My Child's Friend is Toxic

ryan7

I have questioned her behaviour direct but she blanked me. I'd have to adopt another tone to get her attention but I would not be happy if someone spoke to my children like that so wouldn't put it on another.
This girl is different, not spoiled in a materialistic way but she does seek attention and resorts to sometimes disgusting acts to do so. 
As someone previously mentioned, I think the need for undivided attention is a keen driver and perhaps why she wants to play with one person and not a group.

Again to refer back to my initial question, do you force/encourage the children to play together or would you pull your own from the situation if they were on the receiving end of it?

Daveydawg

I reckon there's parallels. My girl still wants to be part of the group so we let her, but I can't say it's something I'm really happy with, especially with the bent back fingers. As I said we watch a lot and talk to her a lot, but we don't pull her away. If anything else happens or if she looks as though she's not coping ok it will be a rethink.

HCIMbtw

pickledonionspaceraider said:

HCIMbtw said:

you have to talk to the 7 year old girl.

You cannot try and talk sense into another persons child.
Totally the job of the parents and it'll just go in one ear and out the other as this will not be re-enforced at home.  

I don't think so.. think society has a responsibility as a whole to help kids learn, not just a parents job. If I hear kids swearing loudly in the park for example i'll tell them its completely in appropriate with other kids around. 

Turn your back to the behaviour how do they learn? 

I really don't think it is too much of a stretch to talk to a girl you and your daughter essentially know. Ask her why shes behaving this way, help her try understand how it would feel to be on the receiving end.

74jax

HCIMbtw said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

HCIMbtw said:

you have to talk to the 7 year old girl.

You cannot try and talk sense into another persons child.
Totally the job of the parents and it'll just go in one ear and out the other as this will not be re-enforced at home.  

I don't think so.. think society has a responsibility as a whole to help kids learn, not just a parents job. If I hear kids swearing loudly in the park for example i'll tell them its completely in appropriate with other kids around. 

Turn your back to the behaviour how do they learn? 

I really don't think it is too much of a stretch to talk to a girl you and your daughter essentially know. Ask her why shes behaving this way, help her try understand how it would feel to be on the receiving end.

I agree, I remember in a soft play centre, my DD was around 5 (can't remember) and I saw another kid pull her down the internal net tunnel - completely deliberate and in a very vindictive nasty way - not just kids playing.  
I went in and spoke to him, and told him to go an apologise.  He knew instantly what he had done and went crying to his mum who didn't see any of it.  I spoke to the mum who made him apologise to my DD and he just kept away from her for the rest of the session.  
I'm not saying it will be like this with the OP, but sometimes you do need to speak to the child.  It is not acceptable.  Even in the soft play the mum wasn't far away but didn't see it happen.  The parents of this girl may not know what she is like (giving her the benefit of the doubt here), so would always attempt to address the behaviour.

Daveydawg

I'd be wary of speaking to the child direct, unless there's other adults around. I remember being on a cycle path with my mate and there was a group of young girls messing about. One of them smashed a bottle and my mate told her to clean it up. Quick as a flash she turned round and said she'd report him for touching her. All the other girls screamed with laughter. When I opened my mouth to tell her to calm it down, she told me she'd report me too. Didn't happen, but I've never forgotten it.

pickledonionspaceraider

HCIMbtw said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

HCIMbtw said:

you have to talk to the 7 year old girl.

You cannot try and talk sense into another persons child.
Totally the job of the parents and it'll just go in one ear and out the other as this will not be re-enforced at home.  

Turn your back to the behaviour how do they learn? 

Except that isn't what I said.
Yes talk to the girl directly - watch it be ignored and escalate, because it will not be reinforced at home.  The parents will still giving signals that it is OK to behave like this - and a one off straightening out from a neighbour is not going change all that ongoing reinforced behavior

74jax Yes I would do the same in that situation - for sure. The OP has a very different ongoing sustained problem right on their doorstep

This girl lives on the same street, and has the proximity and attitude to cause ructions for the OP daughter for years to come. 

OP you really need to speak to the parents.  If you talk to the child, you are wasting your breath - and the parents are still unaware of the problem. Literally nothing will change if you speak directly to the kid

[Deleted User]

ryan7 said:

I have questioned her behaviour direct but she blanked me. I'd have to adopt another tone to get her attention but I would not be happy if someone spoke to my children like that so wouldn't put it on another.
This girl is different, not spoiled in a materialistic way but she does seek attention and resorts to sometimes disgusting acts to do so. 
As someone previously mentioned, I think the need for undivided attention is a keen driver and perhaps why she wants to play with one person and not a group.

Again to refer back to my initial question, do you force/encourage the children to play together or would you pull your own from the situation if they were on the receiving end of it?

I wouldn’t pull my own child from a group of children playing. You encounter wee besoms like this in life no matter what your age so at some point your child needs to learn how to deal with them. Let your child know that just because this girl says you’ve to exclude someone doesn’t mean that she has to go along with it. That said I wouldn’t necessarily encourage and one to one play time with this girl.