Do you understand your partner?

Takmon

ElephantBoy57 said:

I haven't held hands or touched my girlfriend since April. Not sure if lockdown is being used as an excuse, as I believe the government now allow couples to be 'together'. I believe she genuinely does worry about COVID. We go for a walk once per week, or less. A relative was telling me how she didn't feel close to her BF, so she walked away.

Maybe it's a thing that older people do, I am 59

She does have commitment issues. Talks about previous disasters with men. But I am struggling with the lack of closeness. We were intimate last year and early this year.

I do get stressed, but I want to keep trying to make it work.

I am younger than you but considering there was 2 and half months this year without any lockdown and you have only been intimate one this year and once last year i certainly wouldn't call her a girlfriend or partner. 

Even with Covid19 it's not much riskier to hold hands if your already going for a walk together anyway, especially if you have used hand sanitiser before. 

I would say you need to openly discuss this with her but think of her as someone you are "seeing" instead of a girlfriend so you don't get your hopes up just in case it doesn't go anywhere. 

mason's_mum

this is a tricky one as to be honest everything you've described seems to point to either her having way more than a normal level of anxiety, or her not being that into you. I know Covid hasn't gone away, but unless you're both doing high risk jobs or not practicing social distancing, then I would suggest the risk is very low.
You say you prefer the little contact that you have over nothing, but if you were honest with yourself, I think that you would admit that you want more from the relationship than she is currently giving you.
Only you know how long you're prepared to wait, but I would suggest a gentle conversation, trying to find out where she stands and if there's anything bothering her so you can work out whether it's something you can see improving, or whether you look for something "more". just be prepared for her to say some things you may not want to hear, but in my opinion it's better to know where you stand, even if it's not where you want to be standing!
Good luck, I hope you manage to resolve everything!

sweetsand

ElephantBoy57 said:

I haven't held hands or touched my girlfriend since April. Not sure if lockdown is being used as an excuse, as I believe the government now allow couples to be 'together'. I believe she genuinely does worry about COVID. We go for a walk once per week, or less. A relative was telling me how she didn't feel close to her BF, so she walked away.

Maybe it's a thing that older people do, I am 59

She does have commitment issues. Talks about previous disasters with men. But I am struggling with the lack of closeness. We were intimate last year and early this year.

I do get stressed, but I want to keep trying to make it work.

We are all different. What works for one does not for the other. What works one day, won't the other, -what makes you happy now may not make you happy later. life is complexed and there is no easy way to make it happen for two people if one of them is
not on the same wavelenght or does not want to be.
I've found that usudally ladies want more space and time to themselves than men and men sulk more, well from what I have seen.
IMHO, listening and acting on this is the key though it may not be to your taste.

ElephantBoy57

sweetsand said:

Life is complexed and there is no easy way to make it happen for two people if one of them is not on the same wavelenght or does not want to be.
I've found that usudally ladies want more space and time to themselves than men and men sulk more, well from what I have seen.

We have both been on our own for a long time, she seems quite happy with this. I am not sure how much things will change when she stops worrying about COVID. We do text each other every day, again, which she seems happier with. It was ok before COVID, but I am obviously feeling insecure because I want more.

No COVID deaths today, in UK hospitals, but not sure she will stop worrying.

ElephantBoy57

mason's_mum said:

this is a tricky one as to be honest everything you've described seems to point to either her having way more than a normal level of anxiety, or her not being that into you. I know Covid hasn't gone away, but unless you're both doing high risk jobs or not practicing social distancing, then I would suggest the risk is very low.
You say you prefer the little contact that you have over nothing, but if you were honest with yourself, I think that you would admit that you want more from the relationship than she is currently giving you.

Things haven't changed, I try to talk about things, on messenger, but get no-where. She said that we may meet up today, weather permitting, so I didn't message her, I just took the dog for a walk on my own.

Then later, when I messaged her, she said that she had a headache. I thought that was just an excuse and she was being dishonest. Not good since we have been going out for over 12 months.

I do recall her saying, what is a relationship, maybe she was trying to say that she does want to be in one. But she never calls a spade a spade. She does seem to lack emotion, that is how she is.

I may not bother asking her out next weekend and see if says anything. She never asks me out.

pollyanna_26

ElephantBoy57 said:

mason's_mum said:

this is a tricky one as to be honest everything you've described seems to point to either her having way more than a normal level of anxiety, or her not being that into you. I know Covid hasn't gone away, but unless you're both doing high risk jobs or not practicing social distancing, then I would suggest the risk is very low.
You say you prefer the little contact that you have over nothing, but if you were honest with yourself, I think that you would admit that you want more from the relationship than she is currently giving you.

Things haven't changed, I try to talk about things, on messenger, but get no-where. She said that we may meet up today, weather permitting, so I didn't message her, I just took the dog for a walk on my own.

Then later, when I messaged her, she said that she had a headache. I thought that was just an excuse and she was being dishonest. Not good since we have been going out for over 12 months.

I do recall her saying, what is a relationship, maybe she was trying to say that she does want to be in one. But she never calls a spade a spade. She does seem to lack emotion, that is how she is.

I may not bother asking her out next weekend and see if says anything. She never asks me out.

I may be wrong but your comment about her saying what is a relationship and her seeming to lack emotion may point to her being on the spectrum. I volunteered for a number of years with both youngsters and adults. It's common for those sort of issues to crop up.

Those who haven't had the necessary support earlier in life tend to try to learn about life by trying to imitate others.

On the other hand she could be fearful of contracting Covid. My youngest daughter now mid thirties has multiple health disorders which put her at serious risk. She had some intensive counselling a few years ago as having a limited existence had left her with agoraphobia and overwhelming anxiety issues.

She was told to shield by her GP and Consultants in early March before the letters went out. We are in tier 3 at the moment and the advice remains the same.

She has coped better than I hoped but understands she must follow the medical advice given.

It's a scary time for many at risk. This situation isn't going to end quickly and the sensible ones safeguard their health and those who love them support their choice.

As I say it may not be either of those scenarios . If she's not talking either send her an email gently trying to engage with her without putting pressure on. Just ask if she's ok. The other choice is phoning her but you can say things in an email in a more thought out manner than a phone call going in different directions.

It's useful to bear in mind that as the days shorten and we head towards winter many with serious health conditions would normally be limiting going out unless necessary due to Flu and Norovirus season. This year Covid is added to the risk too.

polly

[Deleted User]

Have you considered that it could just be that she's just not into you ?
Leave off contact completely, if she's interested she'll get in touch with you and if she doesn't - there's your answer.

Aranyani

Takmon said:

ElephantBoy57 said:

I haven't held hands or touched my girlfriend since April. Not sure if lockdown is being used as an excuse, as I believe the government now allow couples to be 'together'. I believe she genuinely does worry about COVID. We go for a walk once per week, or less. A relative was telling me how she didn't feel close to her BF, so she walked away.

Maybe it's a thing that older people do, I am 59

She does have commitment issues. Talks about previous disasters with men. But I am struggling with the lack of closeness. We were intimate last year and early this year.

I do get stressed, but I want to keep trying to make it work.

I am younger than you but considering there was 2 and half months this year without any lockdown 

That does depend on where you live. 

74jax

ElephantBoy57 said:

mason's_mum said:

this is a tricky one as to be honest everything you've described seems to point to either her having way more than a normal level of anxiety, or her not being that into you. I know Covid hasn't gone away, but unless you're both doing high risk jobs or not practicing social distancing, then I would suggest the risk is very low.
You say you prefer the little contact that you have over nothing, but if you were honest with yourself, I think that you would admit that you want more from the relationship than she is currently giving you.

She said that we may meet up today, weather permitting, so I didn't message her, I just took the dog for a walk on my own.

Then later, when I messaged her, she said that she had a headache. 

I may not bother asking her out next weekend and see if says anything. She never asks me out.

I'd just leave it to be honest, but it's easy for me to say when I'm looking from outside. 
Go about your day to day stuff, make plans to do other things (don't hold off doing things 'just in case'), if she messages to do something and you have plans then unfortunately 'sorry I'm already doing xyz' should suffice.  ou can't wait around for her to decided she want's to see you today.

ElephantBoy57

pollyanna_26 said:

I may be wrong but your comment about her saying what is a relationship and her seeming to lack emotion may point to her being on the spectrum.

She does like to do the same things, but I don't think she is on the spectrum.

She seems to fear getting too close, because she has had break-ups before. Her ideal relationship seems to be a very part-time. I did meet her sons at Christmas, but I have never met her parents.