Why even bother

Iamdebtfree

I can't be the only person on the planet who at age 50 feels that real life's as good as over. At least everything that was worth living for is over. From now on it's all about careful penny pinching and terrified sobbing fits when faced with yet another death at 50.

If I knew how long I have left. If I only knew how long I've got left.

A very good friend of my age is dying. Riddled with cancer. Paralyzed, on morphine, barely coherent. Husband and I, her and her bloke.. We partied like crazy together ten years ago.Young fit and happy. Penniless and in debt. We didn't give a toss.

 She's as good as gone. I don't know how to cope.

Am already on anti deps. Gp can only help to an extent. 

I don't want to be this old. 

I want to go back to when life was fun.. and everything was still ahead and death was this weird concept which didn't apply to me.

Savvy_Sue

I am so sorry to hear this. I know your GP can only help to an extent, but please make sure they know how bad you are at the moment: you're not wasting their time, and they may - I only say may, because I know you'll feel nothing will help - be able to suggest other strategies. 

And I honestly don't know if this will help: https://wellbeingandcoping.net/ but maybe take a look, if only to rant at me and the site for not 'getting it'. 

Iamdebtfree

Thank you..

RobM99

I'm now 64 and play bass in a punk band! There's life out there if you look; it won't knock on your door.

AskAsk

i don't think your age has anything to do with it.  sure, when you get older, you are more prone to ill health and you do change in behaviour and perception, but it is more about where you have got to in life that has troubled you.

what you are feeling could occur at any age.  you have just focussed on your age as the cause of your depression.

you sound in a bad way, and i doubt anyone saying anything on this forum is going to help you or change your way of thinking.  i hope medicine can help you, but try, if you can, to look at the bright side of things when there is so much negativity going on in your life.

Iamdebtfree

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond..

gettingtheresometime

Iamdebtfree said:

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond..

Just a thought - would it be an idea for you to use this post as a soundboard/release valve?

no body can identify you so it would be totally anonymous so you can be totally honest as to how you're feeling. Yes we can't make the pain you're feeling go away but we could help you get through it? 

Be kind to yourself x

Iamdebtfree

I'm just a sad loser, and deserve all the pain.

Thank you everyone

Savvy_Sue

Please don't listen to such thoughts.

No-one deserves the pain of losing a loved friend, too young. 

You're not a loser. You've known fun and friendship.

 Can you share these dark thoughts with anyone IRL?

If your friend said things like this to you, what would you say to her?

Cry, scream, pummel a pillow - "Rage, rage against the dying of the light." https://poets.org/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night

Iamdebtfree

Thank you for your kind words Savvy_ Sue..

Pollycat

Are these feelings covid driven?
Or as a result of a good friend being close to death?
Or a variety of things?
Lots of people are feeling depressed after the last 9 months.
Some have had worse things to deal with, some have had less.
Nobody can turn the clock back.

Does your husband know how bad you are feeling?
I too think you should talk to your GP again.
They may be able to prescribe stronger or alternative medication.