First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Day 103. Going to try to set aside time to see if I can work something out for my Mrs re spends. Don’t like her doing it and don’t like seeing her upset with herself. Think she can see it’s ridiculous some of the things she buys. Have said we perhaps need to keep each other accountable. She does for me every evening, told her I know that’s more to do with the fact I struggle with addiction but maybe she can get something from it idk. Going to speak to the pros about my anxiety over perhaps not knowing about every thing she buys, not sure whether it is a control thing or not def not worth getting into the kind of state I did last week and given another day I know I may have used it as an excuse to relapse no one’s fault but my own if I did I know so not trying to blame anyone but after getting this far I don’t want to be looking at another day 1. 

warby68

On the spends for wife, you do keep missing the point. If she overspends, other things including beauty appointments would need delaying NOT result in you giving her more. The point is for her to learn. Your way of bailing her out would achieve nothing. You only make certain mistakes once when you carry the consequences. 

On the holiday anxiety but one for the future, 10 day holidays are a good compromise. Avoids 2 full weeks away from business but is still a decent amount of time for short haul.

The MG - if its a family hobby, it could have its own pot.

alt80

@warby68 preventing me from becoming an old miser haha. Seriously I’m going to surprise my Mrs with a fragrance purchase I think, liked that suggestion. When I say surprise won’t be much of one I don’t have any access to personal money still. Got me thinking I do need to get to a point of having access but it’s trusting myself I won’t spend stupidly or relapse. Tbh I don’t think I will and I don’t think it’s being overconfident about it but idk still want to be safe.

alt80

@warby68 it’d be world war !!!!!! 3 here if I told her that but I know re consequences- took me more than one !!!!!! up but now my head is a bit more screwed on my judgement is definitely better. 

Do bail her out generally thought this morning she’s an adult half her problem having no consequences either me or her parents wrapping her in cotton wool. 

10 day break might work tbf I don’t like flying much or being away for long. I’m enjoying the weekend breaks and long weekend breaks. Idk lot going on with this break not just being away although that’s a major factor going to see my parents speak on the phone a lot but not seen them in years. Just want to run away from it for no good reason whatsoever. 

Don’t say that re MG fml I say that to my Mrs she’ll give me a massive list what she wants to buy for it. It’s fine as it is, don’t even own it and we need to actually pay for it first lol. 

getmore4less

The problem with the closed allowance spend on anything you want it only works if you don't come back for more.

In the early days maybe the open approach can work where you help each other with setting the list of things it should cover along with the appropriate amount
With with the analysis of the impact of spends it becomes more normal to consider spends more.
You have seen the impact as you have been monitoring the cashflow, with your primary goal RR balloon you have an incentive to be very careful.

The wife still needs help with her impulse spends on things that can wait and be thought about.


The goal with lists is to get away from serial independent(impulse) spends, to a prioritised  long list that gets thought about.

For any allowance it need the list of all the things it has to cover with an appropriate allowance set then choices can be made within that set as most of not all are discretionary spends.

The brush was an example of something that should have been put on the list and prioritized along with a proper search for best deal.

warby68

Thinking a bit more about your wife perhaps you could build up her allowance, start with a beauty,hair and coffee/lunch amount. When she gets the hang of that add in an amount for clothes. If you think she will see a lump sum and blow it even consider paying her weekly.

I'm really not sure how much of your reluctance is your wife's incompetence and how much is your need for control. She at least deserves the chance to try and be more personally responsible. She does show a lot of industry and effort in other things she's keen on. Nothing has to be set in stone for ever either

Bargainhunter30

Could you consider an approach similar to the bank accounts for teens, such as Gohenry. It's a similar approach to what you've been using with cash. Transfer an amount onto her spends card each week or even daily. Might be easier than a monthly allowance as she would only have to wait a few days for a rest. Should help her to budget her own money too and learn along the way. I link the moneydashboard app to my account and I allocate my own areas of spend and can log in and immediately see how much I've spent and how much is left in each area. She could try this for clothes, beauty, hair. Any big items can be put on her wishlist for presents. 

Iamouttheotherside

Have you considered putting your wife on a genuine wage?  She cleans your offices, I am correct? Why not get some quotes for contract cleaners and then pay her the equivalent?   She can top up her wage with her nails.  Give her a separate bank account with no direct debits coming out, let her login into her own banking and check her own spends.  This becomes "her money".   For all she does around your house, garden, office, she deserves her own money without question.  I know plenty of women who have housekeepers, nannys, gardeners the only thing they do is the school run and if they have been out for lunch that doesn't include pick up! Even though you are the main earner, your wife does contribute to your family and saves you money!   Still have your joint account together for "family spends", days out, Christmas etc.

purplelady99

Day 103 - what an achievement! Well done! Re the personal spends maybe the sooner the better as Christmas isn’t that far off so probably a good idea that your wife is ‘in training’ re sticking to a budget as soon as possible. Could you look at her spending over the last 12 months to get an average spend per month and negotiate a figure from there? Most of her spends seem to be on impulse purchases e.g buying duplicate eye shadow palettes, clothes for friends, hair brush e.t.c. So the agreed personal spends budget could be less than her current level of spending. Re you knowing what she’s spending her money on it does sound a bit controlling. However maybe it’s because you’ve earned the money you have more of an interest on what’s it been spent on - idk. Also have you discussed and agreed a budget for Christmas - an amount for your son and each other? It won’t be long now before all the adverts start! If I remember rightly your wife went out and spent a fortune on your son and then bought presents for herself after you’d agreed not to so maybe if you have the conversations early on it can get her used to the idea that there’s no need to spend ridiculous amounts at Christmas. 

Re the anxiety about going on holiday as you say you haven’t seen your parents for years face to face, you haven’t been abroad for a while or had two weeks away from work so probably lots of triggers there all rolled into one event. Maybe try not to over think it all and focus on what an amazing time your son will have. I’m sure you’ll have a fantastic time and come back wondering what on earth you’d been so worried about. 

enthusiasticsaver

If she keeps you accountable for spends then you should do the same for her.  I am not sure how much she charges for nails etc but surely she must realise that if she gets £25 for every nail client and pays out more than £100 for a hairbrush then that is 4 clients and all the work that entails.  You seem to be almost frightened of upsetting her and I guess that is what she counts on in the hope that her spending can carry on. I don't think it is realistic for her to spend nothing but I do think she needs to realise the value of things and not see £100 as something she can just throw away on virtually nothing. How about a few rules like she does not buy things for friends unless it is their birthday.  She seems very kind hearted and unfortunately people will often take advantage of that.  However it is easy to be generous when you have not earned the money in the first place.