Lockdown breakup - Any chance of getting back together?

benbay001

Im looking for a general perspective on whether its possible to heal a broken relationship.

Ill quote a post I made on another forum to give some background.

"My ex is Spanish.

We met 3 years ago whilst living in a shared house for 6 months.
We then did a year and a half doing long distance and then from June 2019 until last week weve been living in my small 1 bed flat.

Lockdown has been a real challange for the both of us, my flat is tiny, and she ended up working from home (but with no work to do) and i work 4 on, 4 off.
We spent about 5 months in the same room as each other, bar my time at work and her 1 walk a day and both of us suffered mentally. She picked up some really wierd traits and habbits and i was all so quick to shout at her about them.

About 3 months ago, i was really low and it seemed every time i got home from work she had done something dumb that drove me crazy. I had talked in all seriousness with both my friends and parents about what i should do, but i got over it and moved myself on and became quite content that we were just argueing because of the situation we were in and things would fix when normality returned.

It did return and infact the last month of so were quite peaceful and i really enjoyed her company.

Roll on the week before last and she flew back to Spain to complete a 1 year masters degree. (planned for a very long time)

It dawned on me when i got back from dropping her off, that she had packed all her stuff, hadnt wanted to go to bed to talk on the last week and refused to book flights to see each other.

So when we next spoke, i asked her if everything was ok and if she was planning on leaving me, i hadnt anticipated it but her answer was "yes", she was going to wait two weeks and see how she felt.

I was devastated, and although in hindsight i should have seen it coming i really had no clue.

We have messaged on and off, but her message last night really finalised things and i said my good byes.

Im a bit heart broken TBH.

I feel these things are so much easier when you can see them coming, but for some reason i didnt. She gave no clues and never picked arguements with me. I know she shouldnt have to, but if she had sat me down 3 months ago and just explained how i was being, i would have realised.

Im sure aswell, that if i had been given another month, things would have improved. The lockdown is lifting and generally you can do most things now, like it was before, but the damage has been done.

Life moves on i guess, but my god it hurts at the moment and i feel like ive been the worlds biggest idiot."

Basically, nearly a month later, im finding it really hard to move on.

I dont buy into the reasons she gave and im sure we would still be together now, happy, had it not been for lockdown.

I would like to wait until Christmas, and if i still feel any where as close to as strongly about her, i am thinking of getting back in contact.

Obviously anyone reading this will have just my version of events to go on, but I really don't know how entrenched people become in their position after a breakup.

From experience, do people change their mind? Or am I wasting my time?

Thanks

Ben

Edit: Part of me feels that once she starts her master's at the end of September, she will realise that her life in Spain wasn't all beach and Sunshine, and that lockdown, in such a small flat put enormous pressure on both of us, and an event that will never repeat its had cast a big shadow over what was once a great relationship.

Pollycat

It sounds like you were pretty vocal about the things she did/didn't do that irritated you.

And she maybe felt similar but isn't the type of person to voice things that are/were annoying her.

You say you "had talked in all seriousness with both my friends and parents about what i should do, but i got over it and moved myself on and became quite content that we were just argueing because of the situation we were in and things would fix when normality returned." but did you actually talk to her about how you were feeling?

Did you ask her how she was feeling?

It sounds like she planned carefully and secretly to end the relationship.

I'm not sure anyone can say if she'll change her mind.

All you can do is give her some time. I think waiting until Christmas to see how you feel is a good idea.

Comms69

I put it roughly 1 month per year you were together to move on from the relationship. 

You cant wait, you cant hold on. You get on with life and see where things go. 

Her reasons dont matter. She doesnt want to be together, respect that and move forward with life

sweetsand

Dear OP
There is always a chance you will get back together if both sides want that.
If one side does not, at times tvia guilt, they can return but its only a temp thing usually.
I hope it works out for the best whatever that is. Splits are always hard especially for the one that wants to stay together
but time does heal and at times looking back, one does think they were luck as a break up many years down the road is even harder from what I have seen,

Fireflyaway

I think lockdown has been really stressful for many people. However in my opinion (just my personal view, I'm no relationship expert) I think stress of any kind just magnifies how people deal with things. If you are a calm person that will show through during testing times. If you are impatient or critical, violent, loud or obnoxious, you still will be, but probably to a higher degree. Obviously these are examples, I don't mean that you are these things! 
Life throws us challenges and if you stay together, there will be illness, job loss, bereavement, financial challenges etc. It's possible the way you dealt with certain issues just didn't appeal to her and having to tolerate it long term isn't something she is prepared to accept. You admit she did things that annoyed you. Unless it was something really extreme and out of character, she will probably do those same things. You will still be annoyed. She still won't like you response..... 
I'm thinking the fact that she carefully planned to leave shows that she is certain. She has accepted it's over and has moved on. I know it's really upsetting and it's natural to grieve for what you thought your future was going to be but it's probably better to end it now than keep dragging it on. It's not a long term marriage, there are no kids involved. I'm guessing you are young? If you were my little brother / sister, id say look after yourself. Don't chase after something that's not going to work. Take time for yourself and then find a relationship where you are more compatible. Getting back together seems the obvious way to stop the hurt but if you ride through it your long term future with someone else is probably going to be happier. I'd suggest stopping contact with her and focusing on yourself. Keep yourself busy and it will gradually get easier. However you need to accept its definitely over or you won't be able to move on. 

thorsoak

Lockdown has caused many people to look at their relationships and not every relationship has survived - it sounds as if you have both been grating on the other's nerves - you have been vocal about what has annoyed you - discussing it with friends and family - did you ever discuss these things with her?   She would, I am sure, have been equally annoyed with some of your habits - but living in your flat obviously felt unable to say anything to you,   The start of her Master's Degree has precipitated her decision to make a clean break.   I would advise you just to drop her the occasional email, just to keep in touch, and see what happens.

burlingtonfl6

Concentrate on yourself. Hit the gym, go out with friends, meet new people etc etc. At the moment you are just coming to terms with the break up but she has put all this in motion and emotionally is a few weeks ahead of you ( she's already over it)
The more you text, call and want her the more you'll drive her away.
The best way to get someones attention is to remove yours!

sweetsand

burlingtonfl6 said:

Concentrate on yourself. Hit the gym, go out with friends, meet new people etc etc. At the moment you are just coming to terms with the break up but she has put all this in motion and emotionally is a few weeks ahead of you ( she's already over it)
The more you text, call and want her the more you'll drive her away.
The best way to get someones attention is to remove yours!

Good post. May I add and I reiterate that there are many times when the other does not love you and for whatever reason moved on. It nevers appears so at the time but try to treat it as a luck escape. Trust me, it's not good finding out years down the road that ones OH has been cheating on you (I don't mean you esepcially but genrally) and how people feel as one of my friends did after a good 20 years of her husband cheating on with whom she tought was her best mate no wonder she went on all the hols etc with the and stayed nights at their place.

Excercise, even walks, get washed dressed, buy some new clothes, go back to work if possible and see it as a lucky escape, but only you can help yourself as people start to shy away after hearing the same story a few times.
Good luck and I do hope it works out and most of here were wrong

x

Mingarryman

sweetsand said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Concentrate on yourself. Hit the gym, go out with friends, meet new people etc etc. At the moment you are just coming to terms with the break up but she has put all this in motion and emotionally is a few weeks ahead of you ( she's already over it)
The more you text, call and want her the more you'll drive her away.
The best way to get someones attention is to remove yours!

Good post. May I add and I reiterate that there are many times when the other does not love you and for whatever reason moved on. It nevers appears so at the time but try to treat it as a luck escape. Trust me, it's not good finding out years down the road that ones OH has been cheating on you (I don't mean you esepcially but genrally) and how people feel as one of my friends did after a good 20 years of her husband cheating on with whom she tought was her best mate no wonder she went on all the hols etc with the and stayed nights at their place.

Excercise, even walks, get washed dressed, buy some new clothes, go back to work if possible and see it as a lucky escape, but only you can help yourself as people start to shy away after hearing the same story a few times.
Good luck and I do hope it works out and most of here were wrong

x

Care to edit so the above makes some sense?

rach_k

You might still have been together if lockdown hadn't happened, but it did and you can't take back how you behaved during it.  Even if you both know you're not normally like that, it did happen and she will always know that you have the potential to become that person again.  It's not just during lockdown that things get tough; she might be asking herself how you will react to other stressful times like illness, having kids or unemployment.  

I really think you should just do your best to move on.  You might be right that she comes to realise it was just a blip, or she might feel more forgiving after some distance, but I wouldn't pin all your hopes on it.  Stay in touch as friends if you can and then it leaves the door open, but I think you should still be open to meeting somebody new when you feel up to it.

AskAsk

it sounds like she has decided that you two don't have a future together and as she is now back in spain, it was best to break up now.  she may not have plans to come back to the UK.

i would say that unless she decides to change her mind, the relationship is over.  it may be for the best as you did not feel comfortable living together.  i know it was stressful times the lockdown, but nonetheless there were personalities in each of you that caused the other irritation.