My Child's Friend is Toxic

74jax

Lover_of_Lycra said:

At primary school one girl told the whole class not to speak to me and that's what they did, completely excluded me.  After a day or two one girl came announced in the playground, "my mum says I'm allowed to talk to whoever I want," and she did.  Maybe you could say something similar to your daughter.

I love the outcome of this story!  I hate you were treated that way, but that girl clearly knew it wasn't right and her mum gave her the strength to say out loud it was wrong.  I also love how you remember this and what was said so many years later.  

[Deleted User]

74jax said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

At primary school one girl told the whole class not to speak to me and that's what they did, completely excluded me.  After a day or two one girl came announced in the playground, "my mum says I'm allowed to talk to whoever I want," and she did.  Maybe you could say something similar to your daughter.

I love the outcome of this story!  I hate you were treated that way, but that girl clearly knew it wasn't right and her mum gave her the strength to say out loud it was wrong.  I also love how you remember this and what was said so many years later.  

I must confess that it's made me a bit emotional thinking about many, many years later.

MalMonroe

Aranyani said:

I don't think its appropriate to call a 7 year old child a bully or toxic for this, and certainly not a 'b word meaning female dog', that is quite frankly disgusting coming from an adult woman.  This child is probably very insecure and low on self esteem hence engineering situations where she feels needed and important.  She might not even realise she is doing it and it is almost certainly about what is lacking in her own life, not about any real malice towards the excluded child. 

Teaching your daughter that the 'toxic' child needs her kindness too and to feel sympathy for her is an important part of dealing with this. 

I totally agree with what you say. I am the mother of a daughter and agree that other children can be awful but they usually have big problems at home, or elsewhere. We should try to understand, rather than call them names, which is simply a perpetuation of childishness.

MalMonroe

As the mother of a now grown daughter I have to say we had our fair share of bullying girls throughout her school life. Those girls, we discovered, were without exception, very unhappy at home. Seven years of age is the time when children just don't care about hurt feelings, they're far too immature. We learned, through some tearful times, that you have to let children fight their own battles, as hard as it is. We also learned that you can't change another person's behaviour, you can only change how you react to that behaviour.

My daughter has grown up to be a very intelligent, caring, loving and forgiving individual. I couldn't be more proud. She had some ups and downs during childhood but she managed to cope, because at home, unlike the bullies she encountered, she had loving parents who always supported and helped her. 

pollypenny

Sometimes their problems are caused by being treated as little princesses at home, and often by grandparents too. 

pickledonionspaceraider

It is a hard one OP.  I don't think permanently removing your child from the situation is the answer though - as you live on the same street, and schools etc, - it is likely this girl is going to be around for all your daughters childhood, unless you move house.

It sounds as if you have already attempted speaking to her parents and spoke to the girl directly, neither of which has had much impact.  I would speak to the parents again, and be far FAR more assertive.

This girl is going to grow up to be one of those teenagers like in 'mean girls' I think - and she needs bringing down a peg or ten.  Now is the time to do it, as you will be struggling to intervene in the same ways when they are older.  

My question would be - is this girl an only child? Her parents really need to be disciplining her - keeping her in - grounding her - when she is behaving spitefully, instead of standing back and admitting they cannot cope - because what will it be like when the kid is a teenager and has years of embedded thought that she can do whatever she wants?

I think speak to the parents.  But tell them they need to start parenting or suggest some parenting classes if they are struggling to cope.  Tell them straight.  How very dare they not parent their own child?? Seriously.  I know it may seem OTT, but if you don't intervene, things will only escalate as the kids get older.

If things didn't change, I would ban the kid from knocking my door / my kid from playing with her.  Things like this can and do cause emotional damage in kids. 

HCIMbtw

you have to talk to the 7 year old girl.

pickledonionspaceraider

HCIMbtw said:

you have to talk to the 7 year old girl.

You cannot try and talk sense into another persons child.
Totally the job of the parents and it'll just go in one ear and out the other as this will not be re-enforced at home.  

Daveydawg

Feel for you mate. Been there and still got it going on. My daughter's got a great group of friends bar one. This kid is a spoilt little princess and has to be the centre of attention at all times. We're talking full face of make up, fancy hair do, shaped eyebrows and high heels aged 10. She's even got a designer handbag. She chooses who is going to be her best friend for that day or week and it's rarely my girl. It's pitiful to see all the girls trying to be the one in favour. We tried to intervene, and made it worse. Never been spoken to like that before by any man, woman or child and my girl got the backlash of having her fingers bent back and being ignored for 3 weeks, so now we watch and wait. We check frequently that my girl is ok and most of the time she is. Sometimes she's upset, but she's starting to realise what the princess is doing and I reckon that's a valuable life lesson. Just keep checking on your girl and talking to her. Keep an eye out for escalation.

pickledonionspaceraider

Daveydawg said:

Feel for you mate. Been there and still got it going on. My daughter's got a great group of friends bar one. This kid is a spoilt little princess and has to be the centre of attention at all times. We're talking full face of make up, fancy hair do, shaped eyebrows and high heels aged 10. She's even got a designer handbag. She chooses who is going to be her best friend for that day or week and it's rarely my girl. It's pitiful to see all the girls trying to be the one in favour. We tried to intervene, and made it worse. Never been spoken to like that before by any man, woman or child and my girl got the backlash of having her fingers bent back and being ignored for 3 weeks, so now we watch and wait. We check frequently that my girl is ok and most of the time she is. Sometimes she's upset, but she's starting to realise what the princess is doing and I reckon that's a valuable life lesson. Just keep checking on your girl and talking to her. Keep an eye out for escalation.

oh my goodness................kids can be so mean. Honestly it really is down to the parents, who on earth lets a ten year old wear make up and have designer handbags