Money Moral Dilemma: Do I have to go on my spa day with the person who bought it for me?

MalMonroe

A spa day is quite an intimate thing to share with someone. I can understand how you wouldn't feel comfortable going with this person. But it's your gift, he gave it to you. If you decide you even want to accept this gift, you can take who you like.

But if someone gave me a spa day gift, I wouldn't want it. I'd have to say that it was really very generous/kind of him but it's too much and I really can't accept, thank you. Then he can take who he likes. Sounds like he'd enjoy it. I hate it when people do things and then expect other people to be mind readers. It's such a British thing to do. 

If you ask your friend whether or not he intended for you to take him, that's going to get embarrassing because then you'll either feel forced into going with him, or you'll upset him because you don't want to go. Why not just say thanks very much but no thanks? After all, your feelings count, too!

MalMonroe

lisaoh said:

There really is a simple answer here, just ask them! Nicely, suggest that you were thinking you might invite said person as they would really enjoy it, is that ok? If they do then suggest you taking them, suggest going as a group, then it is less pressure on you plus you get a break away too :-) 

But why bend over backwards to please someone else when the OP doesn't want to go? OP has feelings, too. And has every right to say 'thank you very much but it's not my thing, I'm sure you'd probably enjoy it better with another friend'.   

Your name gives away that you're a woman and we women do tend to put others' needs before those of ourselves but we have to stop it. Advising someone to do something they don't want to do, just to please someone else isn't really a solution. It's just an affirmation that you are someone who can be manipulated, however well meant the original gesture may have been. 

MalMonroe

Mojisola said:

If someone gave me two tickets or vouchers for two at an 'experience', I'd assume I could take whoever I wanted.

If they wanted to come with me, I'd have expected them to say that they'd got two tickets and would I like to join them.

I agree. But also, if I didn't want to go at all, I'd have to tell the person who gave me the tickets and ask him to gift them to someone else. This kind of outing is my absolute worst nightmare and I wouldn't be able to pretend anything else. 

MalMonroe

Sandtree said:

kangoora said:

swingaloo said:

I was once given a pair of concert tickets by someone I had done a huge favour for.  As far as I knew she wasn't even a fan of the person the tickets were to see and it never crossed my mind she was expecting to go with me. 
I took my husband to the concert and it was only while in conversation with a mutual friend some time later that I found out that the person who gave me the tickets had assumed I would be taking her and had been quite upset that I didn't. I have never broached the subject with her but I was left feeling quite guilty. 

So the friend that gave you the gift was actually (in her own mind) only giving you half a gift

Or a full gift and test of friendship 

"test of friendship"??? If that were the case, that would be an ex-friend of mine! Anyone who wants to test my friendship, I don't want as a friend.

REJP

Whatever has happened to honesty?   Instead of faffing around pretending this is a moral dilemma, tell your friend you would be uncomfortable going into the spa with him.  Then he knows where he stands with you, and will either ask for tickets back or say go with a friend.
Then take it from there without all this angst.  I take it you are both adults able to discuss things rationally?

keepersteve

Absolutely not! It’s a gift to you and you can use it how you choose. If they wanted to go with you they should have asked you outright as a guest rather than “gift” it you. If you want to be extremely courteous about it you could explain you would like to take your partner/mum/friend who have also had a tough time throughout lockdown. But there really is no obligation to do anything other than to thank them for the lovely guest. Any poor reaction from them, would suggest they have the problem, and I would question whether the “gift” had an ulterior motive.

keepersteve

keepersteve said:

Absolutely not! It’s a gift to you and you can use it how you choose. If they wanted to go with you they should have asked you outright as a guest rather than “gift” it you. If you want to be extremely courteous about it you could explain you would like to take your partner/mum/friend who have also had a tough time throughout lockdown. But there really is no obligation to do anything other than to thank them for the lovely guest. Any poor reaction from them, would suggest they have the problem, and I would question whether the “gift” had an ulterior motive.

*gesture not guest!! 🙈

Deedee9

Its a voucher so I would just mention in passing that you are having to sort out dates and stuff with both the spa and a friend - with Covid causing a problem with the lack of dates. I would have thought that they could have booked an afternoon tea if you are visiting regularly? Maybe its not their thing - only you would know. Also it was a birthday gift!

Rosa_Damascena

REJP said:

Whatever has happened to honesty?   Instead of faffing around pretending this is a moral dilemma, tell your friend you would be uncomfortable going into the spa with him.  Then he knows where he stands with you, and will either ask for tickets back or say go with a friend.
Then take it from there without all this angst.  I take it you are both adults able to discuss things rationally?

Agree with this.


Although it's easier not to accept gifts. They can be pleasant surprises but are often loaded with expectations of reciprocation.

onwards&upwards

MalMonroe said:

Mojisola said:

If someone gave me two tickets or vouchers for two at an 'experience', I'd assume I could take whoever I wanted.

If they wanted to come with me, I'd have expected them to say that they'd got two tickets and would I like to join them.

I agree. But also, if I didn't want to go at all, I'd have to tell the person who gave me the tickets and ask him to gift them to someone else. This kind of outing is my absolute worst nightmare and I wouldn't be able to pretend anything else. 

Rejecting a gift like that is really rude and unkind.  If you are given something you don't like just accept graciously and figure out what to do with it afterwards.