First Steps to Solvency

stymied

I’m not sure how we went from nails income covers hair and beauty with excess covering £2000 pa holiday budget to I don’t fancy doing that any more so I’m not going to. Sadly the obvious places to cut do look to be monthly food and entertainment plus keeping a track of what’s left in the annual pots. Is regular Starbucks really that important to you all or could you ‘bank’ every skipped Starbucks towards a family day out? Savings on the housekeeping could go towards meals out? So cut the categories but in a bit of a sneaky, if we do better we can then have treats way?

& massive congrats on the 24 days!

BalanceBy50

Just delurking to say I think your Valentine's day sounds perfect! We don't celebrate as DH doesn't believe in it - he says he loves me every day of the year and would rather show it by defrosting my car windscreen for me before he leaves for work. However we are having lamb on Sunday as a rare great - too expensive normally & I have bought him some white chocolate snickers, a jar of crunchie chocolate spread & a CD (we are not good with new technology 😂) for a band we are off to see later in the year. He will love these & will appreciate the thought! The only cards we get are the one the boys make at school

I think if you stick to your promise & the new lifestyle your wife will come round! My boys are similar ages to your son & all they want to do is go to the local park & play football with their daddy on a weekend & arch or on tv with him & they are real mommy's boys too  

Good luck you have come so far in such a short space of time xx

ladyholly

We have been married for for 47 years later this month and I would love someone to cook me a meal. In that time I think my husband has cooked one meal for me, because of his mental health we dont eat out and the only time we have takeaway when I go to see my brother in law when I leave home at 7am and get back about 7pm. I can even manage without the flowers.

You finacial problems are not just you. She has enjoyed the lifestyle now is the time you both have to pay for  it. She is not a child and whatever has gone on in the past is irrelevant. I know you are struggling with sleep and arguments are exhausting but I really think the time has come for a pre paid card for her and when its gone thats it. I suggested giving you son a set amount for outing spends and if she is going to behave like a child then treat her as a child. Ignore the tantrums and crying it is time for you both to become partners or things are not going to work and she will put you into more debt. If its any comfort it took me many years to stop my husband spending as he wanted so I know how difficult it is. Have you thought of talking to your FiL when you can do it privately and see what he says as he seems to have a lot of influence over her.

ladyholly

Just read on another diary that your wife wont do food shopping except on line, now she wont go back to doing nails so can I ask what does she do? Most women mange to bring up children, cook, shop, clean and work. Not trying to be rude but I am curious. I know you said she exercises a lot but what else?

RelievedSheff

ladyholly said:

Just read on another diary that your wife wont do food shopping except on line, now she wont go back to doing nails so can I ask what does she do? Most women mange to bring up children, cook, shop, clean and work. Not trying to be rude but I am curious. I know you said she exercises a lot but what else?

Throw tantrums, pout and get stroppy by the sound of it.

Onebrokelady

Sadly I think you are wasting your time trying to sort the debt out because she can't accept her role in you both being in debt, unless she has a complete attitude change you are going to have a big problem sorting this out. I would have chucked her out by now, try seeing how she gets on having to fend for herself with no job 

alt80

@stymied lockdown. Just prior to it she’d binned a couple found it too much to cope. Now she’s had lockdown again really isn’t sure about doing it again. Her decision ultimately tbh think it was good for her not just for finances but not my place to say. I’ve been having a think re food/ other spends to cut. Tbh I’m thinking I’ll probably cut my clothes/ misc spends and occasions entirely or from £1500 to £500 - would rather pay it off the debt tbh. Didn’t receive any birthday/ Christmas gifts last year and ok with that.

Yeah do have a fair bit of Starbucks/ Costa tbh if we’re going on these long walks will grab a coffee on the way back home so can’t see it being cut. I have sat and worked out from spends budget for unexpensed coffee is £75/m - currently included in food. Tbf not far off the family days out budget if we didn’t bother with the coffee. Realistically not going to happen though. Family days out worked out from a rough estimate of 10x£100/d which seems fair? Idk as I’ve said before I didn’t used to do them. 

Thank you re 24 days. Bit anxious about having a drink tbh don’t want it leading on. Know it won’t rationally, just a bit anxious.

@BalanceBy50 Thank you. Ha it’d be carnage if I told wife no valentines haha. Lamb sounds nice. Not something we have regularly either, wife doesn’t love it. Did not even know white chocolate snickers were a thing learn something everyday haha quite fancy trying one now lol but CD FML can’t remember the last time I bought one of those - Apple Music is the future mate. 

I actually haven’t promised I’m staying off it, done that too many times and just need to take each day at a time. Didn’t really need the pressure over it tbh but I am serious about carrying on with the help with the intention of not doing it again. Yeah like your boys, doesn’t take a lot to please my son really. 

@ladyholly I quite enjoy cooking. Don’t do it enough really. Amazing to have a meal that’s not analysed to the nth degree re calories/ macros etc. To the extent we have that it kind of takes some of the enjoyment out of food for me and whilst I’m not a massive eater I am a bit of a foodie.

I definitely don’t want to argue. Wife is right what’s mine is hers etc can’t say here have housekeeping and an allowance and that be it. She does a lot in and around the house/ cars/ cleans my comm office and vast majority of cooking so doesn’t just spend all day everyday exercising. She won’t do food shopping because she finds the supermarket stressful - finds the pace too much and gets some sort of social anxiety hard to explain as she’s ok in the city centre etc it’s just supermarkets fine with other shops etc idk why and don’t think she does tbf but always struggled with it. 

@RelievedSheff/ @Onebrokelady She accepts the need for us to rein it in and I’ve managed to get her to agree to the amounts. Tbf she doesn’t mind if I cut stuff so long as not her hair/ beauty/ clothes etc further. 

theoretica

At present, I suspect she is doing a lot with home schooling and child care - so she is doing more now than previously and missing her parents.  Once a bit of normality has returned, rather than succumbing to rampant spending temptation she may feel more robust to deal with spending.  And I think she has a very good point that the budget needs to be realistic, and needs to have pots for each family member.

alt80

@theoretica she is, yes and definitely missing her parents, speaks to them everyday but not the same. I’ve not been good to her in years past not something I’m proud of and recognise I need to acknowledge she contributes a lot to the household. I’m ok with the amounts we’ve agreed yeah I’d like less being spent on the beauty/ clothes etc tbt but it is what it is, not just my life and manageable sticking with it. 

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@theoretica she is, yes and definitely missing her parents, speaks to them everyday but not the same. I’ve not been good to her in years past not something I’m proud of and recognise I need to acknowledge she contributes a lot to the household. I’m ok with the amounts we’ve agreed yeah I’d like less being spent on the beauty/ clothes etc tbt but it is what it is, not just my life and manageable sticking with it. 

However much money you throw at her you can not change what has happened in the past. Let that go.

I agree that you need to have budgets that are manageable but in doing that you both need to make sacrifices. At the minute it seems very one sided and any talk of cutting her budget further leads to tantrums.

You can not do this debt free journey on your own. You both need to be on the same side.