I really hate my inlaws

TBagpuss

You don't have to have a relationship with them, and by blocking their numbers etc you have taken the steps you can to avoid contact with them.

The next step is to work with you partner to work out what you and he are both comfortable with.

Ideally, this might involve him being clear with them that if they make nasty comments about you or criticise you that he will simply leave / end the conversation.

But it might also mean that he agrees not to discuss or relay to you any comments they make or conversations that they have with him, and that you and he agree that he won't share information about your joint arrangements / choices - for example, with the house that could mean that he doesn't tell them about it or discuss it with them at all until the point where he is telling them that you've just moved in and here's the new address - if he puts them on an informati0on diet so they don't get information about decisions you are making a s a couple until they have been made, then they have a lot fewer opportunities to interfere either directly or by trying to manipulate or push him behind your back,.

You an he also need to discuss how you will manage in any situation where you and they are together - for instance, if he wants to be able to invite them to your joint home, that's not an unreasonable thing for him to want, but you might need to have an agreement between the two of you and the maximum length of any visits, how much you will participate and how you will deal with it if they become rude or inappropriate (which may well mean that the two of you need to agree that HE will give them one warning and then tell them to leave, for example - it is likely that it will need to be him not you who deals with any inappropriate behavior) 

It's reasonable for you as a couple to agree on some firm boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable.  Both of youneed to be willing to compromise , but compromise should not mean that you have to tolerate them abusing your or trying to undermine the relationship, it might be that you agree that they can continue to visit your home provided they behave appropriately, or that you will not seek to prevent your partner from visiting them or calling them,  and that you will be polite to them at any gatherings where both you and they are guests.
On his part, it may mean that he agrees not to share information with them that is about you as well as him, or about choices you make as a couple (so that would include financial decision around the house, decisions relating to any wedding, and to children, financial decisions such as a change of job where it would impact you as well as him)  until you and he are both ready to share the information and have agreed on how much to share, that he agrees that he will leave or require them to leave if they are critical  of you or try to interfere in his relationship with you or your personal life,.

It would probably be helpful for the two of you to talk to a relationship counsellor / therapist to help you work on your own communication with each other and how to sethealthy boundaries, so this doesn't become a fight with him defending his parents and you being seen as the unreasonable one. 

[Deleted User]

GingerLs said:

74jax said:

GingerLs said:

Pollycat said:

It's not so much your in-laws that are the problem - it's your partner.

Have you discussed it with him? Does he know how miserable they are making you feel?

Until he starts supporting you and telling them to back off, things aren't going to change.

Do you think it's likely he's going to do that?

He had has told them to back off, they don't take kindly to it at all and it usually becomes really nasty with the 3 of them arguing. They end up not speaking for a few weeks then when the dust has settled they are friends again, act like nothing has happened and then start interfering at their next given opportunity. Its a repetitive vicious circle and I'm sick of it. 

I'm fully aware that my partner is playing a part in this too and I'm annoyed at him hence the arguments and it coming between us
us, but when I tell him how I feel he says that he has stuck up for me, and he will not, not have a relationship with his parents and says they aren't being as interfering as they once had been.

I have blocked all of their numbers, not spoke or seen them since August, surely I can't have a relationship with him and just pretend that they don't exist. 😣

So you haven't spoken to them or seen them since August, I'm not sure why it's an issue now then.  They can't be causing you hassle as they aren't in touch with you, I'm not sure why the exact problem is now - is something on your mind worrying you about it?  Has your partner seen them/been in touch?  
You say you can't have a relationship with your partner and not see them, but that's what you are doing now, and I can't see why it can't continue.  My husband never came with me to see my folks and I never went to see his, it wasn't really a big issue, we just did our own thing.  
I am guessing your partner has seen them, they have asked him for the 10k back and that's when the petty name calling happened?  When your partner told you what they said, did he explain what he then told them to stick up for you?  
Something much have happened in the last 5-6 weeks when you haven't had contact for it to be an issue now, and I'm wondering if it's more your partner than the in laws?

My partner has remained in contact with them. Speaks to them occasionally and has been over to visit them once or twice since August. 
They said they wanted 10k back yesterday and obviously he had to tell me. 

Even when I don't speak to them they seem to have ways to get to me or affect my life and I'm started to worry that it's best to walk away, even though that's not what I really want. 

Hand the £10k back and and tell them to ram it*.  If you keep the money they will keep it hanging over you and give them even more sense of entitlement to interfere in your life.

*Ok, maybe not the second part but definitely the first.

74jax

GingerLs said:

74jax said:

GingerLs said:

Pollycat said:

It's not so much your in-laws that are the problem - it's your partner.

Have you discussed it with him? Does he know how miserable they are making you feel?

Until he starts supporting you and telling them to back off, things aren't going to change.

Do you think it's likely he's going to do that?

He had has told them to back off, they don't take kindly to it at all and it usually becomes really nasty with the 3 of them arguing. They end up not speaking for a few weeks then when the dust has settled they are friends again, act like nothing has happened and then start interfering at their next given opportunity. Its a repetitive vicious circle and I'm sick of it. 

I'm fully aware that my partner is playing a part in this too and I'm annoyed at him hence the arguments and it coming between us
us, but when I tell him how I feel he says that he has stuck up for me, and he will not, not have a relationship with his parents and says they aren't being as interfering as they once had been.

I have blocked all of their numbers, not spoke or seen them since August, surely I can't have a relationship with him and just pretend that they don't exist. 😣

So you haven't spoken to them or seen them since August, I'm not sure why it's an issue now then.  They can't be causing you hassle as they aren't in touch with you, I'm not sure why the exact problem is now - is something on your mind worrying you about it?  Has your partner seen them/been in touch?  
You say you can't have a relationship with your partner and not see them, but that's what you are doing now, and I can't see why it can't continue.  My husband never came with me to see my folks and I never went to see his, it wasn't really a big issue, we just did our own thing.  
I am guessing your partner has seen them, they have asked him for the 10k back and that's when the petty name calling happened?  When your partner told you what they said, did he explain what he then told them to stick up for you?  
Something much have happened in the last 5-6 weeks when you haven't had contact for it to be an issue now, and I'm wondering if it's more your partner than the in laws?

My partner has remained in contact with them. Speaks to them occasionally and has been over to visit them once or twice since August. 
They said they wanted 10k back yesterday and obviously he had to tell me. 

Even when I don't speak to them they seem to have ways to get to me or affect my life and I'm started to worry that it's best to walk away, even though that's not what I really want. 

Thank you GingerLs, I also totally get where you are coming from with the whole 'they have ways to get at me' thinking. 
If you try and look at it pragmatically - your partner went to see them, they asked for the money back, he told you.  Ignore all the other shouting, arguments etc that went on.  Can you now (if in a position to do so) have your partner pay the money back with a 'thanks for the offer, sorry it didn't work out' type message.  Your partner doesn't need to replay your private conversations to his parents about how you're upset etc, they don't need to know they have 'got at you'.  Simply they asked for the money back, they got the money back, end of.  
I get the whole playing out scenarios in your head and having it affect your life, it will be in your mind constantly and you'll be replaying it over and over.  But I really think to gain control on this, you have to step back.  Your partner cannot play both sides off against each other, he can't tell you stories of them, and then replay your reaction to his parents (if that is whats happening).  
Pay the money back, move on.  The best way to move forward is to learn from the situation and agree your partner deals with them, and you need facts only.  
If you dont' want to walk away, then you both need to learn how to deal with this so it doesn't eat away in your mind.  They sound toxic, and your partner is allowing that toxicity.  

Soot2006

Do you know what happened in the conversation in which they asked for the money back? Is it possible your partner did stand for you/your relationship/the decisions you make, and their inability to deal with this made them want their money back?

If possible, return the money. Another £10k dept over the course of a lifetime isn't worth your sanity even though it's a lot of cash.  And because I'm a passive aggressive monster, I would return it sweetly saying "actually, you're right, it's probably best if you're not involved at all in our affairs"  ...

GingerLs

Soot2006 said:

Do you know what happened in the conversation in which they asked for the money back? Is it possible your partner did stand for you/your relationship/the decisions you make, and their inability to deal with this made them want their money back?

If possible, return the money. Another £10k dept over the course of a lifetime isn't worth your sanity even though it's a lot of cash.  And because I'm a passive aggressive monster, I would return it sweetly saying "actually, you're right, it's probably best if you're not involved at all in our affairs"  ...

My partner told them that he thinks it's wrong to offer money then ask for it back and now he's really annoyed about the situation. He said to me that he is embarrassed of their behaviour and if they ever offer to loan us money he will decline it as they are playing games. I think that's exactly why they want it back, because they realise that I don't want to speak to them and my partner keeps telling them to stop interfering. They've spat their dummy out. 

carefullycautious

He needs to sit down and explain to them that if they keep this up they are at risk of loosing both of you and any future children you may have. 
What a horrible thing to do by giving a gift and then asking for it back. Life is too short to live like this. Has he had problems with previous relationships?

GingerLs

carefullycautious said:

He needs to sit down and explain to them that if they keep this up they are at risk of loosing both of you and any future children you may have. 
What a horrible thing to do by giving a gift and then asking for it back. Life is too short to live like this. Has he had problems with previous relationships?

I'm his first 'proper' relationship. He introduced a girl to them he was briefly dating before me, and apparently they instantly disliked her and claimed that she was going to trap him with a baby, I'm sure they only met her the once, so he told me anyway. I dont know how they figured that out 🤔

JWM

GingerLs said:

Soot2006 said:

Do you know what happened in the conversation in which they asked for the money back? Is it possible your partner did stand for you/your relationship/the decisions you make, and their inability to deal with this made them want their money back?

If possible, return the money. Another £10k dept over the course of a lifetime isn't worth your sanity even though it's a lot of cash.  And because I'm a passive aggressive monster, I would return it sweetly saying "actually, you're right, it's probably best if you're not involved at all in our affairs"  ...

My partner told them that he thinks it's wrong to offer money then ask for it back and now he's really annoyed about the situation. He said to me that he is embarrassed of their behaviour and if they ever offer to loan us money he will decline it as they are playing games. I think that's exactly why they want it back, because they realise that I don't want to speak to them and my partner keeps telling them to stop interfering. They've spat their dummy out. 

OK, you're not going to like this but....I had assumed that you had returned the money back in August, I didn't realise that you had accepted the money and then declined to speak to them. Given their form you must have known it would come with strings - 'he who pays the piper calls the tune'.

Of course it shouldn't be that way, but it seems that you have 2 choices:

1 Take the cash and suck up the interference, they have paid for that right after all

2 Don't take their money and tell them where to stick it

Of course that's wrong but I'm afraid your lost the moral high ground when you accepted £10,000.

I say this as a parent who has given DS a lot more than that over the years, but it was always a gift and he knows that he is free to do as he wishes with it. I haven't always liked his GF's either but I plaster on a smile and pretend I do! Your OH's parents are different though aren't they? It was made very clear to you in the beginning so I think its a bit foolish now to demand they change, but we'll keep the cash anyway! Not going to happen - you just have you accept that.

My personal opinion is leave now and find a man who isn't still tied to the apron strings, its not going to get better, in fact it will be a thousand times worse if you ever had children.

Best of luck

MalMonroe

I see the problem! Too much information sharing. Your OH started off by telling them EVERYTHING. Your relationship with him is, and always has been, your private matter. Nothing to do with them, they don't need to know about how you get your car, how you buy a house, anything. It's your joint life. 

It really is awful when adult children and their parents don't speak or have arguments, or become estranged. But really, your OH's parents need him and you to get on and make your own mistakes. First big one, oversharing. Second big one, accepting money. 

It'd be great if you could all get together and have a chat like civilised adults instead of not speaking or blocking phone numbers and behaving childishly.  Also, if you and he could constantly present a united front, i.e. both of you visit them rather than just him going to try to sort them out. They may be his parents but you are a couple now.

I've had counselling in the past and was given that old cliché, "you can't change other people's behaviour but you CAN manage the way you respond to others". It may be old and it may be a cliché but it's true. If his parents can't act like adults, it doesn't mean you have to follow their lead.

Your OH needs to stop trying to please them and earn their respect because it's obvious that's not going to happen. You both have a life to lead, get on with it!

Also, obviously, return their £10k. You don't need it.

MalMonroe

Aranyani said:

I disagree that the OP should leave her home if they visit.  

Nobody who makes someone so uncomfortable that they can't stay in their own home, their safe space, should be allowed over the threshold.  The parents have a home where the OP's partner can go to visit them.  It also gives them no ammunition to criticise the house/cleanliness/DIY etc. 

I'm with you. This OP and her OH need to present a united front to these controlling parents. And they should do it every single time, imho.