Money Moral Dilemma: Do I have to go on my spa day with the person who bought it for me?

toadhall

Just say thanks very much, I'm taking my mum/ OH/ sisiter etc. Spending the day in a bathrobe/ swim gear is not something I would like to do with someone I'm not close that to and expecially not some men I know.

Accept it as  a gift and use for yourself. if he wanted to come he should have said I'm planning a spa day, shall we go together?

Motoncarol

Definitely a gift for YOUR OWN use.  Thank him and respectfully follow up with how you enjoyed it  and a picture of the tea. 

Middlestitch

MalMonroe said:

lisaoh said:

There really is a simple answer here, just ask them! Nicely, suggest that you were thinking you might invite said person as they would really enjoy it, is that ok? If they do then suggest you taking them, suggest going as a group, then it is less pressure on you plus you get a break away too :-) 

But why bend over backwards to please someone else when the OP doesn't want to go? OP has feelings, too. And has every right to say 'thank you very much but it's not my thing, I'm sure you'd probably enjoy it better with another friend'.   

Your name gives away that you're a woman and we women do tend to put others' needs before those of ourselves but we have to stop it. Advising someone to do something they don't want to do, just to please someone else isn't really a solution. It's just an affirmation that you are someone who can be manipulated, however well meant the original gesture may have been. 

MalMonroe said:

Mojisola said:

If someone gave me two tickets or vouchers for two at an 'experience', I'd assume I could take whoever I wanted.

If they wanted to come with me, I'd have expected them to say that they'd got two tickets and would I like to join them.

I agree. But also, if I didn't want to go at all, I'd have to tell the person who gave me the tickets and ask him to gift them to someone else. This kind of outing is my absolute worst nightmare and I wouldn't be able to pretend anything else. 

How astonishingly rude - and hurtful for the giver. I'd accept graciously (and no, it isn't a female thing as you sweepingly assert) and quietly give the tickets away to someone else.

JayD

Pollycat said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

Do I need to invite him or can I go with someone else?

No you don't.
Yes you can.


Maybe have a think about his dependency on you...

Ditto.

John_Gray

I'm baffled by the apparent assumption that a man might want to go on a Spa Day...! 

[Deleted User]

MalMonroe said:

lisaoh said:

There really is a simple answer here, just ask them! Nicely, suggest that you were thinking you might invite said person as they would really enjoy it, is that ok? If they do then suggest you taking them, suggest going as a group, then it is less pressure on you plus you get a break away too :-) 

But why bend over backwards to please someone else when the OP doesn't want to go? OP has feelings, too. And has every right to say 'thank you very much but it's not my thing, I'm sure you'd probably enjoy it better with another friend'.   

Your name gives away that you're a woman and we women do tend to put others' needs before those of ourselves but we have to stop it. Advising someone to do something they don't want to do, just to please someone else isn't really a solution. It's just an affirmation that you are someone who can be manipulated, however well meant the original gesture may have been. 

The OP doesn’t say that the recipient doesn’t want to go to the spa just that the recipient doesn’t want to go with the person who gave the gift.  The person who gave the gift doesn’t appear to have said that he wants to join his friend at the spa either. 

I think this is just someone the OP has helped doing something nice for the OP. Something he thought the OP would enjoy with whomever the OP chooses to take. 

[Deleted User]

sweetsand said:

Dear OP
A very, very tricky one.
IMHO, the other person is getting seriously attached to you but IMO you are not.
Therefore, it is a time for a clear message to be sent by way of thanking the friend for the very kind gesture and letting the friend know you are taking out your OH/family/friend/etc and will update them when you next see this friend. IMO, the longer you leave something, the more it will hurt when it hapens.

x

Where are you getting that the other person is getting seriously attached from? All I see is one friend giving another friend who’s been kind in a time of need a nice present to enjoy. 

loulou777777777

Invite the person you’d like to go with, go on the spa day, thank the gifter afterwards and say you had such a lovely time. Definitely don’t feel obliged to invite the gifter. 

Pollycat

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Where are you getting that the other person is getting seriously attached from? All I see is one friend giving another friend who’s been kind in a time of need a nice present to enjoy. 

People see different things in the same written words.

I posted something similar:

Pollycat said:

Maybe have a think about his dependency on you...

That was based on the comment:

An old school friend has recently had some health problems - I've been visiting him and taking him out on day trips as he doesn't get out much otherwise. He's bought me a voucher for afternoon tea and a spa day for two for my birthday, as a thank you. I think he might be expecting to come with me, but I'd feel so uncomfortable going to a spa with him. Do I need to invite him or can I go with someone else?

The OP must have got a feeling that this friend might be expecting to go to the spa day - otherwise she wouldn't have posted it.

I didn't say - and didn't imply - that there was a serious attachment.

However, the poster you quoted did say that - in those exact terms.

siftandthrift

I may be wrong but I think others are missing the point here. It sounds as though this is more about not wanting to go with the person who has bought the gift than wanting to go with another person instead. In my opinion, if someone has misjudged whether you would like to go to a spa day with them (which as others have said is an intimate thing to do usually done by couples) then that is quite an odd thing to do (I would say a bit weird) and you definitely shouldn't go with them out of guilt. It doesn't matter if it's a question of romance or just intimacy, but you shouldn't ever feel guilt tripped into either. It sounds as though your general relationship may be based around feeling guilty anyway - the person maybe well meaning but they will learn (or may have done already) that making you feel guilty means that they get to see you. Unfortunately you will need to show them that this is not the case, or it will only carry on.