Adopted + Ancestry DNA + upsetting people who don't know about me

nnb

Wow so many responses! Thank you everyone for your input, it is EXTREMELY appreciated. Will have a proper read through today and reply properly a bit later on! Thank you again!

Sayschezza

Good luck nnb. I am in a similar situation in that I was adopted but by my grandparents so always knew my birth mother. I am tempted to do the DNA test but have resisted because of not wanting to hurt unknown family if I suddenly appear. My birth mother (deceased) apparently told her DD that he never knew she was pregnant as he was married. I am 77 this year so time is running out for me to do anything.

HIA

Above rings true with me, not adopted but father not on birth certificate and not aware of my existence and I was brought up by mother and her parents. I have done ancestry and got 6 2nd cousin matches, some in the city where I have lived since leaving school which I haven't followed up because I don't know if I want to know, don't want to upset his family plus mum is still living but poorly. I also have a husband and grown up kids of my own so don't feel a great need for other family.  I think it likely dad was from here as there is no link to mum's family. Thanks for the thread, interesting reading everyone's experiences.

Sayschezza

I did my dna after all and it did show I had 2nd cousins that are not on my mums side. Apparently 2nd cousins share a great grandfather so I was able to pretty much identify who my father was. As there is still a daughter living who hadn't done a dna test I messaged 1 cousin to tell her who I am and to say I had decided not to pursue the links any further so as to not cause her any stress. I doubt if any of the cousins will tell her. I have made a family tree of that side of my family though as my children and grandchildren may be interested one day.

DullGreyGuy

Great to hear the update.

My story is slightly different... I was adopted "from birth" and always knew I was adopted. My adopted father ("dad") had kids from a previous marriage and so my adoptive mother ("mum") was very sensitive that their lack of kids were due to her. My gran (maternal side) after a few too many Xmas sherries would give me titbits of information but always finish on "it'd break my mums heart if I looked into it etc".

I was generally comfortable with the situation until my 30s, my parents will always be those that raised me not those that created me. Being grown up I then started buying life insurance and had to keep ticking the unknown family history boxes and then trying for our own kids made me more curious of my own background but more in an academic sense rather than a longing or a need to connect.

So I got my adoption file and that gave me a lot of background, my biological mother was easy to track down and the record showed their was a dispute on who my father was. Whilst I hadn't done a DNA test it unfortunately did dash one childhood fantasy that my Dad was also my biological father.

I too was concerned about making contact, though could see her two subsequent kids lived very close to her and she'd been living with the same guy (none of our three fathers) for 20 odd years so probably not as a sensitive a subject. I got social services to do an intro letter for me (though it took a lot of debate to avoid having to pay for the tracing service and psych evaluations etc). 

She did respond, the letter didn't say why SS were contact her and when she called them she said she was ready to fight that she didn't owe them any money, but said she was happy to exchange emails/letters, numbers or meet. We did meet a few times, met my half brother & sister and some of my wider relatives. I somewhat regret doing it personally... it was academically interesting to me, seeing people that look just like me but there were aspects I didn't like and I know for her she was expecting the big TV emotional reunion and there wasn't any of that. I'm not sure if for her it'd have been better not to have known than to met and not created any real bond.

I have a vague route to the guy she says is my father through another member of my adoptive family. They have occasionally spoken to the guy over the years and told him about me/photos etc but I never had feedback about his stance changing... it was a casual one off encounter they had and he claims she had a lot of those so I could have been anyones. With that doubt I've never wanted to actively pursue it.

I did think about doing DNA tests around the same time, got as far as buying them, but was more looking for some distance relatives than hoping my biological father may be there. I didn't go ahead for a couple of reasons but occasionally something will happen that makes me wonder but then I remember for biological mother she didn't get everything she wanted out of the reunion and I dont want to prove that some guy spent a night with my biological mum, disrupt his life and then disappear from it again after a couple of visits. 

Maybe one day I'll do it but wait for others to contact me

Sayschezza

Bless you and thank you for telling your story. I will admit to being mildly curious about my half sister but not enough to disrupt her life. If I have any wishes at all it would be that I wish there had been two of us that shared both a father and a mother whoever they had been but equally so I love my sisters (cousins) I grew up with and life often isn't that tidy for some of us. Best wishes to you and your family.

DullGreyGuy

All three of us with the same biological mother have different biological fathers and we were all born whilst our mother was a teenager in late 70s/early 80s. She kept the other two who were born after me and they always knew about my existence. They were curious about me but the flip was slightly different because I didn't know of their existence and so it was a more nebulous curiosity of if I had any form of biological sibling whereas they had the whole story and how she had arranged the intended adoption with my parents. 

There is a family member that vaguely kept in touch with her over the years (same as my alleged biologic farther) so she/they had some updates about me and the occasional photo but not much.

Some have commented that wouldnt I have been happier staying with her and growing up with my 2 siblings... obviously its hard to speculate of what could have been but I really dont think so. My parents had the drive to deal with certain medical issues that I developed as a toddler after the Drs kept saying nothing was wrong and later the resources to send to private school etc. I am not saying she wouldnt have been a good mother, she knew she was too young and without resources to care for me which shows something, but having more mature parents with steady income etc has brought opportunities that probably wouldnt have otherwise existed. 

Brie

I have some curious cousins who have been doing a lot of research on the family on both my mom's and dad's sides.  And it's turned up a few surprises.  

On my mom's side there is another cousin of whom we weren't aware .  The individual who is most closely related contacted her and there has been a nice exchange of information and a pleasant if distant relationship has been achieved with that bit of the extended family.  I think this is because the approach was done carefully and cautiously but also because this new relative was aware of another family but hadn't a good idea on how to start looking.

Closer to home I've one relative who has refused to do the DNA tests - I think this is due to believing it might reveal too much and they just don't want the aggro.  I think something will come out at some point....for instance if I had a test and posted on Ancestry then the links might be made to whomever is out there.  Not something I have any need to do personally and wouldn't do it out of spite (as tempting at that may sometimes be to cause havoc).  Also because it could potentially reveal some individuals in our family are not actually related at all which would be a huge hornets' nest.  There are suspicions but at this point they can be overlooked.

silvercar

I thought I had some intrigue in my family history as, after doing a DNA test with 23andme, I kept hearing of second cousins. I know who all my second cousins are, so it didn’t make sense. 

Eventually after some correspondence with one, his grandfather shed light on it. It turned out this 80 year old was the much younger sibling of my paternal great grandmother and his wife was a distant relative on my mother’s side. So all the DNA connection provided a high enough figure that 23andme suggested second cousins but was in fact distant cousins of both sides combined figures.

DullGreyGuy

silvercar said:
It turned out this 80 year old was the much younger sibling of my paternal great grandmother and his wife was a distant relative on my mother’s side. 

So are you saying they were a third cousin or a second cousin once removed?



The fact that their wife is also a relative may make things more messy