Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay extra child maintenance during lockdown?

gt27

So I’m really appalled by lots of advice on this page! I am a ‘step’ mum to a three year old girl  (no children of my own) and my partner has been in a similar situation due to covid which people have to remember most hasn't lived through anything like this before so how each family chooses to deal with their own personal situation is different.

we made the decision (with her mother) to keep my partners child in one household to minimise the risk to health all round (there is another child in the mothers household too with a seperate father who doesn’t live in) so sometimes life’s not so black and white. Mixing 3 households would put all involved at risk and I personally feel it’s very selfless and an act of love to keep children and their family safe by sacrificing time with them so shame on those being judgemental in this situation.

Facetime was regular during the time that the child was living only with the mother.

child maintenance was not upped (csa are not adjusting any cases anyway due to covid) BUT a message was sent to ask if the child needed anything initially and regular gifts were sent by post. I would encourage asking The mother if the child needs anything from you financially.

I’m sure if the child was in need the mother of said child in this case would surely message to ask for support. I imagine if the maintenance payment only takes into account a deduction for four overnight stays on the weekend as you claim you aren’t paying that much less than the full 28 days. 

Most people’s living costs have gone down slightly as not been paying the general fees of life e.g transport, activities relating to children. I imagine your support you gave continued to clothe and feed them throughout. 

I agree that the emotional need/mental health risk to the child starts to outweigh the health risks and as things are now easing I would suggest rather than upping maintenance just try and start seeing the child even if it’s just a trip to a park local to them for an hour. But if this can’t be done once again everyone’s situation is different.

[Deleted User]

Whether or not you have been able to see your children is irrelevant, they are your children and you should always contribute to their maintenance.  This arrangement was not forced on you, you were part of the decision-making.  I think you are being something of an a**e to even consider not making your usual contribution, (ie cost of weekend maintenance) which is what you are suggesting.  You have handed over all the care of your children to your ex-partner at this difficult time, you should be considering offering more support than usual, not less.

Savvy_Sue

Comms69 said:

Sorry but do people saying "seeing your kids has no effect on child maintenance" have the first clue how child maintenance is calculated?.... #facepalm

They are countering the "my ex won't let me see the children so I'm not paying any maintenance" school of thought, and the "if I ask for maintenance my ex will insist on seeing the children and I don't want them to, what can I do" school of thought. 

Yes, CSA claims are based on the number of nights the child(ren) stay with each parent, but it is due to be paid whether or not there is contact. 

Sugr23

Discussions about child maintenance get heated very quickly because responders tend to project their own experiences instead of reading what the OP has actually said!

I'm sorry OP you have been called an a**e, accused of trying to wriggle out of paying anything at all and told you need to step up. I fear the worst of the bashing is yet to come!

I think being reasonable always wins in these situations. If both parents can be reasonable that benefits the children. Try to come up with an amicable agreement between yourselves based on what the children need and what you can both afford. If you are communicating well that is great!

But bare in mind you will probably want to see your children more in the coming months to make up for the 'lost' visits.  Maybe you are going to want to have them for an extra week in the school holidays or an extra half term later in the year? You have to be able to fund these.

The reality is that many NRPs have to live extremely frugally day to day and budget carefully. If you give more to RP now will she or he reciprocate later if the situation is reversed? 

I bet that during lockdown for every RP asking for more money there were just as many NRPs putting in significant extra time for no reduction in maintenance. 

Comms69

Savvy_Sue said:

Comms69 said:

Sorry but do people saying "seeing your kids has no effect on child maintenance" have the first clue how child maintenance is calculated?.... #facepalm

They are countering the "my ex won't let me see the children so I'm not paying any maintenance" school of thought, and the "if I ask for maintenance my ex will insist on seeing the children and I don't want them to, what can I do" school of thought. 

Yes, CSA claims are based on the number of nights the child(ren) stay with each parent, but it is due to be paid whether or not there is contact. 

The OP had no such intentions though. 

Though people who withhold access are as bad as those who don't pay maintenance in my book. 

Comms69

Sugr23 said:

Discussions about child maintenance get heated very quickly because responders tend to project their own experiences instead of reading what the OP has actually said!

I'm sorry OP you have been called an a**e, accused of trying to wriggle out of paying anything at all and told you need to step up. I fear the worst of the bashing is yet to come!

I think being reasonable always wins in these situations. If both parents can be reasonable that benefits the children. Try to come up with an amicable agreement between yourselves based on what the children need and what you can both afford. If you are communicating well that is great!

But bare in mind you will probably want to see your children more in the coming months to make up for the 'lost' visits.  Maybe you are going to want to have them for an extra week in the school holidays or an extra half term later in the year? You have to be able to fund these.

The reality is that many NRPs have to live extremely frugally day to day and budget carefully. If you give more to RP now will she or he reciprocate later if the situation is reversed? 

I bet that during lockdown for every RP asking for more money there were just as many NRPs putting in significant extra time for no reduction in maintenance. 

Certainly the case for myself - thankfully we are being quite reasonable with one another and flexible as both need to be to fiyt in other commitments. 

I agree with you 100% btw the OP has got a rough time for no reason whatsoever and in general people being reasonable and talking will be better for everyone, especially child(ren)

Teeheedeedee

tangledspaghetti said:

It’s not about “paying to see your kids”.
It’s about not spending on their food and activities that you’d normally fund whilst they are with you in the weekends.

I’m wondering why you decided not to stick to the usual routine. It sounds like this was a joint decision and I’m guessing  that one of you has a high risk job or medical condition that would make the transfer of children between the homes extra risky. 

I’m more troubled that the children haven’t seen one of their parents for over three months, I hope you're managed to stay in contact via video chat regularly. 

If you calculated your spending g in the children every weekend and offered three months worth to your ex to make up the extra she’s had to pay it you can afford to, I’m sure she’d greatly appreciate the gesture. Fostering a good relationship with your ex is possibly the best thing you can do for your children to be honest - so if you think it will be well received, do it! 

YESSS!! 

@tangledspaghetti

 You totally get it!! *Clapping* 

rach_k

I'd suggest speaking to your ex and find out what he/she thinks.

I've actually found that we've been better off during lock down - no swimming lessons to pay for, no summer uniforms or new school shoes bought, no school trips or events to pay for and the extra food has been paid for by the saving of not paying for school lunches.  Your ex might be doing quite well and not be bothered about you paying more.  However, if that is the case I'd suggest that you offer to put the money you've saved aside and use it for something for the kids in the future.  Maybe a trip somewhere, or spending money for hols with your partner, or pay for their next birthday party or even just put it into their savings.  That way, your ex won't have any reason to feel hard-done-by.  

vickygallagher

You don't pay to see your children, I can't believe this is even a question tbh. Over lockdown, our food bill went up as we were in 24/7. Your partner would have probably been exactly same.

Comms69

vickygallagher said:

You don't pay to see your children, I can't believe this is even a question tbh. Over lockdown, our food bill went up as we were in 24/7. Your partner would have probably been exactly same.

Funny the OP didnt say that....