I really hate my inlaws

GingerLs

As the title says, I really really really really cannot stand my partner's parents. 

I have been with my partner for over 7 years and I've always thought that his parents were a bit strange but put this down to the fact that we've had a totally different up bringing, me being brought up by a single non-strict parent and his family a little more 'traditional' shall we say. 

For the majority of our relationship I've managed to remain 'friendly' despite multiple occasions of really annoying, interfering behaviour from them. My very favourite is when my partner told them we were going to get a car on finance for us to share, they got all up in his face literally screaming saying that he wasn't allowed as I will break up with him, steal it and he'll be left in debt. He was 27 at the time and we'd been together for 6 years and living together by this point might I add. There have been various other ridiculous accusations but I could be here all day listing them. 

Now, the real fun and games began when we started to seriously look for a house to buy earlier this year. They insisted on coming to the first viewings with us, I soon stopped this as it was ridiculous and felt it should be my partner and I to view it first, alone. We compromised and said that they could go for a look around themselves should we like somewhere. Once we had found somewhere that we liked (and they approved of 🙄) they sat us down and said they would like to gift us 10k to go in the deposit, assured us it was a gift and did not have to be paid back. His dad then started phoning me up to 6 times a day (no exaggeratation) as early as 6:30am to discuss solicitors, surveys, mortgages which I entertained for for a little while but then asked my partner to have a word once his dad began ringing the solicitors and estate agents on my behalf despite the fact that I had things in hand and knew what I was doing (I'm not a first time buyer)

Anyway, I write this as they have now demanded the 10k back, hurled a load of abuse, done a lot of petty name calling towards me, as we are supposedly ungrateful and won't accept their help. Basically we won't do things their way or allow them to take control of everything.

My question is not about the money but is how on God's green earth am I going to cope with this? It's really coming between my relationship, he knows his parents are in the wrong but he loves them and I quite frankly wouldn't !!!!!! on them if they were on fire. All jokes a side, I genuinely feel depressed and my hair is falling out due to stress I presume. How am I meant to settle down and have a life with my partner if his parents are constantly making me miserable? 

MovingForwards

Your OH needs to cut the strings and learn to make decisions without discussing it with the parents. Until that happens, your relationship isn't going to change to how you want it to.

At least they have shown their colours over helping with the deposit, that wouldn't have been your home and they would always have had opinions about it.

Sit down with your OH, say what needs to change to become a relationship of two and not four, give it a while and save more yourself, if there's no change either put up with it or move on.

zagfles

For a start, give them their £10k back (if you haven't already) and don't accept any money from them for anything ever again. It's clear you won't "cut the strings" until you can show them you don't need them. Then they might start realising you're grown adults who can take care of themselves make their own decisions.

Aranyani

The issue will be your partner.  Its perfectly possible to have a good relationship and a future but it hinges entirely on whether your partner is willing to set appropriate boundaries with his helicopter parents.  

Do you think he is?

jdvhsully

I’m afraid that your partner needs to be standing up for you, which as he loves his parents is going to be a challenge.
He will need to speak to them and tell them that you are who he has chosen and if they cannot be kind and accepting then he will need to keep his distance. If they start shouting, interfering, and making comments then he needs to say something like “ I’m not happy with the way you are speaking to/about GingerLs, so we are going/ putting the phone down etc, and will wait until you have apologised and accepted that we are together”.
My worry is if you are having all this interference over buying a house, what will it be like if you have a child, as already you know they will think that you are not parenting correctly!

Flugelhorn

they are seeing it as their house all over again. harking back to when they started out etc. My parents were equally bad - lots of opinions and when i got my first house, they identified "their room" and were clearly planning to stay for longish breaks, it was handy sometimes but TBH I wanted to sort my house the way I wanted it. 

Pollycat

It's not so much your in-laws that are the problem - it's your partner.

Have you discussed it with him? Does he know how miserable they are making you feel?

Until he starts supporting you and telling them to back off, things aren't going to change.

Do you think it's likely he's going to do that?

GingerLs

Pollycat said:

It's not so much your in-laws that are the problem - it's your partner.

Have you discussed it with him? Does he know how miserable they are making you feel?

Until he starts supporting you and telling them to back off, things aren't going to change.

Do you think it's likely he's going to do that?

He had has told them to back off, they don't take kindly to it at all and it usually becomes really nasty with the 3 of them arguing. They end up not speaking for a few weeks then when the dust has settled they are friends again, act like nothing has happened and then start interfering at their next given opportunity. Its a repetitive vicious circle and I'm sick of it. 

I'm fully aware that my partner is playing a part in this too and I'm annoyed at him hence the arguments and it coming between us
us, but when I tell him how I feel he says that he has stuck up for me, and he will not, not have a relationship with his parents and says they aren't being as interfering as they once had been.

I have blocked all of their numbers, not spoke or seen them since August, surely I can't have a relationship with him and just pretend that they don't exist. 😣

kazwookie

When you  and your partner were gifted the £10K, did you not get a letter or something legal signed between all parties to say it was a gift for the house purchase and not repayable.

If so I would get the PIL to shove it. If not, then repay the money and tell your partner to grow a pair.!

And what ever you  / partner do, do NOT give them a key!

Aranyani

He can have a relationship with his parents, it would be wrong to ask him not to, but its also wrong for him to let them try and run your lives and be abusive to you.  

He needs to set boundaries.  He needs a very clear plan of how to respond in certain situations that are bound to come up, essentially he needs to train them how to behave if they want to see him regularly. 

First of all, you do not visit and they do not visit your home.  If their behaviour and attitude significantly improves, you can revisit this in say 5 years time.  

Your partner will visit them at their home, on his own.  Once a month is a sensible timetable.

If they do any of the following he will say 'mum and dad that is not an appropriate thing to say to me, let's change the subject because if you carry on with this one I will have to leave.' then if they do carry on he gets up calmly and leaves.  He can go back for the next visit as normal (waiting for an apology before returning is too big an expectation) but the same rules apply.  Same goes on the phone too.

• Criticise or badmouth you
• Ask about your finances
• Try to tell him what to do or criticise your joint decisions
• Any other trigger that is specific to your situation

Good luck getting him on board with this, but it does work, its essentially how my parents dealt with a set of unpleasant parents/in laws and they are still happily married after 40 years, 38 of which the MIL was still around! 

Pollycat

GingerLs said:

He had has told them to back off, they don't take kindly to it at all and it usually becomes really nasty with the 3 of them arguing. They end up not speaking for a few weeks then when the dust has settled they are friends again, act like nothing has happened and then start interfering at their next given opportunity. Its a repetitive vicious circle and I'm sick of it. 

I'm fully aware that my partner is playing a part in this too and I'm annoyed at him hence the arguments and it coming between us
us, but when I tell him how I feel he says that he has stuck up for me, and he will not, not have a relationship with his parents and says they aren't being as interfering as they once had been.

I have blocked all of their numbers, not spoke or seen them since August, surely I can't have a relationship with him and just pretend that they don't exist. 😣

Then he's not really supporting you. Is he?

Has he visited them since you stopped contact?

What do you think will happen when you've bought your house?

They'll be visiting. Of course they will. How will you handle that?

You say it's having an adverse effect on your health?

Are you prepared for this to go on for the next 20, 30, 40 years?

At what point do you sit down and decide if the relationship is worth it?