My OH has Annorexia, can anyone help?

seven-day-weekend

I must here stress that I have no experience of eating disorders and when I say what I am going to say, it is not to be cruel, but genuinely attempting to help this poor poor lady and her obviously loving and caring partner, and her children.

How would it be if she was shown some tough love? Such as pointing out that if she carries on with this her children will be left motherless and her partner will have lost his loved one. Does she want her children to have to go into care etc.

Now as I say this may be totally the wrong way to go but sometimes tough love DOES work, which is why I suggested it.

If I'm totally wrong, please forgive me and all you ex-anorectics don't hesitate to tell the OP I'm talking a load of bunkum.

trace_567

I'd stay away from praise when it comes to food or weight. She may have done really well and you want to tell her that, however in her mind she could actually feel worse for eating. So if you praise her she could miss read that as you thinking she's doing well, or ok. When although she probably is doing well, she won't feel it. She could inside feel worse. So kind of like I said in the other post, your body and behaviour becomes a way of showing emotions that you don't feel you can express with words, so if she thinks you believe she is doing better, when inside she feels far worse it could unconsciously stop her eating. A lot of its not done on a conscious level. Some might disagree with what i've said, and I won't say i'm right. I just remember when when I was eating in hospital I felt worse, yet nurses and family kept praising me saying how well I was doing for gaining weight and eating. But inside I just wanted to scream, I'm not doing ok. I feel worse than ever. I became frustrated that people measured my illness in a weight and food in take sense. An anorexic could be re-fed in hospital to a healthy weight, but that doesn't mean she/he is no longer an anorexia. The thought processes inside may not have changed at all. Which is when people return to old ways when they get out.

When you give her compliments I'd also stear clear from anything weight connected. Such as don't say she looks good in such and such dress etc. They can then use compliments like that to reinforce why they should stay that thin, or even lose further weight. She could misread it as "if I look good at this weight, if I gain weight I'll look fat and ugly". Its like any your mind analyzes everything people say to you regarding your weight, and builds up reasons not to change, or reasons to lose more weight.

Its better to compliment things that aren't weight affected. Such as "your hair looks really nice today", or "your eye's are beautiful", or "you have a lovely smile". But also praise good things she does. Say she does something nice for someone, so tell her your really proud of what a kind person she is etc. Or how well she's done something.

Anorexia and bulimia are difficult illnesses. It can seem that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but people do get better (not everyone) but a very large number do. For all the medical help I had, I actually got better when there was no medical support. I'd been hospitalized twice and gained weight only to lose it again after, had psychology sessions twice (two courses). I'd been sent for assessments at london eating disorder units. But I actually got better with no help from medical professionals at all in the end. It just finally clicked one day what I was doing to myself. That's when I started to get better.

trace_567

The only problem with tough love is it can re-inforce the negative thinking (of which there is a lot of with eating disorders). Such as her then believing she is a bad mother, bad partner. That she has failed people. Thus giving her more reason to punish her self with not eating.

It can work, but can also work the other way.

FizzieLizzie

trace_567 wrote: »

I'd stay away from praise when it comes to food or weight. She may have done really well and you want to tell her that, however in her mind she could actually feel worse for eating. So if you praise her she could miss read that as you thinking she's doing well, or ok. When although she probably is doing well, she won't feel it. She could inside feel worse. So kind of like I said in the other post, your body and behaviour becomes a way of showing emotions that you don't feel you can express with words, so if she thinks you believe she is doing better, when inside she feels far worse it could unconsciously stop her eating. A lot of its not done on a conscious level. Some might disagree with what i've said, and I won't say i'm right. I just remember when when I was eating in hospital I felt worse, yet nurses and family kept praising me saying how well I was doing for gaining weight and eating. But inside I just wanted to scream, I'm not doing ok. I feel worse than ever. I became frustrated that people measured my illness in a weight and food in take sense. An anorexic could be re-fed in hospital to a healthy weight, but that doesn't mean she/he is no longer an anorexia. The thought processes inside may not have changed at all. Which is when people return to old ways when they get out.

When you give her compliments I'd also stear clear from anything weight connected. Such as don't say she looks good in such and such dress etc. They can then use compliments like that to reinforce why they should stay that thin, or even lose further weight. She could misread it as "if I look good at this weight, if I gain weight I'll look fat and ugly". Its like any your mind analyzes everything people say to you regarding your weight, and builds up reasons not to change, or reasons to lose more weight.

Its better to compliment things that aren't weight affected. Such as "your hair looks really nice today", or "your eye's are beautiful", or "you have a lovely smile". But also praise good things she does. Say she does something nice for someone, so tell her your really proud of what a kind person she is etc. Or how well she's done something.

Anorexia and bulimia are difficult illnesses. It can seem that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but people do get better (not everyone) but a very large number do. For all the medical help I had, I actually got better when there was no medical support. I'd been hospitalized twice and gained weight only to lose it again after, had psychology sessions twice (two courses). I'd been sent for assessments at london eating disorder units. But I actually got better with no help from medical professionals at all in the end. It just finally clicked one day what I was doing to myself. That's when I started to get better.

i agree here, i have an eating problem and the more people say things like that the more i want to lose weight or i dont want to eat. just give her time and she will be fine it could take days, weeks, months or maybe years. it took me 7months to get back on track im gettin better so just give her time

mr_worried_3

everyone around me seems to say tough love is the best way to go. But I disagree. I have read a lot and heard a lot and the successes all appear to be from people with support, praise, and love. I think praising someone for doing something positive is far more beneficial than punishing someone for something negative.

I must admit that when she asks me how she looks I do compliment her body. I do think she's way too thin but I'm worried about how it would affect her if I told her she was to thin!? I should concentrate more on the off topic things like her smile, eyes etc.

Do you think an anorexic usually lies to his/her partner? How does bullimea work? Could a person hide such a thing from a person/partner?

findingmyownway

I don't have a massive amount of experience with this but i just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely man and she is very lucky to have you supporting her. Don't be afraid to seek help yourself though - this is a massive strain on you and its important to remember to look after yourself as well as her.

How does she cope with the kids? Are they not yours? Do you live together? Just trying to get an idea of how things look to other people - does she have any family that you can share your worries with and perhaps form a united front. Is she physically strong enough to look after the kids? From what you say about not eating for days on end at the very least she shouldn't be driving due to the risk of fainting etc.

As for the tough love approach, i am not sure there is much more you can say that you haven't already. The biggest tough love tactic would be to get her sectioned / forced into hospital for her own good. But you need the support of professionals for that - and probably her next-of-kin if you aren't married.

Do you have any idea what triggered the relapse? I am sure it wasn't you, although the tempation to blame yourself must be huge. Any financial/career/family crisis occured when her weight began to drop again? She made it to a size 10 once so she must have wanted to recover, can you talk to her about what made her recover then? Perhaps you can tap into the same feelings again?

Good luck

findingmyownway

mr_worried wrote: »

I must admit that when she asks me how she looks I do compliment her body. I do think she's way too thin but I'm worried about how it would affect her if I told her she was to thin!? I should concentrate more on the off topic things like her smile, eyes etc.

Do you think an anorexic usually lies to his/her partner? How does bullimea work? Could a person hide such a thing from a person/partner?

It sounds like she is very low on the self confidence.

If you focus on non-weight things she might think you avoiding commenting on her weight because you think she is fat. Thus re-fuelling her warped sense of self.

Anorexics do often lie and hide their issues. But it sounds like you are pretty well kept imformed. Keeping the lines of communication open is key, even if what shes saying isnt what you want to hear, its better than being totally blocked out cos then you have no idea whats going on in her head.

Bulimia is where suffers binge and then make themselves sick. Or pretend to eat normal meals and then be sick aftwards in secret. As a general rule, bulimics have a weight closer to normal that anorexics do, although of course they are no less ill. Tell tale signs would be going to the bathroom after eating, bad breath and tooth decay (from being sick), hiding food supplies etc

katiekittykat

Have you tried asking her how she thinks this effects the children?

My mother had simular problems when i was growing up and it really didn't do me any good, cos she had a negative attitude to food so did i and so did my brother, (we both went on to have problems with eating disorders)

May sound harsh, but maybe if she thinks she could harm her children in the future, it might shock her into getting help?

If all else fails, have you thought about getting her sectioned? You say she won't last 9 months on a waiting list. She needs help as soon as possible.

I don't really know what else to say apart from good luck and and lots of hugs

xxxxx

leftieM

I'm sorry for your plight OP. I think that in many ways you are powerless about what happens with your partner and her illness. On some level she has made a choice to be anorexic and it will be her choice to stop being anorexic. Perhaps someone will say something that really makes her think about her lifestyle but she has to be ready to hear it. You can't make her ready. You could say all sorts of truths to her but she has to be ready to know that they are truths.

trace_567

Anorexia falls into two categories. Restricting type - This is when bingeing and purging (vomiting, laxative abuse) do not happen regularly. So mainly its food restriction and starvation.

Binge eating/purging type is very similar to bulimia but with restriction of food between binges. Anorexia is usually deemed so if bmi is below 17.5. Anything higher will mostly get classed as bulimia if bingeing and vomiting is happening.

Bulimic behaviour can be well hidden. Put it this way I was living with my parents for over two years and they never guessed a thing. However the fact you know she has an eating disorder would make it much harder for her to hide this if it was going on.

Could she be lying to you? well to be honest yes (but i'm not saying she is). Thats not to say you don't have a close relationship or that she doesn't trust you. I had a close relationship with my b/f at the time (I was ill for a good 7 or so years) but even through he knew and he didn't prevent me from doing what I did, I still hid it as much as I could as I was ashamed. Also at times I didn't want him to know what I was doing in case he tried to stop me.

As others have said, I think she is very lucky to have you. It sounds like you care so much for her and want to do everything in your power to help her through this. I'm so glad that she has someone like this in her life. It really makes a difference to have someone understanding and supportive.

All eating disorders are dreadful conditions and can be very distressing for both the sufferer and those around them. I hope that with your support that in time she will see some light at the end of the tunnel.