First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

Your wife is the same age roughly as my daughters and they do not throw money around like your wife does to virtual strangers to presumably make herself feel good.  They earn their money though so as you say that is the difference.  It all comes too easy to her so she thinks nothing of throwing it away.  Maybe you both need to restrict access to money and allocate cash to both of you so you cannot go mad and buy inappropriate stuff and the same applies to your wife so she doesn't waste money on stuff for IG.  In the long run you will need to do this if you want to sort your finances out. 

Whilst I understand that concern for employees is good you cannot afford the mental energy worrying about their circumstances whilst you are battling your own demons. Make allowances for them to work flexibly if it works for your business but you need to learn to detach your own feelings from their situations.  It won't help them and it certainly wont help you. 

getmore4less

alt80 said:

@MovingForwards I hear you however I suppose I’m reassessing what I want from life tbh. Problem with my wife I think in some ways is she’s never really had a proper job or needed to earn a living and I’ve spoilt her in some ways really. 

@Grumpelstiltskin she has got a lot of friends she didn’t really speak to over lockdown apart from them recently wanting her to get back into IG - they miss her videos lol so she gets a lot of messages. That’s just how girls of that age communicate I think; they post the IG videos up of their new makeup palettes or whatever it is idk I can’t keep up and their mates message them. Apart from that I don’t think they really tend to speak to each other that much. Whilst I don’t love paying for it and have had a whinge I think it’s just what these girls do - buy stuff and make a video about it. They’re a different generation.

Seriously not what regular girls that age do.

Most I know are running a household and working even if part time to fit round kids.

These are real people living real lives not the fantasy that is IG, where people making money  feed off the gullable.

alt80

Day 33 through. England get through tomorrow and we're facing Italy for the final really think they've got their work cut out there. Need to beat Denmark first. Already !!!!!! anxious haha. Nice evening in watching the football. I have been doing a bit of work but sat on the sofa with my family. Son didn't stay up for this game will be tomorrow, it's bad really when he's got school but not everyday England get this far.

@RelievedSheff it's how they communicate mate, we're both a bit older. Out of touch haha though I can't imagine you spending your afternoon making a dance routine for that !!!!!! annoying best friend song lol she's forever 18 ha keeps me young fml.

@MovingForwards lot of what you say is right tbh mate. I'd love her to get serious about some kind of work not even about money really just give her a purpose iyswiacf. Chances are slim though ha. On the good side she's not going to spend enough to keep me on the perpetual payback.

@enthusiasticsaver are you back from hol or still there?

Your daughters sound a different breed to my wife from what you've said about them on here tbh I do have staff my wife's age and female who sound like they are more like your daughters but my Mrs is quite a young soul and most of her closest friends are 5-8 years younger. That's why she used to be big into the fillers/ botox etc it's something girls that age love. Actually think her getting closer to the women with kids at son's school would be better for her, most of them have got really quite decent careers, bit older and would probably make good mentors for her idk it's almost like they see her as a kid who can make a sandwich and entertain their kids or something. I can't say I like how some of them treat her - free babysitter in the hols essentially.

I'm still on the restricted access and plan to keep it that way. I have actually reduced her to just the everyday spends card too - only card she has on her and on her phone apart from current account. Restrict her further and she'll be upset it's punishment - we've had the conv. 

Yeah I worry about my staff a bit too much sometimes - feeling of responsibility ha. Spent a fair time with the pros today have to do a lot of evaluation etc and you realise how destructive some of your thought patterns are - what leads to self destructive behaviours. It's not easy can tell you that. 

alt80

@getmore4less she got big into IG about 4/5 years ago now tbh looking at it with a sober mindset I indulged it as much as I did  to keep her quiet. She was buying the most out of the group of girls more to do with circumstance there though but it's been almost relentless the amount of CT she bought is !!!!!! ridiculous, trips to anywhere the IG models were going we had to go for her photos and the !!!!!! constant Balmain army posts. 

Gone back to it now temporarily with Love Island being on - that's how they follow the contestants. Can't wait until it's done and she's back off it tbh ha. 

rugbymadfamily

First up, great work on reaching the first target and I agree about breaking the next ones down. Your posts in general are really much better balanced and am so pleased for your progress.

Im your wife's age and my friends range from 19 and up, they also keep me young through nights out (pre lockdown!) and fitness and general fun. But our comms aren't just through Instagram and they don't use me for money. I'm older and more established in my career so I might buy a bottle of prosecco or round of shots to start the night off, but thats £10-£20 not £200. But, if she is reining the spending in, its probably not worth getting to caught up on it at the moment. Something to tackle when you're feeling stronger again.

I think the idea of putting a number of hours worked against something is a good one! We do that in our house, my husband was previously very much a spender and it was one of the ways I helped him see how muchoney he was wasting. Now he jokes about how its a whole day of his money but only 2 hours of mine lol.

enthusiasticsaver

We are back from our hols now thanks @alt80 and I guess I would say to you what I say to my daughter when she is dealing with her 5 and 3 year old.  Pick your battles with your wife.  At the moment you are focusing on getting well and keeping from spending.  This virtual reality !!! really does mess with peoples heads.  Never seen Love Island or intend to and thankfully none of my family or friends do either even the 20 odd year olds.  It gives them a false sense of reality which can leave people dissatisfied with their real lives although not having seen it except for trailers I probably should not comment. Unless she is spending hundreds of pounds which will interfere with the debt payback plan it should not be top priority.  I agree that she seems a bit directionless and does not have any focus and in the long run that will not be good for her and her happiness especially as she gets older. If she is good with children/teenagers why doesn't she get involved in youth clubs or take on some sort of teaching assistant role? 

alt80

Day 34. Big match tonight. Won't be a no spend day - getting a few beers in for the match. Wife making a curry only Danish food will be a pastry snack. Son reckons England are going to smash it 5-0 this time haha. Need to get through the work day first started early this morning, break for gym and got back to it. Trying to get to the point I can have an early finish, pick son up from school.

@rugbymadfamily thanks. Next target is 45 days not doing anything big for that though ha just a little reward.

People are different its possibly just her set of friends idk.

Yeah don't think my wife would think that kind of joke as funny tbh ha.

@enthusiasticsaver I'm not setting out to argue with her tbh just annoyed me with the spends yesterday - meant to be on 2 months no spends (she actually came up with that not me). Anyway it's not massive and doesn't really affect anything this time. Thing is one time leads to the next etc etc

She did seriously look into doing kids sports coaching as a volunteer but decided not to pursue it. I can't pretend to understand it ha.

Grumpelstiltskin

Just looking at this on the BBC.
Rebekah Vardy gets partial win in Coleen Rooney libel battle - BBC News

Surely your wife doesn't have ambitions to look like either of these two?

They would put me off anything like Instagram.

rugbymadfamily

Its a running joke that my husband likes to say he is a kept man as I earn more. In reality, he works full time and far harder than I do, but he is a teacher and I'm in finance so our pay reflects that. 

As you said, not worth raking over purchases that aren't going to de-rail the pay back. Pick your battles and save your energy for it.

Hope you have some nice plans to watch the football with your son tonight? I knownits late on a school night but I have great vivid childhood memories of staying up late on a school night and watch Euro 96 with fun snacks and family time as a child....even though we were definitely a rugby not football house!!

getmore4less

File the spends against her allowance for the year, less in  her pocket money pot going forward.

Next review it's what it is, see if she notices or moans  

That's what the annuals are for to allow for variable months all part of the learning.