be divided equally then you would each end up with about £145K. So if she wanted to buy you out she would need to be able to borrow £85K plus the amount on the current mortgage, and you could have £60K from the rented house plus £85K from her, giving a total of £145K, she would be left with equity of £145K. (assuming there is no CGT to pay on the rental property) 

Step one is always to gather and exchange information, to get a clear picture of what the total assets (including things like pensions) are, what your respective borrowing capacities are, what each of you needs to re-house etc, then start to look at how those needs can be met and how the assets should be split. 

It is a shock if you have just found out, so give yourself time to get accustomed to the fact the marriage has broken down, and get some proper, professional advice

Hi Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I really appreciate it.
One thing I didn't mention is that the marital home has a large mortgage already. £130,000 owed. Its £900+ a month. 
I doubt she will be able to afford it and buy me out.
Would mediation be better as I know solicitors can be tribal and expensive. 
Thanks again

Razorred_2

Mickey666 said:

Very sad.  Is there any chance that she hasn't really thought through the full implications of a divorce?  Both financial and for the children?  Particularly the 11 and 8 year olds?    Is there no chance of staying together at least until the 8 year yer old is 18?  I've known a few couples do exactly this for the sake of the kids . . . even having their own 'flings' where necessary.

Thanks for your reply.
I don't think my heart could cope knowing that she was out with other men. Its hit me like a train and reading the emails they were sending to each other was horrific. I have always been faithful and love her dearly. 
I think she went with me for security and safety. That's what she needed when we met  Then as time has gone on she hasn't needed that so much.
My main priority is the kids and to do whats right for them.
I don't think I will ever love another again.
I am devastated its come to this.
I'm sleeping in our bed and she's on a blow up bed in the living room.
Were being civil as the first few days were really ugly, so I suppose that's a good thing. 
Once again thanks for your help 

Razorred_2

Browntoa said:

It's a 50/50 split of assets including pensions . The pension thing works both ways so if you both have pensions a balance is struck.

If she remains in the main property as primary carer for the children it's unlikely to be sold yet unless both parties agree . If the 2 properties are of similar value then the split can happen there financially. 

Thanks for your help and advice. 
My friends said the same thing.
Ive not got anywhere to go. With lockdown its bubbles etc

One thing I am worried about is she is goading me to hit her and saying things to get a rise from me.
The police have been called 3 times due to arguments and I think she's building a case to say I'm an abusing husband which is not true.
She can be sly and manipulative and her friends husband is a top lawer!
Now I typed all this out Its hit me I'm being very nieve.

ceremony

Razorred_2 said: 

Thanks for your help and advice. 
My friends said the same thing.
Ive not got anywhere to go. With lockdown its bubbles etc

One thing I am worried about is she is goading me to hit her and saying things to get a rise from me.
The police have been called 3 times due to arguments and I think she's building a case to say I'm an abusing husband which is not true.
She can be sly and manipulative and her friends husband is a top lawer!
Now I typed all this out Its hit me I'm being very nieve.

Tread carefully there.

Don't send any 'nasty' text messages or emails even if you're really angry, because they will be used against you. Resist the goading. I know the conventional advice is 'don't move out because you'll lose the claim on your home', but seek advice yourself about the safest thing to do if you really think an abuse claim could be getting 'cooked up'.

I know a couple where the man is going through something very similar to you and while you can never be 100% certain if you're not the person actually married to them I do believe the man's version of events and the family courts are seriously letting him down right now.  You're going to need expert advice.

TBagpuss

Razorred_2 said:

Hi Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I really appreciate it.
One thing I didn't mention is that the marital home has a large mortgage already. £130,000 owed. Its £900+ a month. 
I doubt she will be able to afford it and buy me out.
Would mediation be better as I know solicitors can be tribal and expensive. 
Thanks again

Mediation can be helpful but you will need a solicitor as well, to advise about your legal position so you are going into the mediation properly informed, and are able to get advice about any offers made within mediation. 
Since mediation is a method of helping you negotiate it works best where you are both willing to discuss things and to try to come to a fair agreement.
Look for a solicitor who is a member of Resolution https://resolution.org.uk/ - the code of conduct means that they will try to resolve things as amicably as possible.  

Crazysquirrel

Would she go to counselling or at least talk through things? My husband left me last year stating he was dissatisfied with our relationship. I don't think he handled it correctly but I see what he is saying. I stopped making an effort, sex was infrequent and boring, we argued all the time. It was just boring. If you have 4 kids and jobs and a house to manage then it won't be like it used to be. She might find it fun for a while but will soon get bored. Try to work on it if you can. At least if it doesn't work you won't have regrets.