Do you understand your partner?

ElephantBoy57

I haven't held hands or touched my girlfriend since April. Not sure if lockdown is being used as an excuse, as I believe the government now allow couples to be 'together'. I believe she genuinely does worry about COVID. We go for a walk once per week, or less. A relative was telling me how she didn't feel close to her BF, so she walked away.

Maybe it's a thing that older people do, I am 59

She does have commitment issues. Talks about previous disasters with men. But I am struggling with the lack of closeness. We were intimate last year and early this year.

I do get stressed, but I want to keep trying to make it work.

MalMonroe

No, it isn't a thing older people do at all. But I'm struck by the fact that you don't mention any affection or love or emotion you feel for your girlfriend. Nor do you seem able to have any conversation with her about how you feel, or how she feels or anything. You talk about lack of closeness and 'being intimate' which is so very 1800s, yet you're only 59. 

If you want your relationship to work, you will have to talk to her. Ask her what she wants. Does she want to continue with you? Or is it over? 

And for goodness' sake, if you do both decide to carry on, PLEASE get some romance cooking! You can be romantic at any age, it isn't just for the young!!

tacpot12

I, too, haven't held hands or touched my partner since April. (We are close to your age.) She has underlying health conditions that means she is particularly vulnerable to Covid-19. She is fearful that if she catches it then she will be very ill, and probably die as a result. But being physically close and intimate is all we have stopped doing together. We do everything else as much as we ever did, including celebrating our anniversary. I do understand her reaction to Covid-19, and while I consider some times she over-reacts, I accept that she is as human as I am and is genuinely scared. Covid-19 is a particularly nasty virus.
I can't offer much advice other than to look at your partner with love and realise that she has not really changed since lockdown. I think it is a natural reaction to want to protect herself first. If she has been exhorting you to take precautions against the virus it will be because she cares about you and wants you to be around once things can return to normal.

ElephantBoy57

tacpot12 said:

I, too, haven't held hands or touched my partner since April. (We are close to your age.) But being physically close and intimate is all we have stopped doing together. We do everything else as much as we ever did, including celebrating our anniversary. I do understand her reaction to Covid-19, and while I consider some times she over-reacts,

I do get that she worries, but I guess the thing is that we didn't do many things together before. We were chatting last night, she was saying that she worries about who I mix with.

I used to ask her, do you want to do this or do that, her response is always no thanks. No alternative, like can we do this instead or maybe newxt week.

ElephantBoy57

MalMonroe said:

If you want your relationship to work, you will have to talk to her. Ask her what she wants. Does she want to continue with you? Or is it over?

I ask her to do or go places, its always just no. Meeting once per week seems to be the limit. I prefer the little contact we have now, to nothing, if the reason is genuine, which it seems to be.

Comms69

ElephantBoy57 said:

I haven't held hands or touched my girlfriend since April. Not sure if lockdown is being used as an excuse, as I believe the government now allow couples to be 'together'. I believe she genuinely does worry about COVID. We go for a walk once per week, or less. A relative was telling me how she didn't feel close to her BF, so she walked away.

Maybe it's a thing that older people do, I am 59

She does have commitment issues. Talks about previous disasters with men. But I am struggling with the lack of closeness. We were intimate last year and early this year.

I do get stressed, but I want to keep trying to make it work.

Despite headlines, the govt has no say in who you sleep with. 

If you're meeting up, there's no real reason to avoid closeness. 

hb2

Do yopu think your partner might have developed a bit of 'social anxiety' since lockdown? I think a lot of people have found it difficult to get out and about again after weeks of being at home.

ElephantBoy57

hb2 said:

Do yopu think your partner might have developed a bit of 'social anxiety' since lockdown? I think a lot of people have found it difficult to get out and about again after weeks of being at home.

She has always been on that side of the spectrum, so COVID has made things worse. It's partly down to our relationship too, which isn't helping.

I find online communication can be a hindrance, although it may suit her very well and in these circumstances.

Fireflyaway

Everybody will have a different approach but if this happened to me I would just ask. It's not nice to have these worries going round your head. It could be nothing to worry about. I've noticed family members change in their behaviour and attitude since March because of the restrictions and change in routine. Or it could be she is hinting that she wants to be left alone but doesn't want to hurt you by saying it. Meeting just once a week seems quite conservative. 
If you go for a walk and just spontaneously hold her hand what happens? Maybe go for a walk and part way through just ask. It seems you are being really considerate and patient, which is great but it can't go on this way indefinitely, that's unfair on you. 

RobM99

hb2 said:

Do yopu think your partner might have developed a bit of 'social anxiety' since lockdown? I think a lot of people have found it difficult to get out and about again after weeks of being at home.

This is my situation. Met some one new (we're both 63) then Boom! Covid! We sit in the garden for (How very British) tea and biscuits!   (Crumbs, I feel old). Romance on hold....

ElephantBoy57

RobM99 said:

This is my situation. Met some one new (we're both 63) then Boom! Covid! We sit in the garden for (How very British) tea and biscuits!   (Crumbs, I feel old). Romance on hold....

My sister(68) was dating someone and they decided to keep seeing each other as normal, but it ended for other reasons.