Wedding anniversary whilst separated

NeilCr

I've been separated for twenty years.

We still get on well - we talk regularly, we exchange birthday and Christmas cards but sending something on our wedding anniversary would be really odd

I agree with a lot of what MovingForwards said. I'd just add that it feels like you are trying to force something which, if you want it to happen, needs time and patience

Spendless

At most I'd get a card,have it written and give it only if you were given one first. Let him take the lead here. Gifts I'd forget about and if your wedding anniversary is far enough into the future for restrictions to have been further lifted by then, do something at that point. 

Mnd

Whatever you do I expect it will be wrong. 

Fireflyaway

Thanks everyone. Moving-Forwards thank you for your honesty, I appreciate the time and thought you put into your post. Thinking honestly to myself, even if my husband and I don't get back together I don't think there is anything I would change about the way I treat myself. Maybe I'm just really boring?!  I will always have a bath, read a book, cook something or treat myself to a takeaway etc if I fancy. I never gave up anything I enjoyed because of my husband ( apart from not treating myself to clothes but more because it doesn't interest me and trying to save money but using cheap products I don't do that any longer!) . The only thing I've started to change is be more financially independent which is a good thing whatever happens. My husband has been sending me some of his creations to try ( I'm veggie and he isn't). Re making contact, it's usually me that makes the first move but it always has been. He does sometimes telephone first. 
I see the point about him being settled where he is and not wanting to move back. I have wondered if he sees it that way. I don't think him coming back would really restrict his freedom that much though! We have always spent time doing our own things. We have never lived in each other's pockets. 
NeilCr - I agree sending an anniversary card after 20 years of separation would be odd but we have only lived apart 5 months and are planning to get back together.

NeilCr

Fireflyaway said:

Thanks everyone. Moving-Forwards thank you for your honesty, I appreciate the time and thought you put into your post. Thinking honestly to myself, even if my husband and I don't get back together I don't think there is anything I would change about the way I treat myself. Maybe I'm just really boring?!  I will always have a bath, read a book, cook something or treat myself to a takeaway etc if I fancy. I never gave up anything I enjoyed because of my husband ( apart from not treating myself to clothes but more because it doesn't interest me and trying to save money but using cheap products I don't do that any longer!) . The only thing I've started to change is be more financially independent which is a good thing whatever happens. My husband has been sending me some of his creations to try ( I'm veggie and he isn't). Re making contact, it's usually me that makes the first move but it always has been. He does sometimes telephone first. 
I see the point about him being settled where he is and not wanting to move back. I have wondered if he sees it that way. I don't think him coming back would really restrict his freedom that much though! We have always spent time doing our own things. We have never lived in each other's pockets. 
NeilCr - I agree sending an anniversary card after 20 years of separation would be odd but we have only lived apart 5 months and are planning to get back together.

Sorry

I wasn't clear

At no time in that 20 years have we sent each other an anniversary card.

You say that while you are planning to get back together you wonder if he is settled and, actually, whether he wants to move back at all . I don't mean this unkindly but it does seem that you want the reconciliation more than he does. Speaking as a man (and not trying to generalise here!) we sometimes have a tendency to say what we think the other person wants to hear - and I know from my own experience, that, often,  the longer you are on your own the easier it becomes. We used to do our thing (trouble was it ended that we always did our own thing and never anything together). For me doing my own thing by myself is less stressful than doing my own thing in a relationship. 

I really do think that Moving Forwards gave good advice.  And, I, definitely wouldn't send a card right now. 

Having said all that I, genuinely, hope it works out for you.

Fireflyaway

NeilCr  thanks for your reply. The point you make about saying what someone wants to hear has crossed my mind many times. I do feel he might be going along with what I say for an easy life. However when I've asked him if this is the case, he says it's not. He told me he could have just moved out and asked for a divorce. That's true. He has already moved out so there isn't anything to be gained by him pretending he wants to come back. I hate the fact it's dragging out though. However him coming back before we have agreed how to address our issues would be pointless. Part of the problem at present is we can't meet in private and discuss anything. Before the virus issue we went for a coffee each week just the two of us. Now it's frustrating not moving forward at all. 

MovingForwards

I was the ambitious professional one, my ex had his job and did his hours. I was the one doing almost everything around the house.

Everything I did through the 20 odd years we were together, I did for the marriage, I took responsibility for the home as it wouldn't get done. He had his hobbies, interests one was his career of choice which was unpaid, I always supported him to do them, would stay up late until he returned so he could tell me how it went. All while he struggled with depression and motivation. There would be blocks when he wouldn't do the unpaid choice, he would moan but do nothing about it, I would listen and make suggestions. He eventually did see a doctor, get meds, but they made no difference.

When separated we even when on holiday to celebrate my notable birthday and I thought great he will return home after this, but afterwards the taxi dropped him off first then me.

I used to meet my ex a few times a week, we used to speak, always said he wasn't ready to move back, we spoke on the phone and messaged every day. Said I was pressuring him to return if I ever mentioned him staying over. Never saying he had no intention of moving back in, always making plans for the next date or meet up.

I completely agree with Neilcr that people do say what the other wants to hear and not the truth. Had my ex told me there was no chance, I wouldn't have hung around and lost what little respect I had. 

When I said I was moving out and getting on with my life he cried, but it made no difference. 
He had three wake up calls
- being told to leave
- going on holiday
- knowing I was leaving

Only when I took the keys to him as I was leaving did he say he didn't want me to. At that point it was too late, I had moved forward with my new life.

I enabled him to have a marriage, with no responsibilities all the time we were apart. 

Oddly enough my ex only pops into my head when I read your posts, now that seems like another lifetime or someone else's in a way. 

NeilCr

@MovingForwards

Rings a huge bell

Our split started with her saying to me that there was someone else (turned our that was a figment of her imagination - someone she worked with who liked her but not in that way) On the day I moved out she was crying her eyes out and saying she didn't know how she would cope by herself

She's fine now. I don't blame her at all - it's complicated and she is, fundamentally, a good person. 

But you do need to cut through the c""p and work out what is best for you both. We are both happier, in our own ways, apart as opposed to together. 

Fireflyaway

Thanks guys. I am worried about potential mixed messages. The fact that I will replay conversations, read stuff into certain things that have been said, wonder if something really means something or something else, doesn't help!  My husband does say things unprompted such as ' when I come home I will do x' . I also suggested once we get back together we mark our renewed committed. He then agreed and he suggested we go away for a little holiday.  
I suppose it's the uncertainty that's so hard. I want it to work but I know I can't force him if he doesn't want the same. If he told me it's over I'd be upset but I'd then start the process of starting to move on mentally. What I'm really anxious about is the thought that he might be taking his time to decide and then tell me it's over. I'd rather know now than in 2,3,4 months time! 

MovingForwards

That's why I'm saying work on your marriage, but also work on your single life. That way if it doesn't work out you are already part-way through setting up your new single life.

You could be in limbo for years, your OH could be taking the easy way out and leaving it down to you to call time as he wouldn't feel guilty, or it could all work out.

Do you want to be in this position in a year? Another 6 months?