Can I use pension to pay off debts?

fatbelly

Starling is fine

And no problem with two streams of income in a dmp

Babybelles

@desperateontheedge I’m really glad we are giving you the confidence to get this sorted. I’ve just read your explanation on why you can’t tell you DH & understand.

I actually have a friend who is in a similar position as you. Her DH is obsessed with money to the point where he excessively checks his bank accounts multiple times per day (he has MH issues). 

He is in a well paid job, has £1000’s in savings, & overpays his mortgage. Once the mortgage is paid off he then wants to concentrate on his pension (I asked him what his plan was).

This all sounds well & good, such a financially savvy guy. However, his kids get bare minimum, he hates spending money, his house needs lots of repairs & everytime his wife wants to spend money it ends in a fight so she just doesn’t bother now. His wife works part time like you so just doesn’t have the excess funds to be able to spend. I do think this situation is a lot more common than we think.

I hope things improve for you. I’ve no doubt you’ll sort out the debt but I think there’s a bigger issue which you have discussed. I am a strong woman though & literally cannot bare the thought of any man telling someone what they can do & being the ‘boss’ of the house. The same goes with women & henpecked men, it’s a marriage, a partnership. No one is owned in a relationship & life is too short to live by those kind of rules. 

At the same time I absolutely understand why you are going through with it...for now, as your kids come first. Hopefully once the debt is sorted out the rest will follow.
I’m really rooting for you here. You’ve got this!

kimwp

desperateontheedge said:

In an ideal world I would be able to tell him but I genuinely can't, I really wish I could and wish I had that kind of marriage but it would cause more problems than it fixed - I know he would limit my access to money and scrutinise any spending, he would take a tight control and I know that's probably what I need but it would affect the children too much and I can't do that. He already vetoes a lot of things I think we need (like family days out!) because he just hates spending money. Me having my own money and control of it means I can take them out myself and pay for a trip to a cafe or whatever without him putting a stop to it, that's important to me that they still get access to that. At least if I can take control of it myself, I'm hoping I can sort the debts out gradually while at the same time keeping the peace and perhaps selling a few bits on eBay to keep me going with spare money for all the things that tend to crop up and funding little trips out. He would also probably make us get rid of the dog because a lot of my money goes on her, food, insurance etc.

I know I'm making myself sound like a complete doormat here but I'm really not! Interestingly though I have looked into it on entitled2 website and if I was to leave him and declare myself bankrupt it's calculations say I would be way better off. Can't do that though.

It sounds a little like you might be better off in more ways than financially if you were to leave him to be honest. You are dealing with a lot, but worth thinking about these questions:

a) Do you want your children to have relationships like yours? Children may not hear/understand conversations about finances/relationships etc but they pick up and internalise the emotions of those around them - your relationship dynamics are what they will understand a relationship to be.

b) if a friend told you she was in the same situation, what would you advise her?

kimwp

Babybelles said:

I am a strong woman though & literally cannot bare the thought of any man telling someone what they can do & being the ‘boss’ of the house. The same goes with women & henpecked men, it’s a marriage, a partnership. No one is owned in a relationship & life is too short to live by those kind of rules.

I'm not sure it's about whether someone is strong  (or a doormat) - sometimes strong people stay in relationships that are detrimental to them because they believe they need to use their strength to care for their partner and overcome their partner's shortcomings (eg a need to be in control due childhood issues or needing to know where their partner is due to insecurities) And it takes intelligence to understand a partner to this level and navigate the many issues that arise. (Of course there are also people with other personalities who stay in detrimental relationships)

But no-one should stay in a relationship that is detrimental to them.

Babybelles

I don’t think the poster is a doormat. She’s just doing what she can for now. I’m all for loving a partner warts & all but there’s come a point in life where enough is enough. You both need to be happy & secure in a relationship & no one has the right to tell a partner what they can & can’t do.

I’ve seen how damaging these relationships are long term & agree with another poster who mentioned about what children are exposed to will absolutely have an affect on them. Saying that I am not here to judge you @desperateontheedge. I really am rooting for you & like I said I totally understand your reasons for not telling your OH. 

kimwp

Babybelles said:

I don’t think the poster is a doormat.

Yep, sorry - the OP used this term.

Babybelles

I know, I didn’t mean to get at you. I was just trying to say I didn’t agree with her statement.
Let’s hope things improve.

kimwp

Babybelles said:

I know, I didn’t mean to get at you. I was just trying to say I didn’t agree with her statement.
Let’s hope things improve.

Ace

IrishSean

Hey OP
My heart goes out to you; as others have said, it's only figures on a page, even if you defaulted the only damage, really, would be to your credit rating. Is your DH going to include you on a mortgage in the near future, my guess is probably not, so don't fret about those aspects too much at the minute.

My concerns are how £31k builds on day to day spend. From your DH spending it doesn't sound like you have a super luxurious lifestyle: if this is the case & you're part time then the only 2 answers are there's unaccounted for spending or you have an unfair proportion of household expenditure to shoulder.
I know that reads quite blunt but you need to put the fire out before rebuilding the house, otherwise any debt solution will lead to same place (you had a consol loan but had to use cards again). Go back over your spend, with double income &  a moderate lifestyle £31k even over years, with ongoing repayments is a big amount. (But not insurmountable to tackle now)

If the latter is the case then your spouse, in effect, owns a proportion of the debt. If you were covering spending on kids, and him, and house and cars and yourself then how can it be fair? Your account reads very similar to another thread last year; the lady had a lot of cultural pressures & expectations. 
Those can be social (lower income, 'man of the house', high income 'hes from money & manages his affairs alone but expects lifestyle to be maintained', religious: clearly defined roles for husband & wife, with 'money control issues' an add-on.)

solution-wise? Take ALL of this to a debt management charity. I worked in advice in 2 different sectors and the broader the pen-picture of the persons life the more accurate the advice I could give. 

I understand bankruptcy & paying off with pension seem 'clean' but bankruptcy appears in the press and do you want to live 20, 30 years worrying about your reduced income convo, even if accessing your pension was possible?

You do have options that don't involve telling your DH straight away; do get a plan in place with a debt advice charity though and reflect on the above. In cases like yours its easy to be drowned by guilt but often there are shared reasons for such debt. 

We're 15 days into a new decade: think how you'll feel in a few years when this is being effectively dealt with & read others' diaries to see how totally doable that is.

You don't need to post up everything here; your situation is complex enough to need tailored advice from a debt charity worker.


But a diary for your thoughts & feelings on your journey does no harm; it helped me massively.

GL

blues

Sorry to say your relationship sounds quite abusive. Please take care.