Adopted + Ancestry DNA + upsetting people who don't know about me

nnb

Hi everyone, I'm after some advice - maybe someone has been through this? (I am looking at old threads too trying to find specific stories)

I bought an Ancestry DNA kit and sent it off. My results are due next week and I'm now pooping myself.

I did this as I am adopted and I only know about my birth mother's family. I was mainly curious on the ethnicities part (people assume I'm foreign until I open my gob haha) but also about finding out more about my birth father's background. My birth mother's story about who he is often changes - the info at adoption is entirely different, the agency had a suspicion it was her 'housemate', and her actual story since we met has changed a couple of times - and there are too many convenient things she's mentioned for the stories she told me herself to be true. Also, neither myself nor an expert could track down anything about this guy ever existing or any info on his supposed kids or the new family name after he apparently died.

I'm now getting nervous as I understand that in order to find out anything about relatives also on the site, I have to make my details public (as do they)......... And obviously these people may not be aware of my existence and I'm now worried about causing problems for families or ruining any memories if he has actually passed away (he was apparently married when I was conceived.) Then there's the chance it was her 'housemate' and that's a whole other can of worms. I know that person was entirely real though of the three names that have been bandied around!

But I also feel I need to do this to find out where I'm from... And kinda do have a right to know. I should add that, because I've believed he was married, my efforts to track him were not to contact him but just to be able to attempt to find out more and build myself a family tree in secret.

Is anyone else adopted and had this? What were your experiences? 

I am so unbelievably torn now the results are in sight!

Thank you in advance. And sorry if this thread has upset anyone.

[Deleted User]

 Ive done my heritage and 23 & me tests. Not adopted but was in care with lots of dodgy history. 

 Don't expect to find lots of close relatives straight away. Mine are mostly 3 to 5 cousins nothing closer. 

RAS

I've done my test and there are a few things I can share although I'm not adopted. 

There is someone to whom I'm distantly related who discovered she is not her legal father's child. Unfortunately, she has NO close contacts on Ancestry at all. It is possible that someone might test in the next few years but I only get 40 new links a year, so it could be a while before anyone useful to her signs up.

I did however find a child who was adopted out by a cousin about whom I already knew. I've not shared that with other family members or their closer relatives as I don't have consent. But traditional research led me to a situation closer to home, which also remains private.

If you read something like lostcousin's or Familytree, there are multiple story about people tracing their birth families as a result of DNA. In most instances it is more recent generations, so half siblings and cousins who are connecting. They are less emotionally invested and generally haven't taken a test without being aware of the possibilities, so manage the situation well. This doesn't mean that any surviving 'new' parent is always necessarily delighted to be traced, which you must accept as a possibility.

On the practicalities, you don't need to identify yourself on Ancestry, nor do your potential matches. It is one of the most infuriating aspects. My two closest matches have virtually nothing public but I can tell they are second cousins descended from my grandmother's second sister, not least as another cousin descended from the same marriage and I share DNA with both. Neither have used Ancestry in over a year and don't seem to be checking any email associated with their account.

You need a moniker and a user name, neither of which need to be your real name. You can keep you tree private but it might be a good move to mention in your profile that you are an adoptee seeking you birth parents, maybe explaining that you have met your birth mum and giving your possible place of conception.

You mention that your birth mother's story changes? Have you considered that she may actually not be entirely confident about your paternity or that she may also have forgotten as a survival mechanism; even just bearing a child you can't keep is deeply traumatic?

With regard to traditional research, if you know the address where your mother lived at the relevant time, it may be worth checking the electoral roll for the property and those adjacent? Then trying to trace those people forward? One recent story involved two people who could only be half siblings or cousins; they realised that their birth families lived in adjacent streets at the time, gardens backing onto each other.

Anyone who turns up as a close link and has a public link is likely to be curious but your profile would allow them to approach carefully and alert to the situation.

Wishing you well

nnb

_shel said:

 Ive done my heritage and 23 & me tests. Not adopted but was in care with lots of dodgy history. 

 Don't expect to find lots of close relatives straight away. Mine are mostly 3 to 5 cousins nothing closer. 

Thank you for your response, much appreciated x

I think I am mostly just concerned about 'worst case scenario' as it could happen (and it's just my luck haha). Out of curiosity, are your cousins definitely cousins? I only ask as I've done some reading previously and apparently half-siblings can often show as a cousin in results - obviously I've been told I have half siblings, so there is a chance these people could appear as cousins for me.

[Deleted User]

nnb said:

_shel said:

 Ive done my heritage and 23 & me tests. Not adopted but was in care with lots of dodgy history. 

 Don't expect to find lots of close relatives straight away. Mine are mostly 3 to 5 cousins nothing closer. 

Thank you for your response, much appreciated x

I think I am mostly just concerned about 'worst case scenario' as it could happen (and it's just my luck haha). Out of curiosity, are your cousins definitely cousins? I only ask as I've done some reading previously and apparently half-siblings can often show as a cousin in results - obviously I've been told I have half siblings, so there is a chance these people could appear as cousins for me.

 My nephew who i tested shows up as my second cousin! His mum and I are half sisters. 

 Not for your situation but my worst thing was discovering my dad wasnt my dad after testing him, dont think even my mum knew that, shes passed so couldn't ask. Other than my hubby no one else has been told. Life changing information, family no longer family and half of my family now unknown. So expect anything. 

nnb

RAS said:

I've done my test and there are a few things I can share although I'm not adopted. 

There is someone to whom I'm distantly related who discovered she is not her legal father's child. Unfortunately, she has NO close contacts on Ancestry at all. It is possible that someone might test in the next few years but I only get 40 new links a year, so it could be a while before anyone useful to her signs up.

I did however find a child who was adopted out by a cousin about whom I already knew. I've not shared that with other family members or their closer relatives as I don't have consent. But traditional research led me to a situation closer to home, which also remains private.

If you read something like lostcousin's or Familytree, there are multiple story about people tracing their birth families as a result of DNA. In most instances it is more recent generations, so half siblings and cousins who are connecting. They are less emotionally invested and generally haven't taken a test without being aware of the possibilities, so manage the situation well. This doesn't mean that any surviving 'new' parent is always necessarily delighted to be traced, which you must accept as a possibility.

On the practicalities, you don't need to identify yourself on Ancestry, nor do your potential matches. It is one of the most infuriating aspects. My two closest matches have virtually nothing public but I can tell they are second cousins descended from my grandmother's second sister, not least as another cousin descended from the same marriage and I share DNA with both. Neither have used Ancestry in over a year and don't seem to be checking any email associated with their account.

You need a moniker and a user name, neither of which need to be your real name. You can keep you tree private but it might be a good move to mention in your profile that you are an adoptee seeking you birth parents, maybe explaining that you have met your birth mum and giving your possible place of conception.

You mention that your birth mother's story changes? Have you considered that she may actually not be entirely confident about your paternity or that she may also have forgotten as a survival mechanism; even just bearing a child you can't keep is deeply traumatic?

With regard to traditional research, if you know the address where your mother lived at the relevant time, it may be worth checking the electoral roll for the property and those adjacent? Then trying to trace those people forward? One recent story involved two people who could only be half siblings or cousins; they realised that their birth families lived in adjacent streets at the time, gardens backing onto each other.

Anyone who turns up as a close link and has a public link is likely to be curious but your profile would allow them to approach carefully and alert to the situation.

Wishing you well

Wow thank you for such a detailed message, and kind too! (You never know how peeps on the net will react!)

Excuse that I'm only responding to bits of your reponse.

1. Thanks for clarification on ID on there. It wasn't clear to me that you're not fully identified. This is good to know!

2. Paternity: My birth mother either doesn't remember (she was a bit of a floozy) or she is outright lying (she has an incredible reputation for this). I won't go into detail here but the trauma thing is not ever an issue for her. I have nothing to do with her anymore due a complete lack of respect for her and how she treats people and I'm not the only one of her kids who feels this way.

3. That is interesting about chasing neighbours. I had looked into finding her 'housemate' years ago via local groups and ancestry groups to find people who may remember him but nothing came of it. I may look into that again, this goes back to a time when I had to use microfiche as not much was on the internet so it could be a different story now!

RAS

You're welcome. Sorry the situation with mum did not work out.

To give you a couple of clues how to protect your ID on Ancestry, if you wish to do so. Don't use your surname, married name or mum's name as the title of your tree. And then detail one relative with a distinctive name as the only person on your tree. I know who the tree owner is and their home address. Stick to person 1, person 2 for recent people and keep the tree private.

When you get the results, search for people related to those who you have already found on your mum's tree by checking trees, and check then shared matches for any with DNA results. That'll give you an expanding list of people who aren't related to your father, and start to identify any those who may be. Colour code them (add to group).

Since you'll then know your ethnicity percentages, check the ethnicity of both sets as well to look for matches.

You may of course find very little.

tacpot12

Hi! You've had some great advice already. I'm not sure if I can add to it as I am in the almost identical situation to you.
 
I did a DNA test with AncestryUK four years ago, as the first step to finding out about my birth parents. The results confirmed that half my genetic make-up was from outside of the UK, but didn't show any close links to anyone else. After receiving the results, I was curious enough to try to contact my birth mother via the government agency that oversaw my adoption as baby - something I hadn't been bothered about for years. My birth mother was unable to be precise about the identity of my father, but the candidates all fitted the location when my 'foreign' genetic make up was predicted by the DNA test! 

I've been searching for my birth father for a while, and recently signup to the DNA Detectives group on Facebook, where I found out that it also possible to download your DNA data from AncestryDNA and upload it to other sites such as MyHeritage where your might get matches with people who chose to do their tests with the other site. They members of the group clearly have a great deal of knowledge, and they also have some "Search Angels" who help people and have had some amazing successes in filling the the blanks in family trees. 

I would say you don't need to worry about the results because you remain in control of what happens next.

Grumpelstiltskin

Be sure you know exactly what the ethnicity percentages mean, for instance Ancestry  initially lump England and North West Europe together.
It is always a risk when you do DNA as you never know exactly what happened in the past.

RAS

_shel said:

 Not for your situation but my worst thing was discovering my dad wasnt my dad after testing him, dont think even my mum knew that, shes passed so couldn't ask. Other than my hubby no one else has been told. Life changing information, family no longer family and half of my family now unknown. 

That's hard. I wholly understand how devastating it is to find your heritage shattered.  

But as someone who dearly wished my father was not my dad, I'd suggest that your dad is still your dad, even if he's not your biological father.

[Deleted User]

RAS said:

_shel said:

 Not for your situation but my worst thing was discovering my dad wasnt my dad after testing him, dont think even my mum knew that, shes passed so couldn't ask. Other than my hubby no one else has been told. Life changing information, family no longer family and half of my family now unknown. 

That's hard. I wholly understand how devastating it is to find your heritage shattered.  

But as someone who dearly wished my father was not my dad, I'd suggest that your dad is still your dad, even if he's not your biological father.

 Thank you ♥️ After the initial shock thats what ive been doing. Curiosity there but thats still my family