First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

I have said before I think you both have an addictive obsessive gene in you. Both connected to image and how you are portrayed which may explain the initial attraction between you. You both struggle individually with your own obsessions. Hers with food, make up IG etc and you with property and cars. Both of you have a spending addiction. That makes life harder for both of you because you don't seem to be able to just kick back and relax. When you go on holiday what do you do then? 

Willowtree222

I've taught worse Alt. Taught sex.ed.to a bunch of 14-16 year olds. Male and female. That was fun! We did the how to put a condom on but it was a black plastic thing as oppose to a banana. It's good to show the students though as they really need to know these things.

Perhaps you could develop recipies or cook together then without going into the details of the nurtrients and things if you don't like that. 

Great how low that card is! It'll be gone soon and that's another thing cleared. 

RelievedSheff

I think the wife would be over the moon if you arranged a date nigh @Alt80.

warby68

At least you can see some of your behaviours for what they are now @alt80
Wife seems conciliatory too.
Hope things picks up overall.

The cars stuff - you are probably just as boring as your wife in your own way lol. ES summed it up well as to how it appears on here. You both have very similar personality traits but unfortunately they seem to be the harder work ones and as they come out in different forms of extreme behaviour you're clashing. Neither of you seems to do compromise or balance well. You'd work 24/7 if you could, she doesn't want to lift a finger etc etc.

I'm not sure on only having one car. That has a little of the 'punishment' about it towards your wife. Is it really that you want every (future) penny towards the cars of your choice rather than replace the BMW with something cheaper for her? Be honest At your income level, its probably the norm to have a car each so again it does seem a bit 'off' to say no car at all for her.

I do however get the frustration with her refusal to work. Personally I think its unfair to place all the burden of anything on one of the partners, especially when that partner is unhappy with it. Its ok if its mutually agreed, and I think it probably was for a good while with you two, but now is a different story. I've always worked, expected to work, had to work , and wanted to tbh. I like independence at the same time as being in a marriage/family. I like having a professional me as well as mum/wife etc. I have 2 degrees and a brain - housework and preening wouldn't have worked for me. Bored to death more like. Probably the comfort that I could survive alone if I had to as well. My dad died quite young, my mum always had a part time job in decades when it was less common - if she hadn't I think she would have been lost in many ways when he died at 55. He encouraged her to, also pushed her to learn to drive, perhaps he had some foresight. Never been comfortable with the idea of both parties not putting equal effort in either - not the same effort, but equal and this clearly is not the case with you two. She has it very easy compared to you. Your contributions are unequal. Fundemantally I think everyone is responsible for themselves first of all and you shouldn't make someone else 100% responsible for either your upkeep or your happiness. Teamwork is fine, and probably be the best, but not when its so one-sided. I am really curious what she gives as her actual reason for not working, apart from the crying and threatening to leave - she must know its relatively unusual these days and she's actually trained in 2 directions that are work related. One school age child and a home is not a full time job, your wife actually makes that obvious and in any case, it was obvious way before children and the nice house that she didn't want to

Bit of a ramble there sorry - I'd love you two to make it as there is such a good life beckoning if you can both find your balance a bit better. I can't help thinking its going to be an uphill struggle but worth at least a decent try, especially as you have a family. The sooner you can have some real and calm talks about your life together and the future the better.

For now, reasonable limits on all categories of spend, agreed in advance and she sticks to them.

alt80

Mentioned to my counsellor how I’ve been feeling about my wife. Talked about it at length realised I’m trying to drive her away don’t feel I should be married with a kid ultimately. Think the substance use is a problem not using all the time and not like I’m some full blown drug addict but last time I went a full month away from it was last June. Become the most arrogant !!!!!! in the world on it but in my head it makes me feel I’m someone. Successful in business or something idk that’s all I’ve ever wanted read the articles about the guys who really have made it wishing I’ll get there every time and feeling inadequate that I’m not. Wife wanting stuff and me trying to pay the debts off just sets me off. People on here saying about balance and maybe taking longer to pay the debts down. I can’t now I’ve seen it for what it is they need to go so I can get to where I need to be. I’m ashamed I’ve wasted so much money would have more units and more income had I not. Would have a fun car and the next level of house. Wife doesn’t see it. She thinks we’ve got a nice house why do we need a bigger one, I’ve got a brand new RR what more could I want, why do I need an AM, why do I work so much when I could take income without doing much etc. Got her own vices lol but doesn’t see I want to make it not going to keep buying depreciating stuff and getting into debt for it.

I can’t buy a unit everyday that gives me a massive hit in a good way not a drug type way. Get a little hit from every time a new job comes into main business too. I just remember the good about using but not the bad when I really want it and know it has more potential to destroy my life than all the rest combined. I’ve valued places that are little more than crack dens seen the real addicts in person ones that don’t get the main hit from business. !!!!!! awful. 100 I’m not like that never smoked it or anything no interest in smack either but FML makes me realise what I’m mixing with from time to time when I’m not quite getting enough from the good highs. Truly hate myself for ever having touched it. Used to just be a bit of fun at the weekends with a drink when I wasn’t 40 with a wife and kid. Tbh if that’s all it was still I wouldn’t be wanting to quit altogether and was actually doing it more then, I just don’t like my reasons now.

Spending wise it’s weird right now. Take as much debt as I can get if it’s an income producing or appreciating asset. 100% I’d take nine figures worth of it or more if I could. Become a miser for other stuff though. Have some days I don’t even have lunch think I’ve had to earn that in some way and don’t want it being spent on something that’s not either appreciating or producing an income. Don’t need to be told that’s madness haha. That’s why the wife annoys me, if she picked wisely looks after it and 100 should get more than interest back I’m all for it, hit me up credit or not. Just hate her wasting money seen that for what it is. 

Not a !!!!!! chance I’d admit any of this in the real world outside of the counselling just a brain dump really - helps sometimes lol. Massive issues with my mindset I know.

getmore4less

RelievedSheff said:

I think the wife would be over the moon if you arranged a date nigh @Alt80.

Not sure Alt80 understands what a date night is for.

FootyFanDan

Hey Mate, just catching up on the last few days of posts. Its difficult as we get your thoughts a-lot and maybe don't get an idea of how your wife thinks, I would imagine she would be saying the same re the conversations like why does it have to be about cars/property so she probably has a similar opinion to you that the conversation is boring lol. 

Me and partner have been together 12 years and the last year really took its toll on us in terms of lockdowns/homeschool/working. We just got to a stage where we had forgotten that we needed to take care of us to and we just were on totally different paths. Ultimately it was taking the time to have these ' date nights'  and lots of talking to realise there was no way we could be apart but we had just let the everyday life stuff take over and stopped communicating . Maybe your wife enjoyed the times with you as a family and wants to create more of that...i know it not really how you think but she might be trying to reach out. I do get your why you would feel resentful that your wife as no desire or intentions to go out and earn and tbh I have been there. I think the difference is my partner would love to be back out working but unfortunately my shifts and the current situation just hasn't allowed us to do that yet. We had agreed that I would work in the early years of the little one growing up and partner would go back to work, she had a bad fall which affected this plan. Again the difference is that I don't have to convince her to go out and work she is desperate to do so but due to how I have had to work its tough. Is there not any way at all she is prepared to train to do something that she could enjoy and earn from. I agree with others it should be an equal commitment in what ever way you both determine. While my partner doesn't work at the moment she takes care of all the home stuff that i just don't have time around my hours - this will be change once lock down ends and my hours at work change

Re the talking to councillor is this helping at all? The lack of sleep seems to coincide with the crappy feelings/thoughts you some how need to try crack this pattern, how is the not drinking lots affecting you? I know a few who haven't particular done dry January but have cut down a lot and they say they feel alot better for it. 

theoretica

While I strongly agree that your wife sounds like she would benefit from having new activities, earnings and commitments at the moment she is presumably managing all the home schooling - and I don't think Alt sounds keen on making time to take a decent proportion of this on (though maybe it would be good for both him and son).  So yes, for the longer term, but now really isn't the time for it.  However, perhaps talking regularly about the home schooling and being very positive about how well and how much she is doing could bolster her confidence and inclination to do something in future - ideally paid.  Oh, and if she does take on a job, how prepared are you for holiday child arrangements - term time only jobs are relatively scarce and very sought after.

alt80

Re wife don’t think anyone really gets it tbh. Didn’t used to bother me then I realised even if she earned £1k/m that’s £12k/y net I can keep retained. Bin the school likewise. Cards gone that’s another £1k/m and Range Rover paid for likewise. £4K/m net there. Could be buying a unit every six months easily. Not counting for anything but not spending money on stupid stuff either. 100 realise this was the key to next level and I’ve been an idiot. Never could do it before because I couldn’t live to a budget. I’ve proven I can now. Do the right stuff and maybe I won’t be a jumped up estate agent on the never never anymore hahaha. Worth the try IMO.

Honestly She buys stuff that’s generally appreciating or income producing hit me up 100% told her this. At the moment she’s just sabotaging progress. 

@getmore4less haha my mind is on other stuff right now mate.

RelievedSheff

Keep at it and you will get that extra cash per month before you know it. The cards won't take long with the progress you have been making.