My OH has Annorexia, can anyone help?

mr_worried_3

I am signed in under a different name so she wont know it's me posting.

I have been with her for a while now. Her eating has always ben an issue since I met her. She seemed quite healthy in her ways but a little depressed. In the last few months she has lost a substansial amount of her body weight (from about a 10 to about a 6). I am really worried for her. She is always tired but always wanting to do things. She is angry and snappy but all I do is bite my tongue, love her and be there for her. I don't feel I have the strength to be forceful to her eating. But that's the only way I can see it moving forward. She has been in hospital for this before but discharged herself.

Basically I feel stuck. I'm feeling down about how I might have been the cause of this. She tells me she wants to look good for me. But she was perfect in every single way, she still is perfect to me, I just worry for the time we have got left. The hospitals have a 9 month waiting list and I don't think she'll last that. Please any advise would be really appreciated.

feelinggood_2

The Beat (Beat Eating Disorders) website has a section on help:
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/HelpandSupport

There are also links to websites that have help, information and support here:
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anorexia.php

Sorry to hear that your OH is going through a hard time. Does she recognise that she has a problem and does she want to recover? Has your GP recommended anything to help while she is on the waiting list? Has she been refered for therapy?

Please don't think you are the cause of this. In my experience, eating disorders are about those who suffer, not caused by those around us.

samuela66

Hi Mr Worried,

I wont be a lot of help I dont think but I am thinking of you and your g/f, but just to let you know that my best friend is bulimic, she was anorexic previously. It is so hard to try to help them because they wont listen whatsoever, I had been to the hospital with my friend saw the psychiatrist with her and she was told if she carried on excersising she would probably kill herself as her heart couldnt take it due to the amount of strain she had put on it, did she listen, NO, alls you can do at the moment is be there for her and be understanding.
What do you mean when you say you may be the cause of it??? and she may not last until the waiting list??
Perhaps ask if she will let you go to her GP with her and see if you cant get her in the hospital sooner.

Sam

mr_worried_3

feelinggood wrote: »

The Beat (Beat Eating Disorders) website has a section on help:
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/HelpandSupport

There are also links to websites that have help, information and support here:
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/anorexia.php

Sorry to hear that your OH is going through a hard time. Does she recognise that she has a problem and does she want to recover? Has your GP recommended anything to help while she is on the waiting list? Has she been refered for therapy?

Please don't think you are the cause of this. In my experience, eating disorders are about those who suffer, not caused by those around us.

I have read everything to do with beat. I have had numerous telephone conversations with them too. The only avenue they put me towards is hospital.

GP has put her on antidepressants, previously on diazapam. She is not on the waiting list and is not willing to go on the waiting list. She's having none of it. She has therapy once a week, but to be honest she just feels more confident about NOT eating than being prepared TO eat when she comes out. It's as if they are telling her she is doing a good thing.

I think she needs hospital asap but not sure of the best avenue to take, and how I can get her to see that she needs to go. She is really really unwell. It's so horrible to see someone so lovely do this to themselves.

feelinggood_2

mr_worried wrote: »

I have read everything to do with beat. I have had numerous telephone conversations with them too. The only avenue they put me towards is hospital.

GP has put her on antidepressants, previously on diazapam. She is not on the waiting list and is not willing to go on the waiting list. She's having none of it. She has therapy once a week, but to be honest she just feels more confident about NOT eating than being prepared TO eat when she comes out. It's as if they are telling her she is doing a good thing.

I think she needs hospital asap but not sure of the best avenue to take, and how I can get her to see that she needs to go. She is really really unwell. It's so horrible to see someone so lovely do this to themselves.

This sounds like an impossible situation for you to be in.

Would it be possible to put her in touch with someone who is in recovery from anorexia? The reason I suggest this is that I know that its so much easier to 'hear' things from someone who has been there. Only another alcoholic could get me to see that I was an alcoholic. Perhaps only another anorexic could help her to see what she is doing? Even if it doesn't bring a huge change, it may just plant the seed in her mind.

mr_worried_3

samuela66 wrote: »

Hi Mr Worried,

I wont be a lot of help I dont think but I am thinking of you and your g/f, but just to let you know that my best friend is bulimic, she was anorexic previously. It is so hard to try to help them because they wont listen whatsoever, I had been to the hospital with my friend saw the psychiatrist with her and she was told if she carried on excersising she would probably kill herself as her heart couldnt take it due to the amount of strain she had put on it, did she listen, NO, alls you can do at the moment is be there for her and be understanding.
What do you mean when you say you may be the cause of it??? and she may not last until the waiting list??
Perhaps ask if she will let you go to her GP with her and see if you cant get her in the hospital sooner.

Sam

She knows she has a problem and she says she wants to get better but she wont physically do it. She hasn't done or said anyhing to make me think it's my fault but she was fit and healthy physically when I met her and now she is ill, i just can't help but to blame myself. I seriously think she is so thin that her body will give up in a matter of months. I wake up next to her and first thing I do is make sure she is still alive.

mr_worried_3

feelinggood wrote: »

This sounds like an impossible situation for you to be in.

Would it be possible to put her in touch with someone who is in recovery from anorexia? The reason I suggest this is that I know that its so much easier to 'hear' things from someone who has been there. Only another alcoholic could get me to see that I was an alcoholic. Perhaps only another anorexic could help her to see what she is doing? Even if it doesn't bring a huge change, it may just plant the seed in her mind.

She knows a few people from when she prevously went to hospital. Some have got better and some not so well. We have read lots of books relating to self help and true storied about getting out of the illness but to no avail. She is so so so scared of eating. She panics. She cooks for people to take her mind of eating she calls herself fat for having a tiny tiny tiny amount of food.

pinkshoes

The thing that made me eat properly again (going back over 7 years ago) was the realisation that I could damage my reproductive system and never be able to have kids. Not to mention be stuck in a wheelchair for life due to osteoporosis.

Anorexia is normally about control rather than the way you look. The whole "how many of my ribs stick out?" thing is more a way of measuring the control. Kinda hard to explain, but you sent strange targets, and get a kick out of meeting them i.e. eating only 100 calories in 24 hours, getting needle on the scales below 8 stone, being able to feel under the rib cage...

I very much doubt you caused it, but there might be something else making her feel unhappy that makes her want to control her weight.

Don't pressure her into eating, and when you cook dinner, serve plenty of things like lettuce, cucumber, celery wiht practically no calories (do NOT stuck dressing on!), so she can serve herself and eat what she's comfortable with. Always let her put her own food on her plate, and maybe watch TV when eating so the attention is not on her.

I didn't relate to anyone else that had an eating problem. I saw it as competition. But the prospect of never being able to have children due to something that was entirely my own fault really got to me.

trace_567

This is a complicated one. I was a low weight bulimic for several years. In between binges I behaved a lot like a anorexic in my attitude to food and weight. Is she definitely completely anorexic, or are there any bulimic behaviours going on? If someone is bulimic but of anorexic weight, they will be classed as anorexia even though their behaviour is in fact bulimic.

Firstly can you work out her bmi? Don't do this with her knowledge, reason I say this is because when I was ill my BMI was really important to me, and I would compete against anyone, such as in a book on eating disorders if it said such and such BMI was emaciated, thats where I wanted to get to. However the BMI might be helpful to you. A BMI of 17.5 or under is anorexic weight. If I remember rightly doctors use BMI to gage if someone needs admitting to hospital for re-feeding, whether that be voluntary or under a section. Watch out for any behaviours she may do before a doctor weigh in to make her weight rise. These are water loading etc. I won't go into all I know and did myself in case anyone thats anorexic reads this and then uses them.

If she has bulimic behaviour such as bingeing and vomiting, I'm not talking just throwing up after a meal sized portion but full on bingeing. I would suggest if this is happening that she try adding sugar to hot drinks and have them at various intervals throughout the day. I found when I was bulimic that by adding sugar to drinks (which previously I wouldn't do for fear of the calories) it helped me to stop the bingeing. I think it did this by raising my blood sugar levels. As any diabetic will tell you, when they go hypo (low blood sugar) they just want to eat and eat. Its the body's way of making you eat.

Back to the anorexia. As was already mentioned try and get her some psychology if you can. I'm not a big fan of hospitals for eating disorders, although they certainly can be life saving. It really depends on the individual. However one thing to remember is that eating disorder units are exactly that, and they are filled with anorexics and bulimics, some of which could well be of a lower weight. This can then fuel an anorexic into wanting to lose more weight by competing. However I will say in some cases these hospitals are the answer and they do a very very good job. But it is often seen as a last resort, probably as beds are extremely limited.

Her depression maybe connected with her lack of food intact. It could be that depression set it off, or it could be that the lack of food is causing or making worse any depression.

I personally would recommend her maybe not reading autobiographies by anorexics. I've read many, and honestly when I was ill they made me worse. I found I was competing against the person in the book, wanting to get sicker than them etc. They tend to have many references to weight, whilst often not putting this into perspective against height. So if the book says so and so weighed 5 stone, in my mind as I'm 4ft 10 I thought I should therefore aim much lower. They do have there place, however I think in some people they can in fact fuel the condition. An anorexic will often be obsessed with reading about it, watching tv programmes about it, buying magazines with articles about it etc etc.

I would suggest with her you look very seriously into the physical aspects of what anorexia can do to your body. To name just a one, it can cause infertility. If say this is something that is really important to her, then try getting her to read autobiographies about people going through fertility issues. Take the focus off the eating disorder, but put it onto all the things that could happen if she continues. Yes its a scare tactic, but from my experience its something that doctors and psychologists etc don't spend much time on with their patients. But if her thinking can be changed so she becomes more scared of what she is doing to herself, than of the weight gain, it could work. Right now she is dominated by a fear of gaining even 1lb. Believe me I know what thats like. She probably weighs herself constantly. Now obviously anorexia is not as cut and dry as just switching off the behaviours, however in terms of her weight and health that's whats needed to get her to a more acceptable weight.

I only got better when I damaged my stomach from the bulimia. I now have to live with it for the rest of my life. It was a wake up call.

hammodt

mr_worried wrote: »

She tells me she wants to look good for me. But she was perfect in every single way, she still is perfect to me

Have you told her this?

Good luck!

David

mr_worried_3

pinkshoes wrote: »

The thing that made me eat properly again (going back over 7 years ago) was the realisation that I could damage my reproductive system and never be able to have kids. Not to mention be stuck in a wheelchair for life due to osteoporosis.

Anorexia is normally about control rather than the way you look. The whole "how many of my ribs stick out?" thing is more a way of measuring the control. Kinda hard to explain, but you sent strange targets, and get a kick out of meeting them i.e. eating only 100 calories in 24 hours, getting needle on the scales below 8 stone, being able to feel under the rib cage...

I very much doubt you caused it, but there might be something else making her feel unhappy that makes her want to control her weight.

Don't pressure her into eating, and when you cook dinner, serve plenty of things like lettuce, cucumber, celery wiht practically no calories (do NOT stuck dressing on!), so she can serve herself and eat what she's comfortable with. Always let her put her own food on her plate, and maybe watch TV when eating so the attention is not on her.

I didn't relate to anyone else that had an eating problem. I saw it as competition. But the prospect of never being able to have children due to something that was entirely my own fault really got to me.

She is a perfectionist. Everything she does has to be perfect. When her son has to make something for school she puts hours and hours into making sure it's the best. She cooks really nice meals for me and her children but she never sits and eats with us. The most she will eat at one time is a quarter of a tin of soup with one side of the crust of some bread. She has done this twice in the last couple of months, all the other times it's less than that!

when we have been to the doctors she will stand on the scales facing the other way so she can't see her weight, in case it is higher that the ones at home. She will take her scales with her if we go away even for a night.

She already knows she can't have anymore children. I wanted one with her but she says we can only adopt. She stopped her menstrual cycle about 6 months ago so this signalled it it i think.

she has a bmi of 16 i think. She was told to aim for 18. She's about 5'11" and weighs 7st.

I will try with the dinner idea. If I put a plate of food in front of her and she eats just the lettuce i would be proud of her for having the guts to have the meal in front of her.

How do you think I should handle the attention I give her regarding this? Do you think the more I talk the more she'll get a kick and carry on?