Living with the monster

HampshireH

Well done and thank you for updating 😊

pickledonionspaceraider

Archergirl said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Certain people need to stop with the unhelpful bashing, dressed up as 'advice'.  

OP, you can, and you WILL do this.  It is a fantastic time to do this too, just before a new year

People can and do overcome addictions of all sorts, all the time.  I admire your bravery coming on here and talking about it and I wish you all the very best.

Yep defiantly agree with this helpful comment, I hope you do succeed but if you do have a slip then that may be the time to contact GA, if you can do it yourself well done, but if not be prepared to ask for help. It's a shame you can't block people who seem intent on an argument.

You can - you can just go on your profile on here and 'ignore' the posters you don't want to see
My block list grows most times I am on here tbh

pickledonionspaceraider

WELL DONE op, every day is an achievement 

sallysaver

pickledonionspaceraider said:

WELL DONE op, every day is an achievement 

I can only second the above comment.  I wish only the best for you and your family.

frankfish

Having attended GA for over 13 years I would recommened getting to a meeting.
Have heard lots of stories from people who tried to stopp themselves, with limited success, not saying you could not but why risk it. Ga not only helps you stop gambling it helps you become a better person

TwoUpTwoDown

Good morning all
I hope you all had a nice weekend. Just thought i'd pop by and give an update.
Still no gambling since i last wrote which is great - nearly another two weeks. I'm starting to notice a settling down of the urge now - not to say it's gone completely, but like smoking, after a while the craving just starts to calm down. Like smoking however, all it may take is a 'couple of drinks' to re-ignite that urge so i've been focusing on what my triggers are. 
The main one i would say comes from a combination of boredom/idleness and the belief that if i have one more go, i may be able to win back what I've lost. Beneath that lies the old Dopamine urge to get that instant gratification which drives it further.
So i've taken to finding activities that enourage an oxytocin response which is more about long term chemical gratification - the kind you find with love and long-term goals. To translate that, it has equalled more time with family, time spent doing things around the house to further build a home - not just a job done but an effort to see the bigger picture. That boredom wasn't in fact really there, it was an excuse in my head that i had nothing else i'd rather be doing.
The good feeling i get from stopping gambling plus the good feeling from making gains in other parts of my life has left a combined mental health turnaround for me where i feel more in control, more positive and look forward to achieving more towards my goals.
I've not yet attended any GA meetings or other mainly down to time constraints in my life, but i have made an effort to re-read mindfulness books and  take the time to reflect on myself, especially in front of the mirror (as much as that image sometimes troubles me - wrinkles are introducing themselves at an alarming rate!) and i'm genuinely liking the person i see at the moment. I still see the monster there in the background and I'm not sure if it will ever leave but i think it's important right to still recognise it rather than pretend it's gone and i'm now cured.
Looking back over my life, to those times when i was 18 and down the pub and putting in 10-20 pounds of a wage that wasn't much more than double that each week, it's easy to see that habits formed early and although i never got in to debt because of it, the rush associated with it, the need for instant gratification has had a profound effect on how i try to achieve other things. Comparatively, it's probably the same feeling when you get likes to a facebook post but then need to see more and more to keep the surge of good feeling going otherwise you crash.
Breaking the cycle and moving towards a life where i re-balance between feeling good for a job done and achieving longer term goals will take time but i think it sets me on a clear path for recovery. This diary post for example gives me a short term boost, but maintaining and keeping writing is what will differentiate it from something that falls back in that instant gratification of just wanting responses with no further comms.

I'm going to take more time to understand chemical processes and how to find that balance as it's an approach that makes sense to me and so far has been of great benefit. 

sallysaver

Keep going TwoUpTwoDown.  Although it is still early days, I think you're doing amazingly well.

Archergirl

Wow, impressive, as you know you could be just one bet away but you are being mindful and I wish you every success xx 

HampshireH

Hope you are still doing well OP 🙂

TwoUpTwoDown

Good afternoon all

Firstly, i must apologise for a such a lengthy, delayed response on this thread.
It's now nearly a year on and I'm happy to say that I have not gambled 1 penny in that time
Life is good , family are well, and I have a new rewarding job which is going well.

It has been a busy year and it hasn't been one without challenge in terms of gambling temptation but I have developed mental tools to help cope with the feelings as well as having physical and digital blocks in place to protect me. I've not yet had to rely on the physical blocks which is encouraging so far!

A year on, I am more philosophical with respect to some of the comments left previously, both negative and positive. 
Firstly, there is undeniably the fact that monies lost will never be regained which has meant that in one way or another my family will have lost out on something but i am at peace with that and I have made efforts to sacrifice my own monthly spend to the point where I have now built this pot back up to where it was. In this way, I think i have started to pay back my debt to my family.

Most controversially I guess is that to this day I have not spoken to my partner about the whole thing. I think I'm close to talking to her about it and if anything i would expect the situation to be worse on the basis that i didn't discuss things before. That's just something i will have to live with regardless of her reaction. I know most will see it as a lie and betrayal and cowardly and i don't disagree that those elements are there but there is also a massive amount of shame attached to the behaviour. If i go back to my original post, the whole looking the monster in the face theme comes up all over again and I think I'm ready to be able to do that and talk about it without my shame taking me down a road where i no longer feel able or valid enough in my family's life. I genuinely think before I may well have left them out of hatred for myself in terms of who i felt i had become and leaving my family is worse in my eye than taking time to talk about something. I'm not asking for people's agreement on this as i don't think that's the case - I'm just saying it based on my own mental makeup.

Funnily enough i do tend to still watch some gambling streams and despite big wins and watching spin after spin it makes me feel more at peace with my life now than ever. I can watch it as entertainment, can feel the anticipation of a situation without the risk. I am mindful of the emotional/hormonal effects it has on me and would be lying if i was to say i didn't miss it sometimes, but that is very different to me to saying that i want to actually partake in it. I can look at it as an event in my life that i came through and am able to continue living.

Who knows what the future may bring but I am more than ever at peace that it won't be gambling for me. For those that can enjoy the odd flutter without risk, i am both envious and at peace with, but that is not me. That is not how my brain is wired.

It may not seem like much but the ability to write on here before and express myself was part of the journey i took and i am greatful to everyone that contributed, with whatever attitude, but those who did have faith, thank you as your energy was a part of me getting to where i am now

TwoUpTwoDown