My OH has Annorexia, can anyone help?

mr_worried_3

trace_567 wrote: »

This is a complicated one. I was a low weight bulimic for several years. In between binges I behaved a lot like a anorexic in my attitude to food and weight. Is she definitely completely anorexic, or are there any bulimic behaviours going on? If someone is bulimic but of anorexic weight, they will be classed as anorexia even though their behaviour is in fact bulimic.

Firstly can you work out her bmi? Don't do this with her knowledge, reason I say this is because when I was ill my BMI was really important to me, and I would compete against anyone, such as in a book on eating disorders if it said such and such BMI was emaciated, thats where I wanted to get to. However the BMI might be helpful to you. A BMI of 17.5 or under is anorexic weight. If I remember rightly doctors use BMI to gage if someone needs admitting to hospital for re-feeding, whether that be voluntary or under a section. Watch out for any behaviours she may do before a doctor weigh in to make her weight rise. These are water loading etc. I won't go into all I know and did myself in case anyone thats anorexic reads this and then uses them.

If she has bulimic behaviour such as bingeing and vomiting, I'm not talking just throwing up after a meal sized portion but full on bingeing. I would suggest if this is happening that she try adding sugar to hot drinks and have them at various intervals throughout the day. I found when I was bulimic that by adding sugar to drinks (which previously I wouldn't do for fear of the calories) it helped me to stop the bingeing. I think it did this by raising my blood sugar levels. As any diabetic will tell you, when they go hypo (low blood sugar) they just want to eat and eat. Its the body's way of making you eat.

Back to the anorexia. As was already mentioned try and get her some psychology if you can. I'm not a big fan of hospitals for eating disorders, although they certainly can be life saving. It really depends on the individual. However one thing to remember is that eating disorder units are exactly that, and they are filled with anorexics and bulimics, some of which could well be of a lower weight. This can then fuel an anorexic into wanting to lose more weight by competing. However I will say in some cases these hospitals are the answer and they do a very very good job. But it is often seen as a last resort, probably as beds are extremely limited.

Her depression maybe connected with her lack of food intact. It could be that depression set it off, or it could be that the lack of food is causing or making worse any depression.

I personally would recommend her maybe not reading autobiographies by anorexics. I've read many, and honestly when I was ill they made me worse. I found I was competing against the person in the book, wanting to get sicker than them etc. They tend to have many references to weight, whilst often not putting this into perspective against height. So if the book says so and so weighed 5 stone, in my mind as I'm 4ft 10 I thought I should therefore aim much lower. They do have there place, however I think in some people they can in fact fuel the condition. An anorexic will often be obsessed with reading about it, watching tv programmes about it, buying magazines with articles about it etc etc.

I would suggest with her you look very seriously into the physical aspects of what anorexia can do to your body. To name just a one, it can cause infertility. If say this is something that is really important to her, then try getting her to read autobiographies about people going through fertility issues. Take the focus off the eating disorder, but put it onto all the things that could happen if she continues. Yes its a scare tactic, but from my experience its something that doctors and psychologists etc don't spend much time on with their patients. But if her thinking can be changed so she becomes more scared of what she is doing to herself, than of the weight gain, it could work. Right now she is dominated by a fear of gaining even 1lb. Believe me I know what thats like. She probably weighs herself constantly. Now obviously anorexia is not as cut and dry as just switching off the behaviours, however in terms of her weight and health that's whats needed to get her to a more acceptable weight.

I only got better when I damaged my stomach from the bulimia. I now have to live with it for the rest of my life. It was a wake up call.

When I talk to her about what might happen to her there is absoloutly no emotion whatsoever. I cry to myself. She is in her 20s and this is happeening to her.

She isn't bullimic. She just doesn't eat. and she would never ever ever have sugar. She wont have a cup of tea, yet alone sugar too.

She looks at her stomach in her mirror at different angles, pushes it in, smacks herself to try and make it smaller.

What can I do?

pinkshoes

mr_worried wrote: »

She is a perfectionist. Everything she does has to be perfect. When her son has to make something for school she puts hours and hours into making sure it's the best.

me too! Not quite so bad now, but still a control freak (especially when food shopping, and lining things up at the till!). I used to write everything out until it was perfect, and if I made a mistake, start again. v tedious!

mr_worried wrote: »

she has a bmi of 16 i think. She was told to aim for 18. She's about 5'11" and weighs 7st.

I'm 5'11 and have a bmi of 17 (i'm a bit under 9 stone), so hers must be nearer 14, which is exceedingly unhealthy and she is at great risk of osteoporosis and spending the rest of her life in a wheelchair due to very low bone density. Can you not get her in touch with someone that already suffers from this? She wouldn't even be able to pick stuff up without risking breaking her wrists!

mr_worried wrote: »

I will try with the dinner idea. If I put a plate of food in front of her and she eats just the lettuce i would be proud of her for having the guts to have the meal in front of her.

How do you think I should handle the attention I give her regarding this? Do you think the more I talk the more she'll get a kick and carry on?

It's difficult to answer that. Maybe doing nothing could be better i.e. focusing on the kids rather than on her. Talk about what you've done and don't focus on food. Talk about a film you've all watched, or a trip out. She's more likely to eat if she doesn't feel under pressure.

Could you persuade her to take a calcium supplement, or at least drink some milk? or a sliver of cheese? You can buy special bottled water that contains calcium, and at the very least she should drink this.

mr_worried_3

She will only drink sugar free drinks. And lots of it. I know deep down that the risks of losing her are high. She currently is really unwell and I'm worried she wont recover.

What I can say though is that she doesn't like being on her own. If I go out with my friends she will call me saying she needs me there and she can't cope. We recently had an arguement and I was so scared she'd give up on life. My life now revolves around this also.

I want her to get better. She has got beautiful children, and I will do anything for her. Why can she not see that if she motivated herself life could be so full of happy times.

pinkshoes

mr_worried wrote: »

Why can she not see that if she motivated herself life could be so full of happy times.

Because an eating disorder is like a mental block, and hard to see past. It's like living in a bubble which is difficult to see out of.

Have you read something along the lines of "My Body, My Enemy"? I think it's by Claire someone-or-other. Oh, here's an amazon link:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/My-Body-Enemy-Thirteen-Anorexia/dp/0007100728

The other books will give you a similar insight into what's going on in her mind.

If she won't eat for herself, try and make her eat for her children. Point out that she will die if she doesn't eat, and that she needs to explain this to her children, because they won't understand otherwise. Try pointing out that her kids might end up blaming themselves, and if could end up affecting them too. I don't know how old they are, but it's difficult for most adults to understand why someone starves themselves to death. I know it's a bit like emotional blackmail, but it might work. At the very least she needs to write them a letter explaining why, just in case...

If she doesn't wanna go to a doctor, tell her that you will help her, and set realistic weight gains (1 - 2lbs every month). She needs to WANT to do it though.

feelinggood_2

I'd be weary about using emotional blackmail to get her to eat. It could end up making her isolate even more. To recover, people need unconditional love and support - if she doesn't feel like she can trust her partner, wouldn't it make her more likely to isolate and continue on this destructive path?

mr_rush

Have you thought about paying for private intervention? The Priory has an excellent eating disorders unit but it depends where you are based.

mr_worried_3

I mention her children all the time when we talk about this. I don't feel that it's emational blackmail as it is ther truth. How would her children feel. As I blame myself, would they blame theirselves? They are too young to understand now but I try and explain that she need to get better before they realise what she is doing, or things could get really bad.

I will ask her to try and write a letter to her kids explaining why she has been doing this. I think this will help as she can read what has happened to her and maybe see it from the outside. thanks for this, hope it helps.

mr_worried_3

mr_rush wrote: »

Have you thought about paying for private intervention? The Priory has an excellent eating disorders unit but it depends where you are based.

She will not go if it was free. Unless something somebody on here suggests works.

trace_567

Believe me eating disorders warp the mind. What you see and everyone else See's is not what she is seeing. From what you've said it sounds like you think she is of risk of suicide, I'm not talking about the weight loss here. When I was ill people would try and do the it could kill you tactic, it didn't work because I actually didn't want to be alive anyway.

fertility wise even though she has lost her periods that doesn't mean she won't be fine if she gets them back from a higher weight. However the longer it goes on for the greater the risk. Its better to try and get her to focus on what could happen and what she'll be left to live with if she continues this. Death tactics sound like they won't work for her.

I think maybe you should go to the doctors and discuss her weight and your concerns alone. Tell them exactly whats she's like, when she sees them to be honest she likely lies. Its part of the illness. Try and make sure they have a true picture of whats going on. And be on the look out for her doing anything to increase weight at the weigh ins. Report this to the doctors if she is.

She likely thinks that if she gains weight she will be a lot unhappier. To be honest this can be true temporally. The way she measures everything in life is down to her body size and weight. So a good day in her mind is a day without food. Or a day when the scales go down. Everything gets turned upside down when you have an eating disorder. The entire focus becomes food and weight. She probably thinks if she loses more weight she will be happier. Its not true of course, but to her she will believe that. So what you need to try and get her to do is shift that focus. Achievements need to be acknowledged, right now all she will see as an achievement will be weight loss or food restriction.

Coping skills need to be learned to help with recovery. An eating disorder is like an emotional crutch. It a way of expressing how you are feeling when words fail you. Her confidence is probably extremely low, and what confidence she has is probably tied up in the weight issue. So her confidence in herself and her ability to do things needs building. Praise her for things she might do, tell her she did a good job on something.

Please stop blaming yourself. There is so much evidence now that eating disorders are not the fault of parents, partners etc. However it is possible that something somewhere along the line has tipped the balance and set this off. You may never find out what it was, as it could be a collection of events etc. But very importantly you should not blame yourself, or her for this.

Have you looked into any support groups. This maybe somewhere you could gain some support. The eating disorders association , now called beat I think will have a list of all approved support groups.

mr_worried_3

trace_567 wrote: »

Believe me eating disorders warp the mind. What you see and everyone else See's is not what she is seeing. From what you've said it sounds like you think she is of risk of suicide, I'm not talking about the weight loss here. When I was ill people would try and do the it could kill you tactic, it didn't work because I actually didn't want to be alive anyway.

fertility wise even though she has lost her periods that doesn't mean she won't be fine if she gets them back from a higher weight. However the longer it goes on for the greater the risk. Its better to try and get her to focus on what could happen and what she'll be left to live with if she continues this. Death tactics sound like they won't work for her.

I think maybe you should go to the doctors and discuss her weight and your concerns alone. Tell them exactly whats she's like, when she sees them to be honest she likely lies. Its part of the illness. Try and make sure they have a true picture of whats going on. And be on the look out for her doing anything to increase weight at the weigh ins. Report this to the doctors if she is.

She likely thinks that if she gains weight she will be a lot unhappier. To be honest this can be true temporally. The way she measures everything in life is down to her body size and weight. So a good day in her mind is a day without food. Or a day when the scales go down. Everything gets turned upside down when you have an eating disorder. The entire focus becomes food and weight. She probably thinks if she loses more weight she will be happier. Its not true of course, but to her she will believe that. So what you need to try and get her to do is shift that focus. Achievements need to be acknowledged, right now all she will see as an achievement will be weight loss or food restriction.

Coping skills need to be learned to help with recovery. An eating disorder is like an emotional crutch. It a way of expressing how you are feeling when words fail you. Her confidence is probably extremely low, and what confidence she has is probably tied up in the weight issue. So her confidence in herself and her ability to do things needs building. Praise her for things she might do, tell her she did a good job on something.

Please stop blaming yourself. There is so much evidence now that eating disorders are not the fault of parents, partners etc. However it is possible that something somewhere along the line has tipped the balance and set this off. You may never find out what it was, as it could be a collection of events etc. But very importantly you should not blame yourself, or her for this.

Have you looked into any support groups. This maybe somewhere you could gain some support. The eating disorders association , now called beat I think will have a list of all approved support groups.

You are so right in what you say. Everything makes perfect sence. I do praise her for what she does well and this always cheers her up. She loves it when she goes shopping and saves money on things. She is brilliant with her kids. She is brilliant to me, and I always tell her this.

I ordered a take away last night and we "shared" it. There wasn't much focus on her eating in this instance, which I think is good, and I think she did ok. Should I tell her this or do you think it will scare her?