Why even bother

Iamdebtfree

Thank you Mrsn..

I'm not a huge fan of talking about myself. But reading all of your responses most definitely helps..

Again, grateful to everyone of you who responded to me..❣

Alter_ego

Looking at your username, that must be a fabulous position to be in. Count your blessings

kimwp

Alter_ego said:

Looking at your username, that must be a fabulous position to be in. Count your blessings

Not or no longer being in debt doesn't mean that someone is ok. It's not good to dwell on negative things, but it is vital to acknowledge if we are not ok and this can be despite everything in our lives apparently being "sorted".
I used to tell myself " I am safe, I have a roof over my head, a job, my health etc and plenty of people are worse off". Acknowledging and being grateful for those things didn't stop me from feeling like I was breaking into a thousand pieces.

Aranyani

Iamdebtfree said:

I want to go back to when life was fun.. and everything was still ahead and death was this weird concept which didn't apply to me.

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend, I hope she stays comfortable and pain free. 

It always hits you hard when the first person you are close to your own age or younger dies, for me it was in my twenties, for a relative of mine it was in primary school, for another relative it hasn't happened yet and he is nearing 70.  

The reality is that there was never a time when our loved ones were safe, when death was only in the distant future, but until harsh reality confronts us we can happily imagine and pretend that is the case. 

There are some really good books out there on processing grief and loss, and Cruse and the Samaritans are both good resources to call on for support and an empathetic ear, as well as your GP which I agree is a very important call to make. 

harrys_nan

I didn't want to read and run, sending you  ((((hugs)))).
Please get yourself back to the doctors asap, you need to speak to someone about how bad your thoughts are getting and remember that a lot of people are having feelings like albeit for a different reason. Have you spoken to your husband?
Whenever you feel the need to come on here and just put down how you feel, there will always be someone on here to listen. 
Your friend is only part of the reason you feel like this and I'm sure if she knew she would give you a talking to telling you she loves you and doesn't want you to be sad.
Please look after yourself and be kind to your self  xx

Savvy_Sue

One thing that was suggested to me was to start a notebook and write three things each day I was glad about / grateful for. That might sound impossible at the moment, and they tended to be very basic things over and over again: sunshine, a pretty flower I'd seen, my family (although sometimes they were NOT among my blessings!) however, I do recommend it if you're feeling very bleak, even if you can only find one thing. (And you can also use it to vent about all the things which you are NOT glad about, in fact which you are spitting mad about. I'd do that on a separate page and see if you can increase the list of 'glad' things over time.)

Iamdebtfree

Thank you everyone, so much. I'm reading all of your posts, just don't feel like talking about myself. My husband is my love and my heart, adores me and I him,  and we are going through this together. He's incredibly supportive but has his own dark demons to deal with (mental health).

'I used to tell myself " I am safe, I have a roof over my head, a job, my health etc and plenty of people are worse off". Acknowledging and being grateful for those things didn't stop me from feeling like I was breaking into a thousand pieces.'

Kimwp, thank you so much for saying this. 💞

Retireby40

This resonates with me in regards to my late mother. The minute I grew up 22/23 and moved out of home she basically gave up on life. Which was sad. And I really should have done more but when your 22/23 your out in the wide world and you have other things to think about. She was a single parent and I have no siblings. It was me and her. I was her purpose.

She retired early mid 40s with some minor health problems and she had recieved a decent sized redundancy. She therefore had no reason to get up in the morning nor reason to go to bed. She spent mornings in bed waking up at lunch time and then watching tv until 3am often falling asleep on the sofa.

During this time she became very depressed and I had a few hiccups myself where I was making a few bad choices in regards to going out drinking to much and often spending money in the bookies wasting it. Basically being immature and stupid. This effected her a lot and we had huge arguments about it. I was young and naive. She was depressed and frustrated and couldnt help me because she became so frustrated and angry and disappointed with me she couldnt help me in a way that I needed.

What she found helped her was helping out at womans aid and a few other things like food banks and charities. She did love her holidays to Spain too. So getting away once a year often made a difference. I think if you maybe found something like that where you seen your input was valuable and needed it would make you feel you had a purpose because you really do have a purpose outside of work and home life. She died at 52. Very young. Had heart problems but never tried to take care of herself. Smoked 20 a day. Didnt do exercise. Ate poorly. Just didnt take care of herself.

Someone told me the more you give in life to others the more you get back. Maybe not in the form of gifts or praise but a feeling of self purpose and belonging and doing something good. People need people. And if you can be that person to lend a hand here and there even when you dont feel like it yourself you may see your self esteem rocket and you may form new bonds. This creates a social scene where you are firmly a member and part of something. And that matters. 

One thing I am a big advocate of is exercise. 30 minutes walk before work or after work outside in the fresh air (even in the rain or snow or whatever) can help. More than you would believe. Good luck and always remember that maybe while you feel you are not needed, you are probably only tapping into 20-30% of your potential. Get out there and get living. You've more to achieve, more to offer and more to experience. 

kimwp

Retireby40 said:

....helping out at womans aid and a few other things like food banks and charities. She did love her holidays to Spain too. So getting away once a year often made a difference. 

.....a social scene where you are firmly a member and part of something. And that matters. 

30 minutes walk before work or after work outside in the fresh air (even in the rain or snow or whatever) can help.

I appreciate that you are trying to help, but I think there are quite a few assumptions you've made about the op so I have taken those out and left (what I believe to be) the helpful bits. Having said that;
I've always done lots of volunteering alongside a full time job, with kids once a week and an annual residential week where I could with people dependent on wheelchairs and other assistance. Socialised with a fantastic solid group of friends and family that loves me. No alcohol issues or debt problems. Not always great at exercise, but I have a friend that does an impressive amount of outdoor swimming, running and cycling alongside her volunteering and busy social life (in non-covid times) - neither could shift the sadness by ourselves. Sometimes it is there while you do those things, sometimes there is a temporary reprieve. Having strong connections, exercising, helping others, being grateful, talking to friends etc are all great things to help and how we should live (if desired and possible), but sometimes they are not enough.
(I am not the OP, but I am trying to explain what it can be like where I think that might be helpful to improve understanding)
Having said the above... I (now) firmly believe that there is a route through, however difficult it is to find, and it IS worth it  xx

[Deleted User]

@Iamdebtfree go outside, either in your garden, or go out for a walk - do you have a park, woods, or beach that's easy to get to ?

I say this because it will lift your mood, and the act of walking will also get the hormones, responsible for creating 'high's, kicking in.
.