HELP!How to convert a money waster? (sry long)

bargainqueen_2

Hi all,
hope this is in the right place, if not please move to the right space. I have a really big problem and no solution, so any ideas or experience are appreciated.
Basically, I was brought up to be incredibly frugal and never owe anything. I have never had any debt in my life (I know I am also lucky), and I don't understand people who buy cars on credit etc. (Hence I drive the oldest lemon in our town :-)) My Mum is the extremest moneysaver I know to the point that I am almost embarrased at her behaviour. Nevertheless, I think I am turning more and more into her. I am on a fairly low wage but make do ok, and I live with my OH who is on a slightly higher wage. We've lived together for ages and always had a monthly account (rent, bills etc), a weekly account (petrol, food etc) and separate leisure accounts each, as well as a savings account. The system seemed to work well, although I always had heaps of money hanging around in my leisure account and OH never had any, frequently going overdrawn and me having to bail him out. (Not major amounts. I'm talking 50 quid plus punishment fee or so). The thing is, I have started totally resenting him for the way he is with money. Our relationship is very good, and we do occasionally broach the subject and he says he's crap with money, but nothing happens. We have recently moved to Australia, based on the savings in the savings account. We had both worked hard to put money into that, but still the majority of that money came from my grandparents (they had set up a fund when I was born) and my Mum (a present for my graduation). So, we got here and spent A LOT of money (rent, deposit, furniture etc.) But then, OH went out and bought a bike which cost a bomb, and he never even spoke to me about it. Just came home with it. Whereas I ask his opinion on EVERYTHING that I think we need, to make sure it's ok. And then get it 2nd hand. The account systems here are different, you have to pay monthly fees etc, so I don't want to go opening all these separate accounts anymore. I just want to know how to teach him to respect (MY!) money, to save for a bigger purpose (we want to buy a house as soon as possible). He works and earns but he spends money on such rubbish, mainly just the little things, like cans of coke from the expensive cornershop etc. I offer to buy bulk in the weekly shopping and he says he doesnt want any but then spends 3 times as much. I want to SCREAM!
The thing is, I worry whether I am just totally anal? Maybe I have gone crazy and am just too stingy? I don't know what to do, I keep finding that I resent him for every little bit he spends, and I dream of being single and independent (meaning I would be financially happy but emotinally a wreck).
Please peops help me with your wise opinions, how do I become more tolerant and how does he become more economical? Thanks... Oh, and sorry for rambling on..

elona

I do not really think that this is about money but about lack of respect and commitment.

You consult him but he does not consult you.

You bale him out as is he is a child which makes it hard for you to respect him.

It is ok to say he is useless with money if he then listens to you and consults you but he does not do this.

How happy would you be buying a house if you do all the work and saving etc while he is a financial milestone around your neck - if you then split - he gets half of what you have worked for?

I am probably being unfair but he sounds like a big kid.

apprentice_tycoon

I think that you might have to tread carefully here, you and he don't see money in the same way, he might be feeling stifled by your (enviable!) thrift.
I would make sure that you have all your budgets for joint expenses set in stone and even if you can't have an account for each part of it because of the fees I'd have it put away each month in one account, in your name maybe? Have a savings account for your new house too if that's not too expensive
After that you divide the spending money in a way agreeable to you both and let him do as he pleases with his portion of it, he may not spend it wisely but that's his choice. You will just have to turn a blind eye, so long as the bills are being paid and the savings are climbing he needs to be free with his pocket money, you have yours too and if you save it that's your choice but that is YOUR personal savings, not your couple savings, keep them apart or you will feel resentful that you are putting more into the joint savings than he is
You have had such an upheaval with the move to Oz and I'd worry that you might become - in his eyes - a bit of a nag.

rchddap1

I do agree with the above post. I know you don't want to split your accounts, but I'm wondering whether that would be best. That way each of you can do what you want to do. Once the money is gone...its gone.

Oh...and most men are big kids at heart even if they claim not to be.

Lillibet_2

Hi BQ

I have had similar problems with my Hubby, it isn't that he means to be a pain but he is just a bit thoughtless, plus he does think I am completely anal about money & I think he is somewhat irresponsible.....between the 2 of us I think we strike a healthy balance but seperately we are not so good:rolleyes:

Have you tried a cash only basis for leisure money, on either a monthly or weekly allowance? Then once it's gone it's gone. If he runs out a few times & you don't bale him out he will learn eventually. I know it is hard but you have to stop baling him out. Sometimes with my hubby I would agree to meet the fees but he had to meet the overspend, as I couldn't bare to give the money to the bank un-necessarily.

If you are finding it hard to trust him what about making your account only accessable on joint signatures? This might not be possible for logistical reasons and might not be worth it if he is likely to take huge offence (you can't put a price on love & happiness remember) but I think he has given you reason to look at this option, you wouldn't be saying he couldn't spend money, just that you wanted to be consulted about the bigger stuff?. At least maybe you could agree a specific limit over which you will not spend without consultign the other? if he has not got as strong feeligns as you abotu money he may find it diffcuilt to consult you all the time & feel better if there are some defined boundaries?

Thats all I can think of for now, HTH & good luck;)

lush_walrus

To be honest I think it is a very common difference between men and women. Men rarely worry about finance in the same way that a woman does.

I have a simular sittuation with my partner, and my mum would definately say the same about her and my dad!! With my situation it is made worse by the fact that I also earn more money than he does. I personally deal with it by letting him spend his money as he wishes and as I do earn more I sometimes treat him to things. But as a gentle reminder every now and then I say nothing and when he suggests going out or whatever I tell him we don't have the money so we can't....It definately makes him very frugal for a few weeks without one nagging word, just little statements that make him feel as if he wants to save money!

I'm not sure what the solution is, but I think there are some good suggestions above for you to consider.

fatboyonadiet

Take your side, me thinks he's also got used to you bailing him out all the time as well.

Would differ with the last poster, I worry about finance a LOT more than my wife, but she's changind!!!

System

My mans a bit like that. He thinks i take frugality to the extreme, but i never know where i am with him financially. Dont get me wrong, the money has always been there for me to pay the bills but he quits his job at the drop of a hat. He last quit his job a couple of months ago and started work a couple of weeks ago, but this time i have had to start eating into the savings to get us back on our feet.

The final straw came when he phoned me up, this morning to ask me to book the van in for its MOT he recons there will be work to be done on it and he was going to book it in to be done the week after taking it in. I told him we couldnt afford it what with the holiday coming up and to take it off the road for a few weeks and use the car for work but he couldnt do that in case the paintwork got scratched. I have been telling him for months that we cant afford two motors and one of the motors just has to go but he wont accept it.

lush_walrus

fatboyonadiet wrote:

Would differ with the last poster, I worry about finance a LOT more than my wife, but she's changind!!!

I am very impressed!!!! Hhhm maybe I should get BF on here for some lessons from you...

Kantankrus_Mare

My fella reads this site!! Dont you John? lolol

Dont know if any of its sinking in......but I think he's only checking cos he thinks Ive got a bloke on here!!

I have great sympathy with OP as it means you feel like you are nagging all the time and if you didnt ,your finances would be a total shambles!!

Hope you manage to find a compromise and if you do .....let me in on the secret and post it.........hubby may read and take note lolol

bargainqueen_2

Some really great tips on here, thanks guys! I think you are right, he has become used to me seeing him through. It is also true that I have a tendency to finish everything that's on my plate so as NOT TO WASTE IT- even if I then feel sick and pregnant for hours! And he then asks (with good right) why I didn't just chuck it...Ah well you see the differences (and yeah I am anal :-)) Anyway, once I know what exactly is coming in and what the bills are, I will open him a leisure account and take the card of the joint account away. That may be mean but the only solution I can see. I can't believe he is 8 years older than me (and Elona I agree 100% acting like a KID!) Will I have to be "Mum" for the rest of our lives???Ugh!
Judi what will you do now? Sell the Van?
I think you are all right here, if we are that different we just need to treat it differently. I will let you know how we are getting on. Now...how do I broach the subject??