I really hate my inlaws

Morglin

I didn’t speak to my ex in laws for 26 years.  My ex could visit them, he could take the kids (although they stopped wanting to visit as they got older), and I went out if they came to our house.

I just didn’t get involved with them - they were awful. 

I put my foot down early, and it seemed to work ok.  Do what’s best for you, and your husband needs to accept that you don’t want all the stress and arguments of dealing with them. 

gwynlas

Is this a cultural issue? Do they resent your living together outside mattiage. This behaviour sounds ingraibed are they kije this with his siblings and their partners? I cannot see that anything is going to change unless there is physical distance between households so that visits need planning. If you split up they will have won the competition , Is the partnership strong enough to cope with you remaining estranged from his parents? What about children?

zagfles

It sounds like the parent/child relationship is a controlling one. There's this myth that controlling relationships are always between partners, they're not. Your partner is the victim. It's all very easy to tell him to "grow a pair", "man up" etc, but as with any controlling relationship, blaming the victim doesn't usually work. It can be even worse with parent/child controlling relationships as he's likely to have been made feel useless, helpless, totally depandant on his parents all his life. They don't want to let that child go. They will treat him as a child forever, question his every decision, step in and tell him they know best. He may not even realise it, even though it's plain for others to see, a common trait in victims of controlling relationships. 

There's plenty of advice online about coercive control, most assume the stereotypical female victim in a partner relationship, but the principle is the same for any relationship.

Keep_pedalling

zagfles said:

For a start, give them their £10k back (if you haven't already) and don't accept any money from them for anything ever again. It's clear you won't "cut the strings" until you can show them you don't need them. Then they might start realising you're grown adults who can take care of themselves make their own decisions.

These people are control freaks and the gift was not so much to help but to assert control. If you can afford to give it back, but if that is going to cause financial hardship don’t.

Your partner needs to grow a pair and tell them to butt out. You should cut all contact. Block their phone numbers, go out if they are visiting your partner, don’t let them in if they turn up unannounced.  

Aranyani

I disagree that the OP should leave her home if they visit.  

Nobody who makes someone so uncomfortable that they can't stay in their own home, their safe space, should be allowed over the threshold.  The parents have a home where the OP's partner can go to visit them.  It also gives them no ammunition to criticise the house/cleanliness/DIY etc. 

Comms69

1 message "i'm sorry you did such a rubbish job being parents, that you're still raising your child 30 years on" - done. 

[Deleted User]

Comms69 said:

1 message "i'm sorry you did such a rubbish job being parents, that you're still raising your child 30 years on" - done. 

That did make me laugh out loud. 

GingerLs

Comms69 said:

1 message "i'm sorry you did such a rubbish job being parents, that you're still raising your child 30 years on" - done. 

😂😂 I wish, the last time I gave them a piece of my mind after the car situation they went absolutely crazy and told my partner he wasn't allowed to marry me and advised him to end the relationship, quite literally. That is how ridiculous they are.

74jax

GingerLs said:

Pollycat said:

It's not so much your in-laws that are the problem - it's your partner.

Have you discussed it with him? Does he know how miserable they are making you feel?

Until he starts supporting you and telling them to back off, things aren't going to change.

Do you think it's likely he's going to do that?

He had has told them to back off, they don't take kindly to it at all and it usually becomes really nasty with the 3 of them arguing. They end up not speaking for a few weeks then when the dust has settled they are friends again, act like nothing has happened and then start interfering at their next given opportunity. Its a repetitive vicious circle and I'm sick of it. 

I'm fully aware that my partner is playing a part in this too and I'm annoyed at him hence the arguments and it coming between us
us, but when I tell him how I feel he says that he has stuck up for me, and he will not, not have a relationship with his parents and says they aren't being as interfering as they once had been.

I have blocked all of their numbers, not spoke or seen them since August, surely I can't have a relationship with him and just pretend that they don't exist. 😣

So you haven't spoken to them or seen them since August, I'm not sure why it's an issue now then.  They can't be causing you hassle as they aren't in touch with you, I'm not sure why the exact problem is now - is something on your mind worrying you about it?  Has your partner seen them/been in touch?  
You say you can't have a relationship with your partner and not see them, but that's what you are doing now, and I can't see why it can't continue.  My husband never came with me to see my folks and I never went to see his, it wasn't really a big issue, we just did our own thing.  
I am guessing your partner has seen them, they have asked him for the 10k back and that's when the petty name calling happened?  When your partner told you what they said, did he explain what he then told them to stick up for you?  
Something much have happened in the last 5-6 weeks when you haven't had contact for it to be an issue now, and I'm wondering if it's more your partner than the in laws?

GingerLs

74jax said:

GingerLs said:

Pollycat said:

It's not so much your in-laws that are the problem - it's your partner.

Have you discussed it with him? Does he know how miserable they are making you feel?

Until he starts supporting you and telling them to back off, things aren't going to change.

Do you think it's likely he's going to do that?

He had has told them to back off, they don't take kindly to it at all and it usually becomes really nasty with the 3 of them arguing. They end up not speaking for a few weeks then when the dust has settled they are friends again, act like nothing has happened and then start interfering at their next given opportunity. Its a repetitive vicious circle and I'm sick of it. 

I'm fully aware that my partner is playing a part in this too and I'm annoyed at him hence the arguments and it coming between us
us, but when I tell him how I feel he says that he has stuck up for me, and he will not, not have a relationship with his parents and says they aren't being as interfering as they once had been.

I have blocked all of their numbers, not spoke or seen them since August, surely I can't have a relationship with him and just pretend that they don't exist. 😣

So you haven't spoken to them or seen them since August, I'm not sure why it's an issue now then.  They can't be causing you hassle as they aren't in touch with you, I'm not sure why the exact problem is now - is something on your mind worrying you about it?  Has your partner seen them/been in touch?  
You say you can't have a relationship with your partner and not see them, but that's what you are doing now, and I can't see why it can't continue.  My husband never came with me to see my folks and I never went to see his, it wasn't really a big issue, we just did our own thing.  
I am guessing your partner has seen them, they have asked him for the 10k back and that's when the petty name calling happened?  When your partner told you what they said, did he explain what he then told them to stick up for you?  
Something much have happened in the last 5-6 weeks when you haven't had contact for it to be an issue now, and I'm wondering if it's more your partner than the in laws?

My partner has remained in contact with them. Speaks to them occasionally and has been over to visit them once or twice since August. 
They said they wanted 10k back yesterday and obviously he had to tell me. 

Even when I don't speak to them they seem to have ways to get to me or affect my life and I'm started to worry that it's best to walk away, even though that's not what I really want.