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Wedding anniversary whilst separated
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Thanks MovingForwards. I spoke to him this morning and asked him if he really does want to work it out or if he is just trying to be nice. As you said, I have thought he might be dragging it out so I eventually call it quits and then it's ' my fault'! He said he is feeling really down and 'wouldn't mind dying'. He told me he does want us to work out but wants to be in a clear state of mind. He doesn't want to come back 'be his usual grumpy self' ( his words) and then leave again. I am pleased he is being honest about it but I feel sad that he is so down and hopeless. I know he wanted peace and space which is why he left, but it's also made him isolated. Nobody to talk to, have a hug or someone to bring you a drink etc. I know it was his choice but it still seems illogical to me.
It would be easier if we didn't have a child because I see our child upset over this every day. I try to put on a brave face and be positive but inside I'm not. I am angry at my husband ( I don't tell him though) for leaving and causing our child pain but at the same time I just want him to get better. The virus thing hasn't helped. Not going out and his trip to see his mum was cancelled.
On a personal note, I am determined to do better financially, that's a positive thing. Also to be more organized and stop putting jobs around the house off. Next thing I want to do is take my little one ( not so little now!) on holiday. I'd love for all of us to go but realistically it probably won't happen. I know I'd feel so proud of I could pay for a holiday for me and my little one.1 -
Did you say your husband is currently living alone? Tbh, I don't think currently is the right time for anyone to be making life changing decisions whichever way the outcome is. I'm hearing more and more in the last couple of weeks about people struggling with their mental health from being without personal social contact for so many weeks, including an overdose taken over the weekend.
Does he live close enough that he can now come over and do a socially distanced garden visit and see both you and your child?1 -
He doesn't cope well with change and although he only went into the office twice a week anyway before all the restrictions, he would usually have lunch or go out for dinner with his colleagues on at least one day. His mum is getting old and isn't in the best of health. She is overseas so not being able to see her any time soon has got him down.
I text or call him every day. He is only 5 mins down the road and we have a garden so he could come for a visit maybe at the weekend. I know he spends a lot of time just sleeping. It's the only way he can block out the unhappiness. I've booked him a telephone counselling session. I know he won't get round to doing it himself. I don't know what else to do. I guess I can't really do much. When we married we promised to look after each other but it's proving very hard. I know he needs time but just not knowing the outcome is what's so hard.
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My husband has PTSD and his mother died two weeks ago (funeral tomorrow) and our anniversary is on Wednesday. I think maybe your husband does need some time. Would suggest you need to think. Do you want to give him card etc because you feel you should, or do you really love him and want him back. If you genuinely want him back, I would remind him of the good times, tell him that you are there for him and love him and see what happens next.1
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Fireflyaway said:He doesn't cope well with change and although he only went into the office twice a week anyway before all the restrictions, he would usually have lunch or go out for dinner with his colleagues on at least one day. His mum is getting old and isn't in the best of health. She is overseas so not being able to see her any time soon has got him down.
I text or call him every day. He is only 5 mins down the road and we have a garden so he could come for a visit maybe at the weekend. I know he spends a lot of time just sleeping. It's the only way he can block out the unhappiness. I've booked him a telephone counselling session. I know he won't get round to doing it himself. I don't know what else to do. I guess I can't really do much. When we married we promised to look after each other but it's proving very hard. I know he needs time but just not knowing the outcome is what's so hard.Honestly, I'd back off a bit and give him some space.
When my ex suffered from depression she slept a lot (down to the meds in her case). She didn't want to be disturbed unless it was necessary.
Did he ask you to book the counselling session?2 -
Thanks MrsStepford. That's hard, I'm sorry you are facing that.
I do love him and I see the potential that we have. We share the same life goals and have a good foundation ( enough money / our child is past the stage of needing 24/7 attention, we are still fairly young etc). We do have issues I'm not going to lie, but I believe they can be sorted. However my husband doesn't see good in anything and is doubting it. He has self esteem issues and doesn't even know why he is depressed most of the time. He can wake up positive one day and down the next. This time he has been down a long time. I think my overriding reason for wanting to give him a card is to ensure he knows I care and I'm there to support him. It's also his birthday and then obviously fathers day this month too. I think not acknowledging it would probably just lead him into thinking I don't care which I don't want. He takes things very personally. My weight gain is a major factor of him leaving. He saw it as me not loving or respecting him enough. I've prepared myself for not receiving anything. That wouldn't be unusual anyway! I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he forgot his own birthday!0 -
NeilCr said:Fireflyaway said:He doesn't cope well with change and although he only went into the office twice a week anyway before all the restrictions, he would usually have lunch or go out for dinner with his colleagues on at least one day. His mum is getting old and isn't in the best of health. She is overseas so not being able to see her any time soon has got him down.
I text or call him every day. He is only 5 mins down the road and we have a garden so he could come for a visit maybe at the weekend. I know he spends a lot of time just sleeping. It's the only way he can block out the unhappiness. I've booked him a telephone counselling session. I know he won't get round to doing it himself. I don't know what else to do. I guess I can't really do much. When we married we promised to look after each other but it's proving very hard. I know he needs time but just not knowing the outcome is what's so hard.Honestly, I'd back off a bit and give him some space.
When my ex suffered from depression she slept a lot (down to the meds in her case). She didn't want to be disturbed unless it was necessary.
Did he ask you to book the counselling session?0 -
Fireflyaway said:NeilCr said:Fireflyaway said:He doesn't cope well with change and although he only went into the office twice a week anyway before all the restrictions, he would usually have lunch or go out for dinner with his colleagues on at least one day. His mum is getting old and isn't in the best of health. She is overseas so not being able to see her any time soon has got him down.
I text or call him every day. He is only 5 mins down the road and we have a garden so he could come for a visit maybe at the weekend. I know he spends a lot of time just sleeping. It's the only way he can block out the unhappiness. I've booked him a telephone counselling session. I know he won't get round to doing it himself. I don't know what else to do. I guess I can't really do much. When we married we promised to look after each other but it's proving very hard. I know he needs time but just not knowing the outcome is what's so hard.Honestly, I'd back off a bit and give him some space.
When my ex suffered from depression she slept a lot (down to the meds in her case). She didn't want to be disturbed unless it was necessary.
Did he ask you to book the counselling session?
One thing I found out (amongst many others!) was that very often it was better to let her come to me in her own time. She had enough on her hands coping with the illness without having to deal with my worries and concerns. Sure you need to be around and supportive but when you are wanted. I completely get that you want to help but, in my ex's case once she started to actually understand her depression and how it affected to her she slowly got better. For instance she realised her black dogs were cyclical. It made it a bit easier growing into an episode knowing that she would come out of it.She, also, studied psychology to get more in depth knowledge - apparently a large number of her fellow students were doing the same. She ended up with a PhD and off her meds as she worked out, by herself, how to manage her condition. Even though we had separated by then she invited me to the award ceremony. I was so proud of her knowing what she had gone through
I hesitate to advise as cases can be different but it, certainly feels to me that you, maybe should stop contacting him as much as you do. You are clearly worried and anxious and that may transmit to him which isn't going to help
Have you talked to any support organisations. Mind are very good and may help you to help him in the best way
I hope it works out for both of you2 -
NeilCr thank you. Wow that's very interesting about your ex. I see what you are saying. Even doing something that is meant to be considerate could be misconstrued as pressure. I am worried that stepping back might be interpreted as I don't care. It's so stressful second guessing all the time. He has no family here and only a couple of friends but they don't know what's going on. I feel I should be taking on a supportive role but I know what I see as supportive might be seen as pressure by him. I can't lie that I probably also feel some obligation (maybe that's too strong I'm not sure) to make it work because my parents and child are so sad about it. If we didn't have a child and my parents were not here and I bumped into Josh Groban ..... No seriously I want it to work but it's not straightforward.0
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Fireflyaway said:Thanks MrsStepford. That's hard, I'm sorry you are facing that.
I do love him and I see the potential that we have. We share the same life goals and have a good foundation ( enough money / our child is past the stage of needing 24/7 attention, we are still fairly young etc). We do have issues I'm not going to lie, but I believe they can be sorted. However my husband doesn't see good in anything and is doubting it. He has self esteem issues and doesn't even know why he is depressed most of the time. He can wake up positive one day and down the next. This time he has been down a long time. I think my overriding reason for wanting to give him a card is to ensure he knows I care and I'm there to support him. It's also his birthday and then obviously fathers day this month too. I think not acknowledging it would probably just lead him into thinking I don't care which I don't want. He takes things very personally. My weight gain is a major factor of him leaving. He saw it as me not loving or respecting him enough. I've prepared myself for not receiving anything. That wouldn't be unusual anyway! I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he forgot his own birthday!
You are bending over backwards to be understanding and take care of his needs, whilst he has left you because you have gained some weight. I'm sorry, but what?
I would be having a very serious conversation about how this love and respect thing works both ways. Maybe you do need to lose a bit of weight, but he definitely has a responsibility to pursue counselling and any other help he needs to be able to be there for you. At the moment it sounds like you are doing all the running, I know that's because you care about him. Unfortunately until he is prepared to take on the responsibility himself nothing will change, you are not solely in charge of his happiness. He seems to doing a good job of making you take the blame, I would not be having that.
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