Hints and tips welcome to discourage someone from drinking too much

cymruchris

elsien said:

Without wanting to worry you any more than you already are, be aware of the possibility of alcohol related brain injury.
 https://alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/alcohol-related-brain-damage-arbd-signs-and-symptoms 
Again, there’s nothing you can do if the person won’t stop drinking but it can also impact on them stopping as they just don’t remember sometimes why they need to or the impact alcohol has on them. 

He’s still very much aware of the impact - but it’s certainly something to be aware of - thanks. 

TripleH

Do they drink beer? I ask because there are a number of alcohol free beers on the market that are hard (for me) to distinguish between their alcoholic doppelganger.
It may help them cut down a little further on their intake but I'm not optomistic. 
Is there a particular reason for their drinking that needs addressing?

Apintplease

You cant stop him, hes alcohol dependent , he cant stop without specialist help, and that help is not there unless he seeks it himself and makes a commitment to it

It sounds like you are his carer or closest relative and its you dealing with the fall out,  I suggest that you get yourself along to Al - Anon for yourself

mason's_mum

I dealt with this with my father. It was his way (however inappropriate) of dealing with stress and depression.
My mother tried everything to get him to stop, she went with him to the GP and to counselling sessions but to no avail. He got to the point where he was hiding the whisky in beer. My sister used to find the bottles of whisky hidden around the house and pour them down the sink. Nothing made any difference. The final straw came when he was drunk one evening and tried to attack my sister.
At that point my mum left (my sister and I were away at university most of the time at this point).
My Dad moved in with his mother (who didn't believe anything my mother had said for the past 15 years) and continued to work and drink, hiding the issues from everyone, with seemingly no ill effects... Eventually it led to complete organ failure and spending a month in intensive care. We all begged him to stop, however, even this wasn't a wake up call, and the drinking continued, numerous strokes, kidney failure (several years of both haemo then peritoneal dialysis) and ultimately a perforated duodenal ulcer, resulting in surgery and another stay in hospital. It was there that despite the best efforts of the nurses, due to the confusion caused by withdrawal he fell out of bed and hit his head resulting in a severe bleed on the brain - the doctors decided that due to all his other comorbidities that neurosurgery wasn't in his best interests, and I spent several hours waiting by his bedside for him to pass away. When he went, it was terribly sad but also a relief. It felt like all the demons were gone and he was finally at peace, unlike at ANY other time of his life.
Apologies for the essay - I guess my takeaway was like others, that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. with my dad there was obviously underlying issues that he wasn't able to work through after years of therapists, family support, begging, threats and eventually action. None of us could solve the problem, and he didn't want to. The important thing is not to get too emotionally involved - it's not your fault, nor your responsibility. You can only be there to support and advise as best you can.
Good luck - it's completely horrible and I really do sympathise!

calleyw

You can't and to even begin to think you can shows how naive you are. They are addicted to alcohol and they can't just stop.  He has to want to stop and if he does not want to there is nothing you can do.  Its his life and choices and you will just have to learn to accept it or maybe you wont be able.  I know you are frustrated and feel powerless and no matter how much you want to help him but at the end of the day its really none of your business. 

Maybe being in his 80's he sees no point to anything so drinks to blot it out or give him comfort through the day.  Its like the old saying you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.  Same thing here.  You are dealing with a human being who is making their own choices.

I know its horrible to watch someone you care about do this to themselves BUT remember its not your fault and nothing to do with you.  If you don't buy the alcohol then they will find another way.  If you don't feel comfortable buying it for them,  then tell that they you are not happy to do it and let someone else do it. 

I wish you all the best

Yours

Calley x

gwynlas

The end is inevitable for us all but sometimes we have some control over how this happens, You could suggest that it is time for him to get his plans in order, will funeral arrangements etc as he seems to want this to be sooner rather than later. It might just cause him to reflect on his behaviour if not at least you will now what to do when the time comes,
You cannot choose how he manages his life just try and protect yourself from any fall out.

cymruchris

TripleH said:

Do they drink beer? I ask because there are a number of alcohol free beers on the market that are hard (for me) to distinguish between their alcoholic doppelganger.
It may help them cut down a little further on their intake but I'm not optomistic. 
Is there a particular reason for their drinking that needs addressing?

Mostly Jack Daniels/Southern Comfort type things in the morning, and then mostly white wine through the day into the evening. We've tried all the low alcohol/no alcohol wines - and they get a firm NO. 

The main reason is a combination of age and fragility. They've fallen over ten times in 2020 - and don't have the strength to get back up again, and so would prefer they didn't fall in the first place. (All the falls are a combination of age and alcohol).

cymruchris

gwynlas said:

The end is inevitable for us all but sometimes we have some control over how this happens, You could suggest that it is time for him to get his plans in order, will funeral arrangements etc as he seems to want this to be sooner rather than later. It might just cause him to reflect on his behaviour if not at least you will now what to do when the time comes,
You cannot choose how he manages his life just try and protect yourself from any fall out.

I pushed (hard) for this recently - and he's got his will in order, and everything that needs to be in place in terms of his wishes are now recorded. There's a also now a POA in place for health and finance - so most bases are covered for when the time comes.

kayleighali

mason's_mum said:

I dealt with this with my father. It was his way (however inappropriate) of dealing with stress and depression.
My mother tried everything to get him to stop, she went with him to the GP and to counselling sessions but to no avail. He got to the point where he was hiding the whisky in beer. My sister used to find the bottles of whisky hidden around the house and pour them down the sink. Nothing made any difference. The final straw came when he was drunk one evening and tried to attack my sister.
At that point my mum left (my sister and I were away at university most of the time at this point).
My Dad moved in with his mother (who didn't believe anything my mother had said for the past 15 years) and continued to work and drink, hiding the issues from everyone, with seemingly no ill effects...

I could have written this myself about my mother, she was still working and everything we tried fell on deaf ears.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, whatever way you look at it) she did not get the continued ill health warnings, she passed away suddenly at the start of the year from a cardiac enlargement. In a way, i wish she had more warning to change things, however, nothing worked before so I suppose it's just wishful thinking that she might still be here.

I hope it works out better for you OP

cymruchris

calleyw said:

You can't and to even begin to think you can shows how naive you are. They are addicted to alcohol and they can't just stop.  

I'm totally aware that I'll never stop him drinking - and know how addicted he is - my thread isn't about stopping him - it was more to see if there were suggestions from others that had experienced a similar challenge in at least reducing the intake a little, and through the powers of the internet I'm able to read some real-life experiences.  I have managed to get him to reduce quite significantly - but it's still too much that he falls over too regularly - and I know he won't be lucky every time he falls - one day something is going to break (or worse).  I know I can only encourage - and I won't stop trying - but can also see how day by day, week by week, rather than getting stronger (following a collapse last year) he's getting weaker. It comes to us all eventually I know that - and we all go in different ways, so although I can't do much, I can keep on encouraging.