First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry you weren't well yesterday and hope the sleep gets better soon. I can't help but think your wife is pushing your buttons deliberately so well done for resisting that.

You know that a large part of the debt and presumably a lot of the stuff you sold last year were the bags etc you bought your wife to compensate for taking drugs. As you say £1750 is actually a whole months pay to some people or in many cases considerably more. Your wife earns nothing so her time is free and should be spent doing some sort of paid work whether it be selling stuff, doing nails or personal training or whatever so she can learn the value of money and how hard most of us have to work to get it. This is something her parents should have taught her and in normal circumstances she would have learned in her first jobs or managing a restricted budget when starting out in life. Instead she seems to be spending her time surfing the Internet looking for stuff she wants you to buy her as she has been protected from the early life lessons of managing money. As for the flirty messages you are a saint to put up with that but again she might be doing it to push your buttons. She is exhibiting manipulative behaviour which presumably has helped her get things she wanted in the past. The tears are also part of this pattern. Well done for staying strong in the face of that. 

I think you and her parents should persist in getting her some counselling as this consumerism is damaging to her as a person, to your son as in she is setting a bad example and you don't want him following the same path and to you in the stress she is causing you in trying to get your finances sorted whilst demeaning you in saying you are not a good provider when in fact you are in the top percentile earnings wise.  She may be a good mum in some ways but she is not a good example to your son as to how to lead a happy, healthy and solvent life as a hardworking adult. Counselling may help her discover her self worth and confidence in herself and examine why she needs to build up an entirely false perspective of herself on social media to feel good about herself. Dressing up as a successful businesswoman, photos of herself holding bags or wearing clothes and make up she cannot afford is a bit sad really. 

Your eyes have been opened as to the way you say you have lived your life to date and are struggling to be happier and she needs to do the same. Counselling is for people who are struggling with all sorts of addictions, hers is social media and consumerism and low self confidence. 

Kakiste

Have been reading your diary for a while and I think your personal budgets for your wife are incredibly generous. 
I budget myself £25 a month for personal spends; anything I want for clothing/makeup/books etc has to come out of that. If I want something that costs more than £25 then I have to roll over my budget to the next month to afford it.... And I'm the high earner in my family- our household income is £3200 p/m and once the debts are cleared I'll consider us well off. 

The idea of having hundreds to spend on myself every month and that being 'unfair' seems bonkers. 

Re- the IG stuff. I know its been recommended before but I highly suggest getting her to watch "The social dilema" on netflix. They break down in detail how social media is designed to addict you and keep you reeled in. As soon as i watched it I turned off my notifications for everything. I've found i'm using my phone a hell of a lot less, because i'm now fully aware of how businesses are making money off keeping me scrolling even though its not good for me. Knowing you're being puppeteered makes you much less enamoured with social media. 

ladyholly

I think you have said you dont have netflix but there are bits about it on you tube which might be worth watching. I just watch one of them.

On a similar theme I was talking to my daughter yesterday and she has deleted a certain well known auction site from her phone because she said she was sitting scrolling through and just kept buying from it without really thinking. She has not closed her accountand can still access it but now has to make an effort to go on the computer and log on properly and she doesnt get notifications there. It might be worth thinking about for your wife.

theoretica

I wonder if your wife is also simply missing presents from you - not just what they were and that they were expensive.  Do you think she would appreciate chocolates or other random small gifts now and then to show it is only the cost that has changed and not your thinking about her?

alt80

Mrs had a nice Mother’s Day, tried to make it as good as I could for her. Apparently not been so bad being married to a ‘debt ridden pauper’ today. I’ve not really done it properly before, used to throw some money at it and hide for the day. Son has loved it helped me with breakfast, cake baking, lunch and dinner. He was whacked after dinner and asleep at 7.45pm def takes after my wife there ha.

Glad I’ve kept myself busy today, all the demons been out for me ha could have very easily spent obscene amounts of money, caught myself in time. Had ten minutes updating my spends instead. First time in quite a while I’ve felt like spending. Had massive cravings for the stuff this morning too baking the cake with son, laughed at myself later when I realised why tbh. Managed to deal with it but a reminder when lockdown is over it’s not going to be easy to avoid a lot of craving triggers idk some days wonder if I’m ever going to be over it. I didn’t do the quantities some do and thankful for that tbf but turning to it in the way I did ultimately was never going to be good for me. Kept off the booze today. Going forwards need to plan when I’m having a drink. Mate still trying to pressurise me into a night out post lockdown, told him I’m sorry but I just can’t risk it right now. I’ll add let down to being a debt ridden pauper no winning for me lol.

@RelievedSheff Bit of an overthinker always have been the reckless spending over the years somewhat been a release from everything else going on in my head now I analyse the spending to the nth degree too and no chang half wonder if I do need some release going forwards, just hope not.

Think she did appreciate it tbh. Don’t know about the budget she’s not had the confidence to pull the trigger on anything tbf but everyday I wonder if I’m coming home to a massive bill to sort out ha. 

@getmore4less yeah think we’re just going to have to pull the trigger mate soon. Parents not going to be impressed if I leave it until last minute and we can’t go also son is very excited to be visiting so can’t really let them down. 

Def want a direct flight tbh it’s enough of a ballache to get there never mind a flight change. Agree re convenience against the £. 

Wife was thinking 4 nights Santorini in total, 2 at the start, 2 at the end she’s worked it out well and I’m up for that tbh. Travel days I find really stressful at the best of times and don’t really love flying either but it is what it is I’m not driving there ha.

I’m not so confident she wouldn’t cheat now but yeah in the past all show 100%. 

Not so bad for selling stuff on - wife doesn’t love clutter either so never had a hoarders paradise house fortunately but still a fair bit of stuff. Couldn’t cope with having rooms full of crap in my house mate.

We live about 20 miles from the shop, been before and bought seconds actually ha but some are really awful - have to pick through.

Planned weekends are def helping to keep me out of trouble but do need to balance the work. I can’t do the same as I used to do full day fee earning, evening on the business, nights on the admin side. I’m just whacked every night and idk why. 

Re diminishing returns, I tend to do the initial look and tell the wife what she needs to do, set it up and let her get on so it doesn’t take up that much of my time, find something it takes up my evenings though then can’t sleep head full of numbers. 

Ha wife would laugh in my face if I told her we’re in a very good place mate but thanks.

@warby68 Ha used Tesco points for it too not recently - don’t shop in Tesco used to have a Tesco credit card which accumulated points.

She’s got a fair bit of high end fashion that’s still worth a good amount of £ but generally I agree. Buy decent quality stuff myself but not the Balmain/ D&G/ YSL type stuff not !!!!!! close ha. Lot of my clothes owned for years lol.

Agreed re bargain hunting - actually a bit of a buzz to be getting good value always had it in business/ property generally but never really considered it porting over.

Glad to hear you had your sons with you for Mother’s Day and hope not too much gin was consumed ha.

@enthusiasticsaver thank you.

I would love her to get the counselling and to participate in what I’ve asked her to but she won’t right now idk.

@Kakiste / @ladyholly I can’t get away with £25/m for my wife ha she’d be out the door tomorrow. 

She was meant to be off social media for this month and does have filleting ‘taking for a mug’ type feeling about it but they don’t last.

@theoretica I buy her a small present and it turns into a slight about why it wasn’t something bigger so nice idea but idk not sure that’s an answer ha but thanks.

Onebrokelady

Another Denby fan  here,can't afford to buy it though so I just admire it from afar 😀

alt80

@Onebrokelady I’d say it’s worth it tbh could be just that I’m clumsy but it does last well imo.

Another note noticed my ipad making me look illiterate. 😆 CBA to go right through the post either ridiculously tired this evening work day tomorrow too. 

katsu

We like Denby too.  Good quality but I still manage to chip and break it sometimes as I'm not careful enough with it. We tend to buy seconds as if you look through the lot you'll find very good ones (some are terribly painted mind )

I doubt she'll cheat @alt80. She does seem to genuinely care for you and to enjoy living with you and your son. When we all know she wants a comfortable life, cheating only risks making her life worse so why would she?   You've trusted her so far, so stick with that. 

getmore4less

20 miles to the shop if it is open even just for click and collect  that's essential travel for a 1/2 day out.
(says all shut, maybe in a month, I see they have a butchers excuse to get a decent steak)

We have Denby as well, just not into full sets,  some been here so long can't remember where it came from, sure we had more before, surprised more has not turned up from the charity shop, but I see there are discontinued outlets that maybe get it all these days.
 
The dinner plates(part of the daily use rotation of around 12 plates)  are discontinued so long ago even Denby don't list them 
Found a handy identifier  
2 Calm (2001-2005) 
2 Studio (1963-1974)  this might have been my parents stuff I like these they have a proper rim for sloppy  food  and sauces.
Those two Studio are older than you @Alt80 ,  the way you were going might have lasted longer as well.

I think the 2+2 on Santorini is a good plan, can then pick any ferry times 
if your window is 15th to 31st (don't forget you need bags) and you are getting a ride to the airport you can use different airports each way looking like the bags and flight back are pushing up the total



Have a good week 

enthusiasticsaver

Your holiday plans sound good. I would love to do Santorini and I agree biting the bullet and booking flights before everything opens up and prices go sky high is a good idea. October may not be as popular but you never know with this pandemic and people delaying holidays. Slightly cooler than in the summer which I prefer. 

Good that your wife appreciated the effort you made yesterday. Hope you manage to keep cravings at bay.