First Steps to Solvency

getmore4less

On the work front is there a way for her to be under someone other than yourself so it feels more like a proper job.

Is there  part of the business that kind of runs itself where you have least involvement, maybe lettings?

alt80

Thanks all. 

@Legs21 just seems like I’m patronising her tbh. She reckons she doesn’t get why she can’t spend on x when she’s spent on y (budgeted for). She also bought a couple of things for son (agreed) for his birthday / Christmas yesterday so I don’t count as a ‘spend’ there ie it’s fully accounted for and she’s not (yet) gone over the allocated amount. More to it than that she’s !!!!!! angry we have to do this generally because I ‘don’t bring enough home’. No !!!!!! amount is enough when you’re spending like a !!!!!! madman all the time though. With a clear head I’ve got a different attitude - !!!!!! hate seeing it wasted on !!!!!! when could stay in business and be working for itself. 

@getmore4less She helps me when needed always has and she knows I’m grateful for that but won’t be consistent enough to trust with a proper job. My LM is a great girl but wouldn’t put up with my Mrs crying all the time having a !!!!!! meltdown at the first sign of having to put any real graft in. I love her to bits but I wouldn’t employ her under normal circumstances lol. 

SanguineGina

alt80 said

Re parenting I want nothing but the best for him always have yet I’ve spent the majority of his life using cocaine says it all really.

Massive congratulations for 10 weeks, alt, you have done and are doing so well with your continued recovery👏

(I love that every time I check into your diary, the days are going up - it's such a buzz to see your progress and know how great it must be for you to have gotten this far.  Have every faith that this time will be the one for you👍

You can't undo the past, alt, and yes to be brutal, on the face of it, using coke and being a dad is probably not the best scenario BUT please don't beat yourself up for the past; you are very self aware, so use that self awareness as inspiration to ensure that the dad you are for your son today and tomorrow and for the rest of your future,  is the dad you know is perfectly good enough and the best dad your son could have: you, coke free and doing all the great positive stuff that you do for and with your son.

If it were possible for you to replace yourself with another person who fits what you imagine would be the absolute best dad for your son, I guarantee you that your son would be devastated. 

You are the best dad for your son. Tell that to those thoughts that seem to be persisting on insisting otherwise.☺

And  there is nothing wrong with your wife being generous to her friends so long as it comes out of her personal spends allowance of course!  I do think her generous nature is being taken advantage of though and maybe she needs to learn how to resist a £70 sob story.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

Thanks all. 

@Legs21 just seems like I’m patronising her tbh. She reckons she doesn’t get why she can’t spend on x when she’s spent on y (budgeted for). She also bought a couple of things for son (agreed) for his birthday / Christmas yesterday so I don’t count as a ‘spend’ there ie it’s fully accounted for and she’s not (yet) gone over the allocated amount. More to it than that she’s !!!!!! angry we have to do this generally because I ‘don’t bring enough home’. No !!!!!! amount is enough when you’re spending like a !!!!!! madman all the time though. With a clear head I’ve got a different attitude - !!!!!! hate seeing it wasted on !!!!!! when could stay in business and be working for itself. 

@getmore4less She helps me when needed always has and she knows I’m grateful for that but won’t be consistent enough to trust with a proper job. My LM is a great girl but wouldn’t put up with my Mrs crying all the time having a !!!!!! meltdown at the first sign of having to put any real graft in. I love her to bits but I wouldn’t employ her under normal circumstances lol. 

If your wife isn't getting the concept of different funds and budgets written down on paper do a more visual thing for her.

Get some glass jars and tokens or pennies and put them in the jars with each token or penny representing a £1 or £5 whatever it doesn't really matter. Then start moving pennies/tokens between jars or taking them away when they are spent with the wasted/spent pennies being replaced from other jars/funds.

I do think that once she has seen something visually she will understand that her spending has consequences to other budgets and might well mean smaller Christmas budgets, less family days out, not eating out etc. 

alt80

@SanguineGina thank you- I hope I do stay off it for good wanted to for a long time on and off it def stopped being fun for me but I’m not going down the road of making promises I don’t know I can keep. Just keep plodding on one day at a time. 

I am working with the pros re son/ wife/ family relationships. My parents in law and mum and dad things are good with rest of family things aren’t good with. My thought processes are what they are just have to keep working on them it’s !!!!!! draining tbh when your mindset is ingrained trying to look at things in a different way is difficult no good for sleep. I didn’t think I was someone who should have ever have had a family in the first place my mind hasn’t changed about that but I am where I am and he doesn’t deserve me !!!!!! his life up because I am a !!!!!! and can’t keep away from the powder. 

@RelievedSheff iswyacf idk whether it is a genuine ‘don’t understand’ tbh I half think she is waiting for me to just say ok then I’ll make it happen start drawing additional money - not going to happen. She scrutinises every !!!!!! penny I spend every evening tells me all the !!!!!! time I’m not allowed money but still wants gifts and starts trying to get me to have my cards back the trap ha cant !!!!!! win. She knows I have some things I want to personally buy after the payback and RR fully paid for and she hates it. Told her to write some things she’d like down too I don’t mind but she’s just !!!!!! angry I’m not turning up with gifts but happy to plan (larger) spends further into the future. I don’t !!!!!! know what goes on in her head mate lol.

Sun_Addict

I don’t know how your wife’s friend could accept that £70 spend. Sounds like she sees her as a soft touch. A coffee yes but not £70. 

SanguineGina

alt80 said:

@SanguineGina .....My thought processes are what they are just have to keep working on them it’s !!!!!! draining tbh when your mindset is ingrained trying to look at things in a different way is difficult no good for sleep. I didn’t think I was someone who should have ever have had a family in the first place my mind hasn’t changed about that but I am where I am and he doesn’t deserve me !!!!!! his life up because I am a !!!!!! and can’t keep away from the powder. 

Yeah, I know that it's not the easiest thing to change ingrained stuff but it's great that you are working on that with the pros.

One thing, and I totally get that you aren't making any promises re the future and coke, but seeing as you don't intend to use it again, how about maybe starting to change the tense of some of the above in your thoughts:

"He didn't deserve me !!!!!! his life up because I was a !!!!!! and couldn't keep away from the powder"

Know it won't be easy as you carry on with the plodding and that it takes a lot of energy and effort to go through what you are going through, whilst living and maintaining a normal functioning life, so again bloody well done for so far!☺

stymied

Massive well done on the 10 weeks 🌟

It does sound like you may be over complicating the budget. I would go with we bring in x per month. X goes to repay our debt (inc RR balloon saving in this), x goes on bills (include a twelfth of annual expenses here obvs 😀), x goes on son’s school fees, x goes on housekeeping. We need x for our holiday to Greece plus any other definites. So we have x left per month for everything else. If we overspend one month then we have less next month and if we spend it all on clothes, makeup, Christmas presents and treating friends then we can’t have any days or meals out. Anything more complicated is for those of us who like spreadsheets. This is enough for a novice budgeter.

Purplelady65

Congratulations on day 70! It’s a massive achievement. It does seem as if your wife just can’t stop spending. This latest no spending for 2 months seems to have lasted a week again. It is unfair how she puts it all on you to earn more. As your job will involve working with figures then working with lots of numbers, spreadsheets etc will be second nature to you. A lot of people don’t like numbers and it sounds as if your wife is one of them. Relieved sheff’s idea of illustrating the budget with jars and tokens and stymied’s of breaking the budget down to monthly figures are really good ones. I think when you’re comfortable with numbers it’s difficult to understand when other people aren’t. 

Disney_Princess85

I definitely think your wife needs a separate account that's hers that has her money for spends in. That way she can't spend past her allocated amount. It's seems to me she is unwilling/unable to understand the amount of money you having going in/ going out. 

Maybe now is the time to try this, even if it's on a temporary 6 month basis. I can't seen her changing otherwise.