Living with the monster
TwoUpTwoDown
Forumite 64 Posts
I wasn't really sure where to put this so please suggests a better place if required.
I've been a largely secret gambler for nearly 15 years now. It coincides with the time that gambling became deregualted in the UK, and conveniently enough around the same time that i had a smart phone capable of loading online casinos. I'd always had a little go on the fruit machines in pubs but nothing more than ten pounds every now and then - perhaps 30 or 40 pounds a year after a few drinks with friends.
I estimate that over the past 15 years i must have lost in excess of £60,000 to gambling or should i say lost to the hope of landing the big one. You see, i think even if had won £60,000 back, I wouldnt have stopped in the belief that once i had won it once, i could win it again and again.
Flash forwards to 15 years and I've been without gambling for 3 months - the longest time in the past 15 years. I have a good job, an amazing partner and 2 wonderful children. Non-one knows my secret and i dont think anyone ever will because 15 years is a long time to rack up shame and guilt and it's firmly rooted deep inside where no-one can ever find it.
I look at myself in the mirror most days at the moment and see someone who works hard, likes to have fun and loves his family but only i can see the monster hidden inside that has this time, hopefully, once and for all, been put to sleep. Every pound gambled is a pound taken away from my family, an extra few minutes required to work rather than spend time with them and an extra drop of shame that drips in the hungry, bottomless pit of addiction.
I honestly think that deregulation of the gambling industry has been one of the worst political decisions that has directly affected my life. The old saying goes, only gamble what you can afford to lose which is of course very true, but then why allow people to gamble what they don't have? Credit cards (thankfully now banned) but Paypal still remains a place where you can deposit £1000 to a site without it being taken for 3 days. 3 months ago i deposited 20 £1000's via paypal when i only had £50 pounds in my bank. I luckily won back £15,000 of it but still a massive loss of £5,000 which i can never get back.
I'm writing this down really as an admission to myself and to my family and to you readers that I am an addict and have been for a long time but I'm tired of it now. It's gone on for too long and it has to stop. Instead of staying up late and being tired, I'm going to bed early so that i can enjoy saturday morning's with my kids.
This is my diary of recovery and hope for the days and years to come.
I've followed many of your stories over the years which has given me great comfort. I hope i can offer that too in a positive, forward looking return to a life without addiction.
I've been a largely secret gambler for nearly 15 years now. It coincides with the time that gambling became deregualted in the UK, and conveniently enough around the same time that i had a smart phone capable of loading online casinos. I'd always had a little go on the fruit machines in pubs but nothing more than ten pounds every now and then - perhaps 30 or 40 pounds a year after a few drinks with friends.
I estimate that over the past 15 years i must have lost in excess of £60,000 to gambling or should i say lost to the hope of landing the big one. You see, i think even if had won £60,000 back, I wouldnt have stopped in the belief that once i had won it once, i could win it again and again.
Flash forwards to 15 years and I've been without gambling for 3 months - the longest time in the past 15 years. I have a good job, an amazing partner and 2 wonderful children. Non-one knows my secret and i dont think anyone ever will because 15 years is a long time to rack up shame and guilt and it's firmly rooted deep inside where no-one can ever find it.
I look at myself in the mirror most days at the moment and see someone who works hard, likes to have fun and loves his family but only i can see the monster hidden inside that has this time, hopefully, once and for all, been put to sleep. Every pound gambled is a pound taken away from my family, an extra few minutes required to work rather than spend time with them and an extra drop of shame that drips in the hungry, bottomless pit of addiction.
I honestly think that deregulation of the gambling industry has been one of the worst political decisions that has directly affected my life. The old saying goes, only gamble what you can afford to lose which is of course very true, but then why allow people to gamble what they don't have? Credit cards (thankfully now banned) but Paypal still remains a place where you can deposit £1000 to a site without it being taken for 3 days. 3 months ago i deposited 20 £1000's via paypal when i only had £50 pounds in my bank. I luckily won back £15,000 of it but still a massive loss of £5,000 which i can never get back.
I'm writing this down really as an admission to myself and to my family and to you readers that I am an addict and have been for a long time but I'm tired of it now. It's gone on for too long and it has to stop. Instead of staying up late and being tired, I'm going to bed early so that i can enjoy saturday morning's with my kids.
This is my diary of recovery and hope for the days and years to come.
I've followed many of your stories over the years which has given me great comfort. I hope i can offer that too in a positive, forward looking return to a life without addiction.
22
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If you weren’t aware, there's the 'debt free wannabe' board which may help spur you on to repay what you owe and and 'old style money saving' for great tips on saving money along the way.
I hope your thread helps in your recovery and good luck 🤞🏽
Happy moneysaving all.
Basically you are cheating them out of a better life and lying to them by not telling them. Your also robbing your kids as you said of opportunities.
Come clean, tell your partner and hand over debit cards and forms of money. Take whatever you need to work. Be it a tenner for lunch or a packet of faigs.
Self exclude yourself from all betting apps and websites.
3 months is a good start but you can quickly get back into it and as you know it only takes one day gambling to do 1 years worth of damage.
Come clean, fess up and work with your partner going forward. Otherwise you will get found on and they will leave you if they find out you've been lying to them for so long. Your gambling will start back again if you've been at it 15 years and it will get worse without open dialogue and help.
I'm not in debt thankfully as although i didnt have money in the account at the time, i had transferred savings over to cover it. These were savings i have managed to build up out of my own monthly 'pocket money'. I've only been with my partner for 4 years and a lot of my losses happened before we met and had children. That's not to cheapen the behaviour that has happened in any way. My income more than supports my family and I've never missed a bill payment in my life so I'm thankful that i've managed to keep my gambling within boundaries that has avoided high levels of debt or bankruptcy etc...
I hope to continue to update this diary as a reminder of the things i am doing everyday in place of gambling that add value to my life rather than detract from it.
I know this is not a likebale answer and i expect to get negative reactions but that is where things stand.
I work hard, show my family love and don't drink, smoke etc... I know this doesnt outweigh a lie but if i can manage to stay on the clear and narrow then apart from money that has been lost, there are no other issues.
What i will say is that if i do gamble again then i will come clean to my partner. I just need to do this for myself for a while as i dont think that the disruption in telling her will help my recovery emotionally at the moment.
I hope to never gamble again and this diary is for me to focus on the good points in life and share stories of my family and our future ups and downs.
You talk about shame, and guilt, and fear. Get help with them, even if you have managed not to gamble for a while.
My husband gambled with fruit machines when we first met. It nearly destroyed our wee family. But he did stop and has never gone back to it. We have been together for 18 years now.
He got help from gam aware. He found it really helpful to talk through why he had gambled and how he was feeling. It was 1 to 1 appointments he had. They probably do web chat and phone support now. Might be good to talk about it if you are not keen on I colcinf your family.
Good luck. You can do this x
You have been blowing 15-20k as you said so yourself. Your gambling is out of control. And rather than be honest and face the music your doing the cowardly thing.
Probably deep down inside you dont want to give up gambling and be accountable to your partner.
Have you deleted all your betting apps and self excluded?
Before anyone says I'm being harsh I'm not. Gambling addicts are liars and wont stop without proper help. I've seen families homes taken away from them and families completely destroyed because some pig headed gambler thought he could be the 1/1,000,000 who could beat it alone.
Do the right thing. If it changes your relationship so be it. They have a right to know. Much better than in 10 years your gambling has become so out of control that its blatantly obvious (mood swings) and theres red letters coming asking why Bill's havent been paid. Wealthy people than you have got to this stage. Your no different.
As the OP obviously realises, discussing it at the start of this relationship might have meant the end of the relationship. Bringing it up now has the same risk. Being more positive, it might give the OP some extra support in keeping the control they have now got back.
You've (Retireby40) apparently decided TwoUpTwoDown is going to relapse; I wish them all the best in not doing so.
Gambling addiction only goes one way without help and support.
It also has a huge impact on the relationship dynamic and the personality of the gambler. You cannot tell me that if the OP blows 3k of his own savings that he wont experience some form of anxiety or mood swings. This will undoubtedly be taken out on the partner and she will wonder why? So the OP basically doesnt want to risk his relationship because he doesnt want to come clean. That's the selfishness of a gambler. Putting what he can lose above and beyond anything.
Unfortunately for me I have experienced a family member and gambling. Gambling heavy for 15 years doesnt go away in 3 months.
You appear to have decided on the basis of your family experience that the OP will inevitably follow the same pattern. That's a negative approach. Remind them where to get that extra help. The partner may be able to help and support - that's a positive reason to tell them what's happening.