Husband wants to donate his body to medical science, dont know how to feel.

swingaloo

My husband has often said in a jokey kind of way that when he is gone he will donate his body to medical science. I've joked along in a kind of 'What on earth are they going to do with that body' kind of way. Lately he has mentioned it more to the point where we had quite a serious talk about it a couple of weeks ago because I've realised it has gone past the joke stage and he really does want to do it.
We looked into it online and have contacted the nearest teaching hospital who are sending us the required information pack and some forms to sign if he wants to go ahead.
I don't know how to feel about it all. One the one hand I want to respect his wishes and he does keep saying that if it upsets me then he will not do it. But I know that its really what he wants and so feel I should support his decision.
But the more I think about it the more probably irrational thoughts I'm having. The body is taken away straight away, embalmed and then kept for use for 2-3 years then cremated.
On the one hand it seems so quick and final after death to just be 'gone'. I know you are gone anyway but previously when someone close has died there has been that final visit to the funeral home and of course seeing the burial or the body being left at the crematorium and with body donation there is none of that. I'm also not sure how it will feel to know that his body is stored somewhere and that on any given day over the following couple of years it could be on a table somewhere being cut open rather than at peace. There will be no ashes, nowhere to visit him and its just the 'nothing' thing that I'm unhappy about. On the other hand I think its a kind of generous thing to want to do. 
 At the moment he is at the 'If you are not ok with this then just say so and I wont do it' stage whilst I am trying not to discuss it too often as I'm not sure I'm happy with it but I don't want to prevent him doing what he wants and I know that if I say I'm unhappy with it he wont do it and then I will feel responsible for stopping him doing what he really wants.
Just wondered if anyone has experience of a loved one doing this and if so how did you feel about it and cope.

Fireflyaway

I don't have personal experience so I hope you don't mind me posting. I just wanted to suggest, could you find a way that would allow you to have some sort of tangible reminder of your husband ? Like a lock of hair put into a nice piece of jewellery? You could also still have a celebration of his life. Maybe plant a tree or have a memorial bench out in a place that's special to him? Then you have some closure and a place to go / keepsake . 

Spendless

Why don't you wait tll the literature comes read it and then discuss it?
Do they accept everyone who offers?
The only person I ever heard of doing this. was a friend's uncle and it was his sibling (friend's aunt) who told me the story. I'll repeat best I can so excuse me if there's holes in it. Uncle had never married or had children and his sister (the aunt) who worked at a funeral directors who asked him what he would do re a funeral, donate to medical science was his answer and he filled out the forms etc, whatever you do. He died durig the summer and wherever it was that he should have gone to didn't accept him because of that (closed/reduced staff??). His sister instead asked her workplace for a 'mates rates' funeral instead.
If the above is correct, I'd discuss what his plan B is.  

belfastgirl23

I have relatives whose father did this and they were ok about it. He was diagnosed with a type of cancer that typically has a short life expectancy and lived three more years than expected so this may have helped them come to terms with it. They felt calm about it when he died in the sense that they were honouring his wishes, but then again, they had time to come to terms with the fact that he was dying and were there when he passed away. However I have a friend whose father just died a couple of days ago and in current COVID times they can’t bring his body home and she is devastated because she feels she hasn’t had closure or been able to view the body (this is very much the tradition in Northern Ireland). So I can see that it could be quite different if someone died very suddenly for example. From that perspective I would also find it deeply unsettling. 

First off, perhaps more information would help. For example the body would most likely be embalmed fairly quickly anyway, if someone donates their body to science is there any provision for loved ones to spend time with them after the embalming? Also I know someone involved in teaching anatomy and a key priority is that the donated bodies are treated with respect. Students have a service at the end of the year to acknowledge those who have donated their bodies. So you could frame this in your mind as your husband continuing to help other people even after he died. To me, if I worked at it I could think of this in the same way as donating a kidney and be able to live with the fact that some part of my loved one was still helping other people. But you need to figure this out for you of course. Bear in mind too that you are worrying about how you would feel at the thought of your loved one being cut up, but believe me, you can also have disturbing thoughts if someone is buried. 

I wonder if you maybe need a bit more time to think about it Could you say you’d prefer not to for now but promise to revisit the discussion every year on his birthday for as long as he is still thinking about it (or say a week after if that’s too morbid). I’d say you would need time to get used to the idea and by time I would measure that in years not weeks....thinking about a loved one’s death is hard.

cymruchris

It’s not something I’ve experienced - but very much commend his choice to do so. I can really understand where you’re coming from, however I can also understand his wishes. Through his actions, future doctors will have a better understanding of how things work, and will experience greater knowledge through people like your husband who have decided they’d like to do this. Through his actions, he’s indirectly helping a huge swathe of people in the future. I can only see that as being a positive thing. Imagine that thanks to your husband, a doctor might have the knowledge to ensure they do the right thing and save someone’s life.

That might be quite a simplistic view - but imagine that your husbands body had saved just one additional life. That one person would never know of your husband - but that one life would be saved. It’s probably going to be more like tens to hundreds of lives that will be improved or saved as a result of the training and research, so I would fully support him in his choice, but you’d need to work out a way that you could give him his send off in a different way that would allow you closure, the ability to say goodbye, and celebrate his life, whilst also celebrating the fact that although he’s no longer with you, he will be helping others for years to come. 

Socajam

Me personally, just because you are married does not mean you own his body.
If that is what he wants, give him your blessing and as Spendless said, get a piece of his hair or something to remember him by.
Mine wants to be cremated.  I saw my Dad cremated and did not like it: said it was too final.
But I came to the decision that it was his body and his choice.  Just like I have a choice what I want do so with mine, so should he.
I have asked him to ensure that his family is fully aware that he wants cremation because I do not want them to think that it is my choice.
What really gets me is when people promise someone that they would do something and when that person dies, they go totally against that person's wishes.  That is totally dishonouring their wishes.

OldMusicGuy

My wife and I both plan on donating our bodies to medical science, provided we are acceptable. My wife trained as a podiatrist so relied on dissecting bodies that had been left to medical science when she was training. It's no different to donating organs after death IMO and will help the next generation of medical practitioners save lives. However, like Spendless says, your hubby might need a plan B if for some reason his body isn't accepted.

However, I am not the slightest bit religious and feel that when you're dead, you're dead. I can't see it makes any difference to watch a box going into the ground or through some curtains to be burned to the way I would remember someone. But of course YMMV.

swingaloo

Thank you all for the replies. I know I am probably being a bit silly and I do want to support his decision really. Just to answer a few of the points raised. They are not taking anyone at all at the moment due to Covid. They also will not take a body if there has to be a autopsy so you do need to make a Plan B just in case. As for spending time with a loved one after embalming, that is not allowed. the body has to be mover very quickly after death and you must live within 25 miles of the teaching hospital for this reason. I think that's part of my concern, the very fast finality of it. 
I do appreciate the comments, its already made me look at it more in terms of how much he will be helping others so maybe a need to dwell on that more than the other things. At the moment he is in quite good health and all this may be irrelevant as he is younger than me but I don't want to put the conversation off for too long as if anything did happen and he hadn't signed the paperwork then I would feel that I had let him down.
Thank you all.

74jax

A friend donated her body.  The forms were completed and she had to die of natural causes, no RTA etc. And in a home or hospital where a doctor would confirm death and cause quickly as the  body was collected very quickly and taken to a university morgue. We were kept informed (as much as we wanted to be).  About a week later we were told the body was being used for kidney research.
We had a funeral service, with no coffin, but everything else was the same and teas afterwards.
Some months after the family were given some 'remains' which they scattered.
It was a privilege to learn about this, and I have signed up following. 

sammyjammy

74jax said:

A friend donated her body.  The forms were completed and she had to die of natural causes, no RTA etc. And in a home or hospital where a doctor would confirm death and cause quickly as the  body was collected very quickly and taken to a university morgue. We were kept informed (as much as we wanted to be).  About a week later we were told the body was being used for kidney research.
We had a funeral service, with no coffin, but everything else was the same and teas afterwards.
Some months after the family were given some 'remains' which they scattered.
It was a privilege to learn about this, and I have signed up following. 

This doesn't sound right. They use the bodies for anatomy training for doctors and other medics, they do not use them for research

Mojisola

sammyjammy said:

This doesn't sound right. They use the bodies for anatomy training for doctors and other medics, they do not use them for research

They can be -

"Body donations are highly valued by staff and students at medical schools. A donated body can be used for a number of purposes, which may include:

• Anatomical examination – teaching students or healthcare professionals about the structure and function of the human body.
• Research – scientific studies which to improve the understanding of the human body.  
• Education and training – training healthcare professionals on surgical techniques."
  

www.hta.gov.uk/donating-your-body