Living with the monster

Aranyani

Sorry, did you just compare giving up weetabix to tackling a gambling addiction?  Or was that a joke I didn't get?

TwoUpTwoDown

Aranyani said:

Sorry, did you just compare giving up weetabix to tackling a gambling addiction?  Or was that a joke I didn't get?

It was a joke - obviously not told very well!

Retireby40

TwoUpTwoDown said:

Retireby40 said:

TwoUpTwoDown said:

Mojisola said:

But it's not a secret obsession because you know about it.

You won't see it this way but you're looking through an addict's eyes when you keep saying that she doesn't need to know.

You're lying by omission, keeping this secret, and risking her financial status as well as your own because you have a joint account.

If things spiral out of control (and there are very, very few addicts who don't relapse several times before stopping completely) and she does learn about your addiction, she will feel betrayed that you couldn't share the truth with her much earlier and you will seriously damage her trust in you. 

'But it's not a secret obsession because you know about it.'
Thanks for responding and good point. I need to remind myself to check my grammar!  
How do you think i am risking our financial status if I'm playing with money that i have and not incurring any debt? I get where you're coming from but having gambled for so long, i have never borrowed or got in to debt because of it so i would say if i was going to have done that i would have done so by now. I've just never liked being in debt generally and gambling falls within that dislike. 

You say you deposited 20 x £1000 amounts via paypal when you had £50 in your account. If that is not desperation and playing with money you dont have and taking advantage of the delay then I dont know what is.

Sorry to break it to you. But gamblers believe their own lies and stories. And your displaying every single one of the common features a gambler has.

Everything you focus on is about you. You spend YOUR savings. It's a journal for YOUR life. You build up savings with YOUR investments. It isnt impacting YOUR PARTNER etc etc. You said you have gambled some 60k. Some of that will have been in the last 4 years (god knows your level of gambling you bet 20k and won 15 a few months ago). To go from that level to 0 cold turkey is impossible. I'm not saying that because I want you to fail. I'm saying it because the evidence and statistics would indicate that.

Could your kids not benefit from the time you weren't gambling? Does your partner not deserve a random weekend away with the money you blew on online roulette?

Every night you go to bed thinking it's only affecting you is a night you are lying to yourself. Its selfish. And il ask you one question and if you can answer me this honestly it will tell me all I need to know.

If your daughter (maybe you have one maybe you dont, hopefully you do for context) was with a man working hard to bring up a family and her partner was spending hours a week gambling, was lying to her when discussing finances (if your not being honest your lying), was gambling 1,2, 15k in splurges and was so worried about their gambling that came to a public forum and they describe it as "living with a monster" would you want that person to be honest with your daughter. Or would you be happy they continued with that behaviour?

My point about gambling with only £50 pounds in my account was that there is a loophole that allows people to play on 'credit' as it takes 3 days to hit your account. It was an illustration of the way that you can work the system and i don't approve of it being a payment method. I subsequently transferred money from my savings to my current account to cover my spending so no issue there really. I've repeatedly said that i had the money and have never got in to debt through gambling.
Why shouldnt this diary be about me? People keep diaries about themselves all the time! All of your responses have been incredibly presumptive and prescriptive, assuming you know me better than myself. It kinda feels like this is actually about you and your disapproval against me so i'd throw that one straight back at you and ask if this diary has become about you?

'To go from that level to 0 cold turkey is impossible... I'm saying it because the evidence and statistics would indicate that.' 

Which evidence please? I'd be keen for references. I'm a reasearcher for a living so more than happy to read any peer reviewed articles or journals that give evidence that my efforts are an impossibility. I already said i went from 12 weetabix a day to none overnight and they were laced with sugar which is also incredibly addictive. Perhaps not quite as strong a dopamine response, but i have demonstrated will power in the past. Of course, I'm being a but flippant here but you see my point that you are throwing prescriptive assumptions on knowledge in with no support.

'Every night you go to bed thinking it's only affecting you is a night you are lying to yourself.'

Some nights i go to bed thinking about who came up with the tog rating system for duvets. What's your point? It does only affect me because it's MY savings and i am free to do with them as i wish.

I have both a daughter and a son so we could choose either. I presume you chose daughter as it's somehow more emotive? In all honesty, yes of course i'd prefer it if he were open about it but you presume he was lying when discussing finances. I don't lie because we don't ever discuss each others savings unless we want to. In every other aspect there is total transparency. 
I presume you would want this to apply to thoughts to then? Should all thoughts be shared? Do you share your thoughts with your partner when you are both walking down the street and you pass an attractive member of the public that catches your eye? I hope you do because otherwise you're lying to them irrespective of the fact that they may disapprove or it's nothing to do with them. How do i know you can stop this terrible behaviour and that one day you won't just up and leave and have an affair? 
If that man was kind and good and kept his family safe then although being open is of course best, he is free to do whatever he wants with his own money and that's between them. People can still remain kind and responsible when tacking a problem and we all have to work through things in our own way.

'Could your kids not benefit from the time you weren't gambling? Does your partner not deserve a random weekend away with the money you blew on online roulette?'

I hate roulette. I've already stated that i feel bad for time lost. My partner gets lots of treats from me including random weekends away already so not clear on your point here?  She'd probably benefit more if i stopped eating so many sausage rollls (paid for from my spending money) but they are so nice. If only i could stop, she'd probably be driving around in a ferrari by now..

All I will say is good luck. You will need it. My advice and help is lost on you and I know why. Your an addict who's is in denial who thinks that it's all about them and your in control. Your whole attitude to your problem of 15 years is immature.

Comparing eating a dozen weetabix when you were a kid to gambling your life savings shows exactly where you are at.

TwoUpTwoDown

"All I will say is good luck. You will need it. My advice and help is lost on you and I know why. Your an addict who's is in denial who thinks that it's all about them and your in control. Your whole attitude to your problem of 15 years is immature.
Comparing eating a dozen weetabix when you were a kid to gambling your life savings shows exactly where you are at."

Thank you. I genuinely do appreciate your input to the thread even if i largely disagree with your appraoch.
Your 'advice' though has been to point out my inability and impossibility to make a recovery without knowing anything about me. If i'm in denial, then why am i here discussing it? My comparison to weetabix was an attempt to show you that you can not prescribe a blanket black and white attitude to people that you do not know and condemn them to failure. If i want to inject humour in to my thoughts then why not? Should i be sat here feeling defeated and crumbled in the corner or should i be happy and feel confident in my new-found attitude to past negative behaviours? My opening post was a way to expel those demons and has helped me to feel confident and believe that i can overcome this problem. 
I think it was Han-Solo who said 'never tell me the odds kid' and he went on to help save the galaxy. My only hope is that i can do the same with my battle and become a better person for it. 

Retireby40

TwoUpTwoDown said:

"All I will say is good luck. You will need it. My advice and help is lost on you and I know why. Your an addict who's is in denial who thinks that it's all about them and your in control. Your whole attitude to your problem of 15 years is immature.
Comparing eating a dozen weetabix when you were a kid to gambling your life savings shows exactly where you are at."

Thank you. I genuinely do appreciate your input to the thread even if i largely disagree with your appraoch.
Your 'advice' though has been to point out my inability and impossibility to make a recovery without knowing anything about me. If i'm in denial, then why am i here discussing it? My comparison to weetabix was an attempt to show you that you can not prescribe a blanket black and white attitude to people that you do not know and condemn them to failure. If i want to inject humour in to my thoughts then why not? Should i be sat here feeling defeated and crumbled in the corner or should i be happy and feel confident in my new-found attitude to past negative behaviours? My opening post was a way to expel those demons and has helped me to feel confident and believe that i can overcome this problem. 
I think it was Han-Solo who said 'never tell me the odds kid' and he went on to help save the galaxy. My only hope is that i can do the same with my battle and become a better person for it. 

While keeping your "huge problem" a secret from your partner and kids. Dont forget that part. 

TwoUpTwoDown

Retireby40 said:

TwoUpTwoDown said:

"All I will say is good luck. You will need it. My advice and help is lost on you and I know why. Your an addict who's is in denial who thinks that it's all about them and your in control. Your whole attitude to your problem of 15 years is immature.
Comparing eating a dozen weetabix when you were a kid to gambling your life savings shows exactly where you are at."

Thank you. I genuinely do appreciate your input to the thread even if i largely disagree with your appraoch.
Your 'advice' though has been to point out my inability and impossibility to make a recovery without knowing anything about me. If i'm in denial, then why am i here discussing it? My comparison to weetabix was an attempt to show you that you can not prescribe a blanket black and white attitude to people that you do not know and condemn them to failure. If i want to inject humour in to my thoughts then why not? Should i be sat here feeling defeated and crumbled in the corner or should i be happy and feel confident in my new-found attitude to past negative behaviours? My opening post was a way to expel those demons and has helped me to feel confident and believe that i can overcome this problem. 
I think it was Han-Solo who said 'never tell me the odds kid' and he went on to help save the galaxy. My only hope is that i can do the same with my battle and become a better person for it. 

While keeping your "huge problem" a secret from your partner and kids. Dont forget that part. 

I do get that thanks and i think that has been covered and raised a few times by you and i feel i have answered so i get your point. It's my choice ultimately and my fate goes with that choice. I'm not proud of the decision to not talk to her but at the same time it's my money to do what i want with as agreed with my partner as hers is hers to do what she wants with. This thread was about me overcoming my addiction and having a safe space to put my thoughts and reflections down but as a progressive piece.   
You haven't actually answered any questions I've put forward to you about your assumptions about me, which were quite personal really, so I'm now just reading this as someone who has there own agenda to push rather than take the conversation forwards constructively.  

Aranyani

TwoUpTwoDown said:

Aranyani said:

Sorry, did you just compare giving up weetabix to tackling a gambling addiction?  Or was that a joke I didn't get?

It was a joke - obviously not told very well!

Phew!  Don't worry it could have been me, I had a rough day yesterday brain not in gear! 

I fully understand that the thought of telling your wife must be terrifying, you have so much to lose.  But do you think you might be denying both of you something important?  Of course you are denying her the full truth about her husband, but you are also denying yourself her love and support on something that is incredibly difficult for you that you've been dealing with alone for years.  Do you think you might not feel some relief if you opened up to her fully and asked (pleaded) for her help?

HampshireH

"I have both a daughter and a son so we could choose either. I presume you chose daughter as it's somehow more emotive?"

I read it as if the poster was suggesting you look at it from a different view point i.e. a dad of a daughter..... Aka your wife's position viewed by perhaps her father.

Then applying it to seeing your daughter have such financial decisions kept from the man she choose to commit to a build a life/ have children with. A woman who has commited to someone to get less commitment back in the form of honesty.

Most dad's would be horrified to find their daughter in this situation.

Good luck in your battle. As a complete outsider it really does sound like you aren't fully committed to change. An online, anonymous log is one thing, a step, as there is nobody who is impacted holding you accountable.

You have already said that your relationship would change if you told her so you know she would be devestated at having been lied to.

Telling her needs to be part of the bigger picture or your relationship is built on a foundation of dishonesty and when she does find out she will feel humiliated and like you couldn't trust her - that's the worst thing.

Retireby40

HampshireH said:

"I have both a daughter and a son so we could choose either. I presume you chose daughter as it's somehow more emotive?"

I read it as if the poster was suggesting you look at it from a different view point i.e. a dad of a daughter..... Aka your wife's position viewed by perhaps her father.

Then applying it to seeing your daughter have such financial decisions kept from the man she choose to commit to a build a life/ have children with. A woman who has commited to someone to get less commitment back in the form of honesty.

Most dad's would be horrified to find their daughter in this situation.

Good luck in your battle. As a complete outsider it really does sound like you aren't fully committed to change. An online, anonymous log is one thing, a step, as there is nobody who is impacted holding you accountable.

You have already said that your relationship would change if you told her so you know she would be devestated at having been lied to.

Telling her needs to be part of the bigger picture or your relationship is built on a foundation of dishonesty and when she does find out she will feel humiliated and like you couldn't trust her - that's the worst thing.

That was exactly my thinking. And any logical person would have understood why I used the daughter and not the son. The OP cant seem to see things from another viewpoint. It's part of the addiction though.

TwoUpTwoDown

Retireby40 said:

HampshireH said:

"I have both a daughter and a son so we could choose either. I presume you chose daughter as it's somehow more emotive?"

I read it as if the poster was suggesting you look at it from a different view point i.e. a dad of a daughter..... Aka your wife's position viewed by perhaps her father.

Then applying it to seeing your daughter have such financial decisions kept from the man she choose to commit to a build a life/ have children with. A woman who has commited to someone to get less commitment back in the form of honesty.

Most dad's would be horrified to find their daughter in this situation.

Good luck in your battle. As a complete outsider it really does sound like you aren't fully committed to change. An online, anonymous log is one thing, a step, as there is nobody who is impacted holding you accountable.

You have already said that your relationship would change if you told her so you know she would be devestated at having been lied to.

Telling her needs to be part of the bigger picture or your relationship is built on a foundation of dishonesty and when she does find out she will feel humiliated and like you couldn't trust her - that's the worst thing.

That was exactly my thinking. And any logical person would have understood why I used the daughter and not the son. The OP cant seem to see things from another viewpoint. It's part of the addiction though.

You must be a troll. Again with the prescriptive assumptions about me. Prsume you're part of UKIP or similar yes given you attitude? Your responses must be part of your political persuasion which is why you can't see things any other way. That's me making a prescriptive assumption about you by the way with no founding just so you know what it feels like. 

 "any logical person"???? ANY????? Sorry i didnt see your logic - that doesn't make me illogical though.
You're right. I can't see straight for the addiction. 

You know, i came on here and opened up as the first step for me in coming to terms with my addiction as something positive. I opened up and all you have tried to do is de-rail me and this conversation. You're not a very nice person. You don't respond back to my questions but just continue with your own agenda.
 I won't let your comments take over though. This thread is supposed to be about recovery and building myself back up. You never know, in time i may feel comfortable in talking to my partner about this but not right now. So, you know, perhaps you could give me a chance before writing me off. 
I really really, really, really, really, really hope you don't work anywhere near any form of care for anyone else if this is your real life day to day attitude towards people.