First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Day 52, not much planned today apart from cooking roast chicken. Need to have a look through the figures and hope the coming month works out better than the last for the wife spending. She only has the spends card, still £12k of damage can be done. I am still thinking about the limit on that rn idk. 

Kakiste

12k potential damage is a hell of a lot. I think you'd be very sensible to reduce the limit. 

alt80

@warby68 completely agree with you re work etc. thanks. You def get it in a way my wife doesn't, her problem is never really had a job, I don't think it's helpful but me whinging about that isn't going to change it been with her 13 years and she's not worked beyond helping out a bit or the odd set of nails in a good 11.

I am quite strict about staggering leave and tbh wouldn't be in the current mess rn if it wasn't leave + covid - one has tested positive and is doing little bits from home, he's not really even ill or so he reckons but obviously can't not isolate. Having a clear head has made me see where things can be improved - that's a bit of a drain on my time too. You have made me think maybe I should just stop trying to please my Mrs all the time idk I don't want her to leave me but I've been so !!!!!! paranoid about it for so long and trying to make up for being a !!!!!! husband with whatever the latest !!!!!! is she wants. It doesn't make up for my behaviour in the past I know that much. Told her this morning I just want a safe life right now, deal with the payback, keep away from the destructive stuff, few weekends away, enjoy our home and garden and eat some nice food. Plenty of walks maybe load the Range up and visit the countryside a bit more often. Just have a quiet simple life for a bit. Apparently I'm only saying that because I don't want to wind up bankrupting myself in years to come and by 'next week' I'll be back on the coke. Yeah I get why she's cynical about me staying off that !!!!!! for good but I'm doing my best.

@mark55man thanks mate.

@stymied thank you and already am.

@katsu I'm making some time for my son every evening and should still be able to have some of the weekends I planned. Things just been particularly mad this past week and looking similar this coming week. Thereafter, things should start to get a little easier tbf. 

@Kakiste it is mate. Having a look at things before I go to bed. She's already given up the other cards, just the spends one. I know I can put a limit on it - daily spends but she’d be !!!!!! angry if I did that ha. 

Willowtree222

Amazing achievement to get where you are.

id personally reduce the cards as 12k is a lot of damage but it’s your choice. It depends how much you trust what she is saying.

There’s a distinct lack of trust from both of you and I get why. There’s been let downs on both sides and false promises from both of you. I hope you find a solution that you both are accepting of and then find a way forward where you can rebuild the trust.

You’ve switched mindset again and seem to be drawing a line under the past a lot. The last post shows this especially about accepting that you can’t control what she does and doesn’t do. 

Work is a tough one. Finding the balance normally is hard but factoring in Covid, holidays and all the other stuff is going to mean times where people get let down. Perhaps come to a compromise if you can. 

Hope you enjoy the roast!

Legs21

alt80 said:

Day 52, not much planned today apart from cooking roast chicken. Need to have a look through the figures and hope the coming month works out better than the last for the wife spending. She only has the spends card, still £12k of damage can be done. I am still thinking about the limit on that rn idk. 

Work out how much you have to spend on this card every month and add a buffer of £500 (not £5k) and see how it goes. You can reduce the credit limit online instantly with most accounts. Do it now ready for your budget reset next month. 

dawnybabes

Yes you’ve made mistakes in the past but she needs to move on from this and not throw it at you every time she doesn’t get her own way.  If she can’t forgive and forget for both your sakes you need to look hard at where you are going.  

stymied

Why would your wife be angry about a daily spends limit? Just say it’s to protect you against yourself. If you *can* set it for both of you then it may be a good step back towards you having card access again.

How is your son coping with not having you around for the full day on Fridays (was it a promise you made to him or to your wife?) Does he understand that your employee testing positive meant plans had to change for a bit?

enthusiasticsaver

I think you are sounding really positive and you have done well to get to day 52.  I get why your wife may think she has heard it all before but her comments cannot be helping you.  A simple life will give you less stress and lower spending plays into that.  It is a change in lifestyle for you both but the previous pattern of you buying her stuff to apologise for your misdemeanors could not continue.  I think buying her stuff (except for birthdays and christmas) should be well off the agenda for now not only because it is not accounted for in your budget but it sends a shocking message both to her and your son.  

alt80

Day 52 through. Ate my roast chicken, another one cooked for salads and spent too much time half watching tv half looking for potential projects - very thin on the ground rn ha. Should have done my spends for the month and forecast next. I haven't. Started looking at it 30 mins ago but I've left it- it's too late now. Got my chamomile tea and going to get ready for bed. Managed an early night last night but slept for 9 hours idk must have needed it. Need to get what I can this evening and make sure I get up in the morning, hopefully go to bed early again tomorrow night. 

Still 3.5kg to bin off but back to the gym tomorrow after the weekend and being sensible about the food I'm eating. Tbh I want to enjoy food, I find it a pleasure to enjoy a nice meal so don't want it made into a chore completely.

@Willowtree222 thank you. You can set daily (I think could just be monthly) spending limits on the cards, going to have a look into that. As you say it's more potential damage than I'd like tbh. I do need to start to trust her though I know.

I am trying to leave the past behind. Learn from it but moving on towards a more sustainable future is what I need to work towards achieving.

Hoping I can reach a place of compromise with things over the next couple of weeks or so. I do want to spend some time with my son over this summer. He hasn't really had me around before so it's important to me to at least do some of the things I had planned with him. Mainly very low cost so I can do them whether my wife comes with me or not.

@Legs21 I need to think about it. Tbh she'd not be happy think I wasn't trusting her which tbh I'm not. 

@dawnybabes I've let her down too many times for her to trust me.

@stymied as she says I'm doing it for myself no one else (payback). I don't really want any access to money soon tbh I'm doing good without it.

My son is coping well. He's poss still on a high from centre parcs haha; he absolutely loved it there. I have made time for him everyday and didn't really specify the exact days I planned to spend with him. We going to try to keep doing something each day in the garden when the weather is ok and I do plan to spend some days with him too.

@enthusiasticsaver thank you. I just want to be able to stay on the right road and not be in a load of unnecessary debt in perpetuity. She doesn't like me not buying her things one bit though ha.

alt80

Day 53. Working day - can keep myself out of trouble ha or can in all likelihood. Budget reset day too so ought to do the figures at some point later, certainly over this week. Lot of negative thoughts re budget and my Mrs idk def felt I was letting her down this morning. She tells me she’s not spending for 2 months but looking at things she’d like to buy this morning with the usual jibes. Doesn’t help I had a terrible nights sleep - probably over slept through the weekend. Oh well plenty to get on with today.