First Steps to Solvency

mamamu

But it is about you Alt80, your ambitions, your ego. More expensive house is not about your family, it is all about you - and your wife knows it and that why she is angry at you.

if you want to do what is best for your family ask you wife what she wants too. She is your partner, not one of your toys which you can drag from one house to the other, from one debt cycle  to another.  

She is cleaning house and your cars, she is looking after your son and you. She is doing great and sticks with you while clearing debt you got family in. She deserves to be asked what she wants too and make decisions for her and her son’s future. To me, from what you tell us, is becoming clear that she will make these decisions anyway, she will not go in to more debt with you. 

enthusiasticsaver

Some of the things your Dad has said and done goes some way to explaining why you are the type of person who seems to value money and status over everything else.  It may have given you drive but it seems to have given you a sense of never being good enough.  Have you discussed this with your sister who seems to have risen above all the quite frankly dreadful advice from your Dad  you grew up with? How do you think your mum felt losing her home when he gambled it away or did not attend her childrens' weddings or visit her grandchildren?  My jaw literally dropped open when you said he would come to a house warming for a house worth more than £1m but not to either of yours or your sisters weddings or to see their grandchildren.  Does your mum not get a say in any of this? 

Do you have any goals which are not money or possession related? 

ryanm8655

enthusiasticsaver said:

Some of the things your Dad has said and done goes some way to explaining why you are the type of person who seems to value money and status over everything else.  It may have given you drive but it seems to have given you a sense of never being good enough.  Have you discussed this with your sister who seems to have risen above all the quite frankly dreadful advice from your Dad  you grew up with? How do you think your mum felt losing her home when he gambled it away or did not attend her childrens' weddings or visit her grandchildren?  My jaw literally dropped open when you said he would come to a house warming for a house worth more than £1m but not to either of yours or your sisters weddings or to see their grandchildren.  Does your mum not get a say in any of this? 

Do you have any goals which are not money or possession related? 

I missed that, that’s really sad if he did say that and explains exactly why you’re chasing that 7 figure house. Some subconscious hope you’ll feel valued...

mamamu

ryanm8655 said:

enthusiasticsaver said:

Some of the things your Dad has said and done goes some way to explaining why you are the type of person who seems to value money and status over everything else.  It may have given you drive but it seems to have given you a sense of never being good enough.  Have you discussed this with your sister who seems to have risen above all the quite frankly dreadful advice from your Dad  you grew up with? How do you think your mum felt losing her home when he gambled it away or did not attend her childrens' weddings or visit her grandchildren?  My jaw literally dropped open when you said he would come to a house warming for a house worth more than £1m but not to either of yours or your sisters weddings or to see their grandchildren.  Does your mum not get a say in any of this? 

Do you have any goals which are not money or possession related? 

I missed that, that’s really sad if he did say that and explains exactly why you’re chasing that 7 figure house. Some subconscious hope you’ll feel valued...

 I have missed that too...
This explains a lot and it is so sad. 

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

Ahh yeah l missed it too...so what you are really chasing is your dads' approval. 

alt80

@woahsoah I know what you mean I do focus on how much things are a bit too much.

Thanks determined to get the debt gone for good. If one good thing has come out of this it’ll be not using credit cards without thinking what I’m using them for. 100 admit I needed a budget in my personal life, as annoying as it is, it is doing me good. Don’t have limitless cash by a long way realising that is making me focus on what are better things to buy. Won’t be going down RR in 3.5 years let’s put it that way - get it paid off and keep it a good 15 years. Definitely want to add toys but going to start with an XJS for cash after cards / RR cleared. Feels a bit rubbish waiting but definitely right thing on the car front. 

@annabanana82 My wife is half the problem she’s got no drive and doesn’t want much. All she wants is stuff related to exercise and hair/ beauty/ clothes/ shoes. That is literally all she’s interested in that and stuff for son. She says she’d perhaps like to move to a village type area but doesn’t generally like the houses out there - prefers current house. Recently she doesn’t even want to move at all. Instead her dream is keep current res home and buy a little cottage somewhere abroad as a holiday home lol. Not for me we’d go once a year for a week and she’s already told me she doesn’t want it let out so no income from it just a drain on finances.

We never used to argue but since I’ve told her about the debt we’ve had a couple of massive rows about her wanting me to snap of of ‘the chase’ as she calls it.

I don’t care about FILs approval if that’s what you mean just want to say f**k you to him. Sounds harsh but he’s constantly rubbished me over the years always goading me about being ‘big finance’ convinced I’ve more debt than I can handle. Didn’t even want to lie to wife but knew telling her would just validate him. Yeah wife would show him houses she did with this one which he kicked up a massive fuss about calling me up asking where I had ‘the money for that’ and patronising me telling me ‘it’ll cost a lot to run’ and ‘don’t need a house that big’ etc etc Nothing would beat the satisfaction of him seeing in black and white from HMLR that I’d gone one better. Churlish yeah 100% no doubt. Wouldn’t just buy anywhere though have to be the right place. 

As for me looking up sold prices yeah usually have a look just curiosity really see if they’ve got a good deal or paid too much more often than not. No judgement not my life.

@ZaSa1418 There’s nothing wrong with my res home. This was 100 next level for me for a long time, walked by these houses telling myself the day I bought one I’d have made it. Nothing I can’t do here as far as needs go. Can safely store some cars with 2 in the garage and got a nice garden too. Still get a bit of a buzz pulling in the drive tbh always take a second glance at the place when I leave. Dream house for a long time well next door was ha mine is slightly smaller but I’m 100 not knocking where I live feel quite fortunate to have it in lots of ways.

I don’t see mortgage debt like cards/ cars at all so me and you differ there.

@RelievedSheff What are they moving on to? Tbh I’m not looking for a load of land or anything like that. I’d like a Georgian / Regency period place ideally but wouldn’t turn down another Victorian house or the right Edwardian house but definitely not anything too old with a load of beams everywhere. I like high ornate ceilings, character but not twee and 100 no farm/ barn conversion / probably not ultra modern type places. Nice place for sale in Ruddington right now would probably have a look at that if it were realistic. 

@JGB1955 I’ve no doubt he probably would lol. Tbf would give me a bit of satisfaction to say yeah all paid for lol. What’s in the garage? Classic AM or something Italian definitely the dream for me. Ultimate dream would be a Miura but that really is just dreaming ha. Don’t sleep well tbf can’t switch off need my 8 hours too so wish I could.

@getmore4less I wish she was pushing me to get it tbh. She’s not that interested in houses wanted to move here but would have stayed in previous house lol.

It’s anytime conversation here all I talk about houses and cars she knows that by now maybe a bit of commercial thrown in, rant about the government and earning more which turns into property again. At least she knows what she’s getting with me.

Think I do stress myself out wondering ‘is this it’, leads me to spend or spend money I don’t have. 100 self destructive and taking from growing the business and portfolio. 100 been an idiot these past few years just thinking the money would come to me utter stupidity I know. Now put myself behind know that also.

Do feel like a 7 figure house would be a better bet than cards and the RR as you say it’s ‘good’ debt well def better than stuff I’ve bought on cards and a car that depreciates at a ridiculous rate. I’m annoyed with myself I chose this route tbh.  It’s been going on for two long for me to have got the mortgage on £1M home anyhow.

Agreed re selling that’s why I had a look at what wife was turning down. Definitely drive a hard bargain some do. I used to be like that when I had a lot less haha so completely get it.

@Donk2 Sorry to hear that mate. Not sure I can help personally. Worth posting on main board. I have had some issues with anxiety not to that extent and brought on myself tbf so not sure if an actual medical issue or just a reaction to my own idiocy. 

@curtains174 Wasn’t the best day of my life let’s just put it that way, wasn’t for sister on hers either. I don’t really think parents would turn up tbh. Said before they live in Greece, can’t even get a direct flight and they’re not interested in coming back to UK. My dad doesn’t believe I’ll get a 7 figure house that’s why he said it. If I do 100 he’ll deny it ha. 

Definitely carrying on with debt busting that’ll be gone asap. 

@ladyholly She’s not going to leave me over a house lol and I do care about her.

@DayDreamerandGeneralWaster Yes my wife looks after the house not sure why that’s an issue I earn the money. Tbh I know more than most how much for maintenance etc I look after my tenanted houses and my own house wife not going to find the money up a tree. She spends about 2/3 hours a day on house so not too much to ask. 3 hours more likely on a bigger house but she’d get to enjoy it too.

@ryanm8655 Son hates the idea of moving house too, he just doesn’t get it’d be a better house, would be fine once he was there. Still like where I live but it’s not my next level dream house. Wife has said before she doesn’t think she’d feel at home anywhere bigger don’t get that at all. Probably just says it because she thinks I’m not good enough to get it.

Can see where you’re coming from re staying put, payoff and more toys. I’m just always going to want that next level big f**k off house.

@mamamu I care about her a lot of course I consider her and my son. Not going to sacrifice my ambition though - not like I'm talking about selling up and driving round the world in a campervan or something that would really change her life just want a bigger house lol.

@enthusiasticsaver Right about having the drive but never good enough. Nothing ever enough for me just how I am.

Yeah he said that but 100 don't believe he'd actually turn up. My sister and I get on well always have, different views on stuff though. My mum is very laid back, she'd let my dad get away with anything no chance of that from my Mrs lol. She's the sort of mum you don't know what to buy for her birthday, got no interests just working dawn til dusk and a lot of running around after my dad. Loads of memories of dad being dad lol but all our memories of mum are cleaning, washing up, making beds, behind the bar, dragging my dad away from the bar, cooking fry ups for guests but not letting us eat it unless it was a Sunday and telling us when we were being lazy that 'the devil finds work for idle hands'. Just a typical mum. 

They're not really interested in me and my sister anymore we chat on the phone, they're supportive from a distance but they've got a new life. New start, new language, culture, food everything. They love it.

alt80

@DayDreamerandGeneralWaster No I'm not lol want to make it for myself, no one else.

alt80

Another decent day on the work front. Wife not happy again no pleasing her lol. No progress on the sales - frustrating and don't think I'm going to get to £5k this month. No news re FA yet. 

13/11/20:
1. X7 things up for sale. 8/7 - smashed this target.
2. X3 exercise ( just upper body x2 and something else x1 with foot issue wife will come up with something no doubt ha) 1/3. Did have a short walk. Just CBA right now.
3. Update expenses/ cards spreadsheets. Not spent anything, not updated. Still checking the Yolt app which is looking better every time I log in with less transactions to log - lockdown effect.
4. Finish work 6.00pm and switch email off. Same, same - had a bit of a break but back to it after son went to bed. Better working than spending!! Probably going to work 1/2 days next week going to be bored otherwise.
5. In bed for midnight. Probably not being Friday. 

theoretica

alt80 said:

@annabanana82 My wife is half the problem she’s got no drive and doesn’t want much.

You've said that a few times, but I think she sounds great for you.  If your partner were another earner/spender I can see you getting into insane competition and conflicting priorities.

strawb_shortcake

theoretica said:

alt80 said:

@annabanana82 My wife is half the problem she’s got no drive and doesn’t want much.

You've said that a few times, but I think she sounds great for you.  If your partner were another earner/spender I can see you getting into insane competition and conflicting priorities.

I think they sound a really well balanced couple, equally if the wife was more driven for material things then they'd probably find themselves in a bigger mess and Alt under even more pressure to deliver on the big figure items