First Steps to Solvency

alt80

@theoretica You're probably right tbf. My ex was a lot more driven and we argued non stop. Tbh when I met my wife not going to lie I was attracted to her because she was fit (still is) but when I got to know her she calmed me down a lot, less going out getting wasted every weekend which wasn't doing me any good and not gonna lie I liked getting the house looked after and my dinner on the table. Never asked for it and really didn't think that was what I wanted but we certainly used to get on very well together.

KxMx

alt80 said:

@woahsoah I know what you mean I do focus on how much things are a bit too much.

Thanks determined to get the debt gone for good. If one good thing has come out of this it’ll be not using credit cards without thinking what I’m using them for. 100 admit I needed a budget in my personal life, as annoying as it is, it is doing me good. Don’t have limitless cash by a long way realising that is making me focus on what are better things to buy. Won’t be going down RR in 3.5 years let’s put it that way - get it paid off and keep it a good 15 years. Definitely want to add toys but going to start with an XJS for cash after cards / RR cleared. Feels a bit rubbish waiting but definitely right thing on the car front. 

@annabanana82 My wife is half the problem she’s got no drive and doesn’t want much. All she wants is stuff related to exercise and hair/ beauty/ clothes/ shoes. That is literally all she’s interested in that and stuff for son. She says she’d perhaps like to move to a village type area but doesn’t generally like the houses out there - prefers current house. Recently she doesn’t even want to move at all. Instead her dream is keep current res home and buy a little cottage somewhere abroad as a holiday home lol. Not for me we’d go once a year for a week and she’s already told me she doesn’t want it let out so no income from it just a drain on finances.

We never used to argue but since I’ve told her about the debt we’ve had a couple of massive rows about her wanting me to snap of of ‘the chase’ as she calls it.

I don’t care about FILs approval if that’s what you mean just want to say f**k you to him. Sounds harsh but he’s constantly rubbished me over the years always goading me about being ‘big finance’ convinced I’ve more debt than I can handle. Didn’t even want to lie to wife but knew telling her would just validate him. Yeah wife would show him houses she did with this one which he kicked up a massive fuss about calling me up asking where I had ‘the money for that’ and patronising me telling me ‘it’ll cost a lot to run’ and ‘don’t need a house that big’ etc etc Nothing would beat the satisfaction of him seeing in black and white from HMLR that I’d gone one better. Churlish yeah 100% no doubt. Wouldn’t just buy anywhere though have to be the right place. 

As for me looking up sold prices yeah usually have a look just curiosity really see if they’ve got a good deal or paid too much more often than not. No judgement not my life.

@ZaSa1418 There’s nothing wrong with my res home. This was 100 next level for me for a long time, walked by these houses telling myself the day I bought one I’d have made it. Nothing I can’t do here as far as needs go. Can safely store some cars with 2 in the garage and got a nice garden too. Still get a bit of a buzz pulling in the drive tbh always take a second glance at the place when I leave. Dream house for a long time well next door was ha mine is slightly smaller but I’m 100 not knocking where I live feel quite fortunate to have it in lots of ways.

I don’t see mortgage debt like cards/ cars at all so me and you differ there.

@RelievedSheff What are they moving on to? Tbh I’m not looking for a load of land or anything like that. I’d like a Georgian / Regency period place ideally but wouldn’t turn down another Victorian house or the right Edwardian house but definitely not anything too old with a load of beams everywhere. I like high ornate ceilings, character but not twee and 100 no farm/ barn conversion / probably not ultra modern type places. Nice place for sale in Ruddington right now would probably have a look at that if it were realistic. 

@JGB1955 I’ve no doubt he probably would lol. Tbf would give me a bit of satisfaction to say yeah all paid for lol. What’s in the garage? Classic AM or something Italian definitely the dream for me. Ultimate dream would be a Miura but that really is just dreaming ha. Don’t sleep well tbf can’t switch off need my 8 hours too so wish I could.

@getmore4less I wish she was pushing me to get it tbh. She’s not that interested in houses wanted to move here but would have stayed in previous house lol.

It’s anytime conversation here all I talk about houses and cars she knows that by now maybe a bit of commercial thrown in, rant about the government and earning more which turns into property again. At least she knows what she’s getting with me.

Think I do stress myself out wondering ‘is this it’, leads me to spend or spend money I don’t have. 100 self destructive and taking from growing the business and portfolio. 100 been an idiot these past few years just thinking the money would come to me utter stupidity I know. Now put myself behind know that also.

Do feel like a 7 figure house would be a better bet than cards and the RR as you say it’s ‘good’ debt well def better than stuff I’ve bought on cards and a car that depreciates at a ridiculous rate. I’m annoyed with myself I chose this route tbh.  It’s been going on for two long for me to have got the mortgage on £1M home anyhow.

Agreed re selling that’s why I had a look at what wife was turning down. Definitely drive a hard bargain some do. I used to be like that when I had a lot less haha so completely get it.

@Donk2 Sorry to hear that mate. Not sure I can help personally. Worth posting on main board. I have had some issues with anxiety not to that extent and brought on myself tbf so not sure if an actual medical issue or just a reaction to my own idiocy. 

@curtains174 Wasn’t the best day of my life let’s just put it that way, wasn’t for sister on hers either. I don’t really think parents would turn up tbh. Said before they live in Greece, can’t even get a direct flight and they’re not interested in coming back to UK. My dad doesn’t believe I’ll get a 7 figure house that’s why he said it. If I do 100 he’ll deny it ha. 

Definitely carrying on with debt busting that’ll be gone asap. 

@ladyholly She’s not going to leave me over a house lol and I do care about her.

@DayDreamerandGeneralWaster Yes my wife looks after the house not sure why that’s an issue I earn the money. Tbh I know more than most how much for maintenance etc I look after my tenanted houses and my own house wife not going to find the money up a tree. She spends about 2/3 hours a day on house so not too much to ask. 3 hours more likely on a bigger house but she’d get to enjoy it too.

@ryanm8655 Son hates the idea of moving house too, he just doesn’t get it’d be a better house, would be fine once he was there. Still like where I live but it’s not my next level dream house. Wife has said before she doesn’t think she’d feel at home anywhere bigger don’t get that at all. Probably just says it because she thinks I’m not good enough to get it.

Can see where you’re coming from re staying put, payoff and more toys. I’m just always going to want that next level big f**k off house.

@mamamu I care about her a lot of course I consider her and my son. Not going to sacrifice my ambition though - not like I'm talking about selling up and driving round the world in a campervan or something that would really change her life just want a bigger house lol.

@enthusiasticsaver Right about having the drive but never good enough. Nothing ever enough for me just how I am.

Yeah he said that but 100 don't believe he'd actually turn up. My sister and I get on well always have, different views on stuff though. My mum is very laid back, she'd let my dad get away with anything no chance of that from my Mrs lol. She's the sort of mum you don't know what to buy for her birthday, got no interests just working dawn til dusk and a lot of running around after my dad. Loads of memories of dad being dad lol but all our memories of mum are cleaning, washing up, making beds, behind the bar, dragging my dad away from the bar, cooking fry ups for guests but not letting us eat it unless it was a Sunday and telling us when we were being lazy that 'the devil finds work for idle hands'. Just a typical mum. 

They're not really interested in me and my sister anymore we chat on the phone, they're supportive from a distance but they've got a new life. New start, new language, culture, food everything. They love it.

Remember when your wife was having lots of beauty treatments in part because she thought she had to look like a Love Island contestant to keep you interested? 

How you assured her that wasn't true, the real issue was her self confidence? 

Why would you assume wife was lying about her reasons especially when you've both reached a point where you value honesty so much.

YOU are the one who doubts you and never feels good enough, please believe your wife and her reasons, you are a family of three living in a house with 4 double bedrooms, that is plenty big enough and more than you need. 

Not everyone has the same (impossible to satisfy) standards as you do, if your wife says that as her reason for not wanting to move then please believe her. 

getmore4less

In gaming terms. 

You have buying cheat codes to get through the levels but the next level gets harder because you don't have enough gold or experience points to get through. 

You have to back up a level or two and redo them properly, replenish the gold stocks and gain those experience points.

tjp70

So you’ve gone from constantly lusting  after an AM to now wanting a 7 figure house. 

The best things in life aren’t things. 

ryanm8655

Man. Can’t believe your dad said that re: house and didn’t turn up to either of your weddings. That is shocking and honestly, I do think it probably explains a lot about how you feel and act, whether you realise it or not.

I didn’t realise for years how many of my issues were down to experiences growing up and how my mother was. Haven’t spoken to her in years and a lot of my counselling was about letting go of that part of my life. I’ve felt a lot less weighed down ever since. Very much doubt I’ll ever see her again and as horrible as it sounds, I’m not bothered at all.

Agree with others re: wife. Remember in your early postings being quite scathing of her lack of willingness to work, insistence on private schools and spending fortunes on treatments/luxuries etc. Actually seems as though she’s pretty level headed, works hard at home and has taken the debt stuff in her stride and made big sacrifices now she knows the reality. You have too by the way!

Don’t take this the wrong way but you do talk as though you’re single and think like you’re single sometimes. Like with the house, obsessing over the 7 figure house and saying thing like “I earn the money, it’s my choice”. I can understand that but the fact is you are married with a kid, you have a family, you have to think as a family not just expect them to like or lump whatever you do with no regard for how they feel about it. You also need to acknowledge the value your wife adds in doing everything around the home, dealing with son etc. And not just a cursory acknowledgement but really acknowledge it. Running a home and a kid is stressful. When family have had health issues and I’ve had to step up in the past, I’ve realised how stressful that is. If your wife decided she wasn’t going to do anything one day or just buggered off to her parents and left you with son then you’d be up !!!!!! creek and next level stressed, even compared to now. I’m not saying that would ever happen but it’s important to genuinely acknowledge the value she adds and sacrifices she makes everyday when you’re making decisions based on what you want. 

That’s not meant harshly or anything, I can empathise with your position and get where you are coming from. Just think you need to think about what your wife wants more. 

ladyholly

You say ypour wife isnt driven. It depends what you mean. Her drivers are different to yours or you wouldnt have a nice house, a happy son and a wife that looks good not to mention clean cars. Appreciate her for what she is not what you think she should be. I didnt say she would leave you over a house but you seem to display very little respect for her (no drive, doesnt want things etc) not to mention your attitude to her father. Okay he is a pain and doesnt like you but at the end of the day he is her father and she loves him so stop with the criticism of him to her. It is often the small things that build up and destroy marriages.

Incidentally your FiL isnt any worse than mine was but I fought to keep a relationship with him for my husbands and daughters sake. I put up with years of nastiness before he died but I never gave up being polite etc.

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

@theoretica You're probably right tbf. My ex was a lot more driven and we argued non stop. Tbh when I met my wife not going to lie I was attracted to her because she was fit (still is) but when I got to know her she calmed me down a lot, less going out getting wasted every weekend which wasn't doing me any good and not gonna lie I liked getting the house looked after and my dinner on the table. Never asked for it and really didn't think that was what I wanted but we certainly used to get on very well together.

Most couples do fall into roles when they have been together for a while. The old adage "opposites attract" very often hold a grain of truth in them. Your wife calms you down, removes the stress of all house and home work from you and does childcare while trying to stay "fit" for you. Your words, not mine as I hate that term unless it refers to being healthy which in your case I don't think it does. She is fighting back now because you have a son and you cannot be reckless financially when you have a family. She is also getting older and usually we get more confident in our ability to say no to things we are not happy with.  If you were single then going for broke may work but a child needs a secure home to grow up in (unlike your childhood from the sounds of it). If you were with someone who was as absorbed in their own goals and as driven as you would not go along with you so there would definitely be more conflict. I am not sure your life goals are the same any more as your wife's though so until you sort this out or compromise there will continue to be arguments. As Ryan says you need to start thinking as a family not just expect her to go along with what you want. It makes no difference who earns the money. She works hard too. 

All this talk of 7 figure houses is irrelevant. You are still heavily in debt and taking money out of the portfolio by not reinvesting the income and if we have an economic recession and the banks put much stricter conditions on lending and a possible housing crash you will be in a spot of bother so increasing your mortgage is a non starter.  I would park this for 5 years then reassess. You seem to have swapped an addiction to AM sites to RM in the mistaken belief that you can say the house is for all of you but the car is definitely just for you. 

Retireinten

Alt80, in respect of your wife's reaction to all this, it sounds like she is really taking things in her stride. Let's be honest here the financial pressure you have created for yourself and your family would bring most people to their knees mentally.  I expect she's in a form of 'flight or fight' mode - terrified of what you will do next to damage your family's current and future financial security!  And that conversation about a £1m house would have kicked that flight or fight mode into high gear!

Do you realise that everyone has to budget in their personal lives... whether they are on minimum wage or millions, its just that the decisions on what they buy are different!  For the very, very big earners it might be a toss up between a private jet or a luxury yacht BUT the point is they still have to budget.  And sometimes the answer is neither and to save up so they can have both in the future!

You must realise now that if you had budgeted and made different choices you probably would have that £1m house, but your son might not be private education and there would be a distinct lack of RR on the drive! 

You have a huge amount of drive, you need to find a way to redirect it away from thoughts of spending and wanting more, to feeling that same drive for paying for the wants you've already had! 

I measure my financial success by monitoring my net worth, which I'm sure you know, is assets less debt.  You are focusing on the debt bit now but you are still improving your financial net worth.  Please try to remember that! 

ZaSa1418

@alt80 it's not about what i think in regards to mortgage debt, it's about what your wife thinks and she clearly wasn't happy about it. 

katsu

Morning @alt80.  It's fabulous seeing how far you've come from your first postings.  I've talked about you with Mr Katsu and thought a lot about your situation. 
We don't know your wife but you said "Wife has said before she doesn’t think she’d feel at home anywhere bigger don’t get that at all. Probably just says it because she thinks I’m not good enough to get it.".
If you think that's really true,  I really think you are wrong. Just because you don't understand why your wife might think or feel that way,  that doesn't mean she's lying to you or that she thinks you aren't "good enough" at what you do.  
I'm another person whose life you'd probably find surprising. I'm a high earner (employed not SE), with an unambitious partner on a much lower income,  living well below our means in an ordinary house in a working class area. Mr katsu and I often laugh about what our neighbours must think we earn as our money isn't out on display.  When we did some big works the other year, someone in the area assumed our house had been sold to new owners!

We like having "stealth" money. We feel amused when people assume we must have a lower income as we don't need them to be impressed by our achievements. 

 Our decision to pay the mortgage off early (got our initial 30 years paid off in 12) and do everything from savings not spending was a conversion we came to over the years.  I don't think you need to live like us and I don't think our life is better than yours will be when you've got debt free. What I hope might be interesting for you is another perspective on a high earning life. 

My goal was to be secure,  to own our house and have savings. It gives me freedom, an "F-off" fund. I don't feel trapped in my job.  If I want to walk away any time,  I can.  I've worked with too many execs who had to earn big money to pay for the house, horse, school, wife lifestyle,  their lifestyle etc. I watched the desperation in a nice guy who had a wife like yours who didn't work but who had very expensive horse and lifestyle costs. It put him under a lot of pressure and affected his decision making at work as he was desperate to keep earning to keep his house of cards from falling down.  He couldn't get off the treadmill and is still making some dumb choices because he can't think clearly. His wife really seems to love his wages more than him. I don't think that's true about yours. 

So maybe there's a thought that your wife is an asset not a hindrance? She doesn't burn up as much cash as she could and she's not another stressor,  but maybe someone who can support you if you and she grow closer on this journey? 

I won't lie,  I've thought at times that if Mr katsu earnt what I earn, our life would be amazing (I actually have no idea what we'd do with all the money over years and years). But he wouldn't be Mr katsu. He's the laid back one that balances my drive and has the time to spend with me when I'm not working and I want him to hang out on my schedule. Having him home when I'm home and not having to accommodate two demanding jobs is really helpful.  He's not as good at housework as Mrs alt80 though 😂 And I don't think he'll every take over washing my car!