My Child's Friend is Toxic

ryan7

My 7 year old daughter has a friend of the same age who is not a nice person. They have gone to toddler groups, nursery and now they are in the same class at school.  We also live on the same street therefore outwith school,  they play within the same group of friends.

However this ‘friend’ is disobedient, rude and manipulative to the point where she  influences other children to play with only her causing another child to be excluded. The other children are none-the-wiser and go along with it not realising the impact it has on the person being left out  even when they have been on the receiving end of it before.

 My partner removes my daughter from the situation and brings her in, furious. I understand why but equally I’m in the boat of, EVERYONE should be encouraged to play together.

 I’m curious to know how other parent/guardians have handled these situations in the past? It’s impossible to keep them apart. They only way of doing so would be to keep my DD in  but that would not be fair….

Comms69

Sounds like you're reading too much into typical kid behaviour. 

AskAsk

reminds me of my brother.  he hang out with friends that were a bad influence on him.  they encouraged him to go shop lifting with them and the police brought him back, so it was that bad.  the police gave him a caution, or at least that was what they said, and they said the shop would presecute if he was caught shoplifting again.  he was only 8!

other examples available, but that was the one with the police!  my mother could never keep him away from his mates so it just continued.

newlywed

Talk to her and ask her how she would feel if she was the one person excluded. Then ask her to be kind to people.

i used to have that at school, around the same age and if you were the one excluded, one of the others would run past and say “I still like you” or “you are still my friend”   Yes it made a difference at that age.

ryan7

Comms69 said:

Sounds like you're reading too much into typical kid behaviour. 

That was my initial reaction but this goes beyond that. One of many examples was when she knocked on my door to tell me my daughter was excluding her when infact it was her who didn't want to join in with what my DD was doing at the time. It was in my garden I watched it unfurl through the window. 

Comms69

ryan7 said:

Comms69 said:

Sounds like you're reading too much into typical kid behaviour. 

That was my initial reaction but this goes beyond that. One of many examples was when she knocked on my door to tell me my daughter was excluding her when infact it was her who didn't want to join in with what my DD was doing at the time. It was in my garden I watched it unfurl through the window. 

Yes kids do this all the time. She's 7. I think taking your child out of the situation is one of the worst things you can do. This is the perfect age to be developing social skills; and that includes dealing with difficult people. 

strawb_shortcake

As a female I feel okay to say this, but girls can be absolute bitches, and unfortunately this is quite typical behaviour, certainly witnessed enough of it 30 years ago. 
Not sure what the solution is, I was a very shy child that didn't make friends easily, (still don't) I stuck with some unpleasant friends despite my parents best efforts for me to find new ones, the good times certainly outweighed the bad, but looking back life would have been better without the main culprit. 
We all grew apart in the end, and I suppose my parents played a part in that teaching me right from wrong.
Does your Daughter recognise the bad traits in this friend? I wouldn't necessarily encourage your Daughter to call her out on the behaviour, but if she can recognise and learn to rise above it then it just may well stand her in good stead for the future.

pollypenny

Typical girls' bullying, which can continue for life. Girls' bullying us so much more difficult for schools to deal with than boys, who tend to fight and it's ended. 

Ensure her behaviour doesn't upset your daughter, by boosting her confidence. 

Aranyani

The only thing you can do is to continue to instil in your daughter that kind is the most important thing for a person to be.  Model it, talk about it at home, reinforce it with praise when she treats others kindly, prompt her regularly to do kind things for friends, family, neighbours, strangers.  Discuss at home what is and isn't kind behaviour. 

pollyanna_26

newlywed said:

Talk to her and ask her how she would feel if she was the one person excluded. Then ask her to be kind to people.

i used to have that at school, around the same age and if you were the one excluded, one of the others would run past and say “I still like you” or “you are still my friend”   Yes it made a difference at that age.

As a retired primary school teacher and mum of 4 offspring, thankfully now well into adulthood i agree with the post I've quoted.

Asking your dd how she would feel as the victim will make her think. You can't change these situations quickly but concentrating on kindness to others will plant seeds .

I'm afraid bullies and nasty people have always been around. My youngest daughter with complex physical.  health problems was a target when she moved to senior school. She'd loved primary school but some of her friends from primary joined bullies wh'd come from other schools. Many children join the bullies to save themselves from bullying.

Just one year in senior school caused seroius damage to my dds mental health and I removed her from formal education and she was home schooled.

I'm aware bullying,judging and picking on others is much more common nowadays.Just keep an eye on your daughter and make her aware that kindness matters . Friends come and go but with awareness and asking her if she would mind being bullied things will sort themselves out.

Things change as time goes on but with guidance at home she will learn right from wrong. It's important to keep an open dialogue with youngsters and include if she is being bullied she must tell you or mum.

polly

Aranyani

I don't think its appropriate to call a 7 year old child a bully or toxic for this, and certainly not a 'b word meaning female dog', that is quite frankly disgusting coming from an adult woman.  This child is probably very insecure and low on self esteem hence engineering situations where she feels needed and important.  She might not even realise she is doing it and it is almost certainly about what is lacking in her own life, not about any real malice towards the excluded child. 

Teaching your daughter that the 'toxic' child needs her kindness too and to feel sympathy for her is an important part of dealing with this.