He’s got low self esteem

ontheroad1970

-taff said:

bebex said:

He does have low esteem, he constantly doubts himself and says he doesn’t feel he can be himself around our friends as he’s scared they won’t like him and he won’t act like himself. He’s told me multiple he doesn’t feel good enough and he worries that I won’t like him for various reasons 

He 'chased' you for three months until you felt brow beaten enough to say yes? This is not the action of someone who has low self esteem. This is the action, along with the constant 'I'm not good enough' chats that are bascially manipulating you itno seeing him.

Just tell him you don't think a relationship with you is good for his mental health, because it'll turn into a self fulfilling prophecy if you do leave him and then stop seeing him ina romantic way otherwise you're setting yourself for potentially years of  hand holding.

He's an adult, it's not your job to fix him.

True relationships are about potentially hand holding for long periods of time.  In a real relationship being the glue that helps hold people we care about together is important.  The idea that relationships are only true if it is all happiness and light and no one is supporting one more than the other is nonsensical and unrealistic.  If the OP's relationship was a true equal one, then yes, she should hold his hand for as long as she can.

Now comes the BUT:

The fact that the OP talks about 'seeing' her 'friend', I don't think she sees it as a real romantic relationship on her part.  It sounds more informal than that.  OP: you are not responsible for what someone else does if you take a step to help yourself.  You were not responsible for the suicide of your previous boyfriend.  Not being able to save him isn't the same as being responsible for his suicide, so please forgive yourself - even though there really is nothing to forgive.   Let go of the guilt and you will be able to value yourself more.  Only then will you be able to make the decision whether to open yourself up emotionally again.  

It feels like you are not having an emotional relationship with your friend.  It gets physical, but is it fulfilling for you?  Irrespective of your friend's ability to 'get it up'.  Wait until you are emotionally ready for someone.  That's how you can put it to your friend also.  It's not a fault thing, so not a "it's not you, it's me" in that sense.  

groovy_chick

bebex said:

I’ve been seeing my friend for 3 months after 3 months of him chasing me as I was dead set on not getting involved with anyone. He’s been struggling with confidence due to not getting over his ex cheating, we’ve discussed things and he’s opened up to me slowly, he has also problems in the bedroom where he can’t get it up due to feeling pressure to perform. Everything was going fine until I asked him to stop liking multiple girls pictures on Instagram and he now decided he has no feelings and has just been pretending and what’s to end it now whilst we can be friends. He also claims he doesn’t feel good enough, which is confusing in itself. We’re attempting to be friends but I’m finding him very hot and cold and now he nick picks at me constantly and I just feel like !!!!!! and I don’t know what to do.

He has said he wants to end it - how can you not know what to do??
Just say great, good idea, let's end it - and move on.

mason's_mum

Men who don't respect women's boundaries or take "no" for an answer for 3 months don't have low self esteem!
Like Taff said above, it's all about control and manipulation. He's using your fear of what your previous boyfriend did to treat you badly and stop you from leaving.

AskAsk

groovy_chick said:

bebex said:

I’ve been seeing my friend for 3 months after 3 months of him chasing me as I was dead set on not getting involved with anyone. He’s been struggling with confidence due to not getting over his ex cheating, we’ve discussed things and he’s opened up to me slowly, he has also problems in the bedroom where he can’t get it up due to feeling pressure to perform. Everything was going fine until I asked him to stop liking multiple girls pictures on Instagram and he now decided he has no feelings and has just been pretending and what’s to end it now whilst we can be friends. He also claims he doesn’t feel good enough, which is confusing in itself. We’re attempting to be friends but I’m finding him very hot and cold and now he nick picks at me constantly and I just feel like !!!!!! and I don’t know what to do.

He has said he wants to end it - how can you not know what to do??
Just say great, good idea, let's end it - and move on.

this is very true.  somehow along the line, we have missed this.  the guy wants to break up with the OP, so i am now confused why the OP thinks he has the problem.  surely it is her that has the problem. 

he wants to move on but she is clinging on to him.  maybe it is the OP that has the low self esteem by the look of it.

-taff

ontheroad1970 said:

True relationships are about potentially hand holding for long periods of time.  In a real relationship being the glue that helps hold people we care about together is important.  The idea that relationships are only true if it is all happiness and light and no one is supporting one more than the other is nonsensical and unrealistic.

There is a difference between being supportive to each other in a relationship and then being responsible for the emotions of your boyfriend/girfriend/other type of friend. One is a mutual thing, the other is manuipulative.

bebex

AskAsk said:

groovy_chick said:

bebex said:

I’ve been seeing my friend for 3 months after 3 months of him chasing me as I was dead set on not getting involved with anyone. He’s been struggling with confidence due to not getting over his ex cheating, we’ve discussed things and he’s opened up to me slowly, he has also problems in the bedroom where he can’t get it up due to feeling pressure to perform. Everything was going fine until I asked him to stop liking multiple girls pictures on Instagram and he now decided he has no feelings and has just been pretending and what’s to end it now whilst we can be friends. He also claims he doesn’t feel good enough, which is confusing in itself. We’re attempting to be friends but I’m finding him very hot and cold and now he nick picks at me constantly and I just feel like !!!!!! and I don’t know what to do.

He has said he wants to end it - how can you not know what to do??
Just say great, good idea, let's end it - and move on.

this is very true.  somehow along the line, we have missed this.  the guy wants to break up with the OP, so i am now confused why the OP thinks he has the problem.  surely it is her that has the problem. 

he wants to move on but she is clinging on to him.  maybe it is the OP that has the low self esteem by the look of it.

Because he’s telling our friends he’s still interested and I’m not if that is the case I can be friends with him and be in endless wheel of emotional drama. He’s telling me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel likes he good enough and on another he said he has no feelings and wants to be friends but yet is sending me constant messages and not giving me space.

AskAsk

bebex said:

AskAsk said:

groovy_chick said:

bebex said:

I’ve been seeing my friend for 3 months after 3 months of him chasing me as I was dead set on not getting involved with anyone. He’s been struggling with confidence due to not getting over his ex cheating, we’ve discussed things and he’s opened up to me slowly, he has also problems in the bedroom where he can’t get it up due to feeling pressure to perform. Everything was going fine until I asked him to stop liking multiple girls pictures on Instagram and he now decided he has no feelings and has just been pretending and what’s to end it now whilst we can be friends. He also claims he doesn’t feel good enough, which is confusing in itself. We’re attempting to be friends but I’m finding him very hot and cold and now he nick picks at me constantly and I just feel like !!!!!! and I don’t know what to do.

He has said he wants to end it - how can you not know what to do??
Just say great, good idea, let's end it - and move on.

this is very true.  somehow along the line, we have missed this.  the guy wants to break up with the OP, so i am now confused why the OP thinks he has the problem.  surely it is her that has the problem. 

he wants to move on but she is clinging on to him.  maybe it is the OP that has the low self esteem by the look of it.

Because he’s telling our friends he’s still interested and I’m not if that is the case I can be friends with him and be in endless wheel of emotional drama. He’s telling me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel likes he good enough and on another he said he has no feelings and wants to be friends but yet is sending me constant messages and not giving me space.

effectively you are saying that he keeps changing what he is saying, and that can also change depending on who he is talking to.  it would appear that he doesn't know what he wants and is confused about his feelings. 

one minute he wants to be with you, another minute he doesn't?

MovingForwards

Say it's over.
Block his number.
Proper friends will understand and won't force someone to stay with another.

bebex

AskAsk said:

bebex said:

AskAsk said:

groovy_chick said:

bebex said:

I’ve been seeing my friend for 3 months after 3 months of him chasing me as I was dead set on not getting involved with anyone. He’s been struggling with confidence due to not getting over his ex cheating, we’ve discussed things and he’s opened up to me slowly, he has also problems in the bedroom where he can’t get it up due to feeling pressure to perform. Everything was going fine until I asked him to stop liking multiple girls pictures on Instagram and he now decided he has no feelings and has just been pretending and what’s to end it now whilst we can be friends. He also claims he doesn’t feel good enough, which is confusing in itself. We’re attempting to be friends but I’m finding him very hot and cold and now he nick picks at me constantly and I just feel like !!!!!! and I don’t know what to do.

He has said he wants to end it - how can you not know what to do??
Just say great, good idea, let's end it - and move on.

this is very true.  somehow along the line, we have missed this.  the guy wants to break up with the OP, so i am now confused why the OP thinks he has the problem.  surely it is her that has the problem. 

he wants to move on but she is clinging on to him.  maybe it is the OP that has the low self esteem by the look of it.

Because he’s telling our friends he’s still interested and I’m not if that is the case I can be friends with him and be in endless wheel of emotional drama. He’s telling me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel likes he good enough and on another he said he has no feelings and wants to be friends but yet is sending me constant messages and not giving me space.

effectively you are saying that he keeps changing what he is saying, and that can also change depending on who he is talking to.  it would appear that he doesn't know what he wants and is confused about his feelings. 

one minute he wants to be with you, another minute he doesn't?

Basically and I warned him before this started that I didn’t like these situations as they put a lot of pressure on friendships and could basically effect us in the group 

AskAsk

bebex said:

AskAsk said:

bebex said:

AskAsk said:

groovy_chick said:

bebex said:

I’ve been seeing my friend for 3 months after 3 months of him chasing me as I was dead set on not getting involved with anyone. He’s been struggling with confidence due to not getting over his ex cheating, we’ve discussed things and he’s opened up to me slowly, he has also problems in the bedroom where he can’t get it up due to feeling pressure to perform. Everything was going fine until I asked him to stop liking multiple girls pictures on Instagram and he now decided he has no feelings and has just been pretending and what’s to end it now whilst we can be friends. He also claims he doesn’t feel good enough, which is confusing in itself. We’re attempting to be friends but I’m finding him very hot and cold and now he nick picks at me constantly and I just feel like !!!!!! and I don’t know what to do.

He has said he wants to end it - how can you not know what to do??
Just say great, good idea, let's end it - and move on.

this is very true.  somehow along the line, we have missed this.  the guy wants to break up with the OP, so i am now confused why the OP thinks he has the problem.  surely it is her that has the problem. 

he wants to move on but she is clinging on to him.  maybe it is the OP that has the low self esteem by the look of it.

Because he’s telling our friends he’s still interested and I’m not if that is the case I can be friends with him and be in endless wheel of emotional drama. He’s telling me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel likes he good enough and on another he said he has no feelings and wants to be friends but yet is sending me constant messages and not giving me space.

effectively you are saying that he keeps changing what he is saying, and that can also change depending on who he is talking to.  it would appear that he doesn't know what he wants and is confused about his feelings. 

one minute he wants to be with you, another minute he doesn't?

Basically and I warned him before this started that I didn’t like these situations as they put a lot of pressure on friendships and could basically effect us in the group 

it sounds like you have feelings for him, else you wouldn't have posted this thread.  if i was me, and i did have feelings for someone like that, then i would give him space and say to him that until he knows what he wants, let's just leave it and just be friends, less complications.

and if he pesters you when he changes his mind, which sounds like he often does, and you don't believe that he will be constant and will change his mind again, then just say i can't deal with this to-ing and fro-ing and that you just want to be friends and don't want to complicate things.

in the mean time, look for another partner.  the easiest way to move on is to look for someone else i find.