Missy’s family of 4, paying off debts, saving for a house and just trying to survive!

WinterWarrior

So sorry to see this Missy. Can you take it to court to enforce payment while he’s still working? I’m not sure how it all works, but if he’s working now he should be paying now.  It is absolutely not your fault, so you shouldn’t have to think of solutions before sharing with OH. Maybe he’ll have some ideas (or offer to pay for more shopping). Good luck x

Chrystal

I agree with the above post about taking it to Court.  He's totally taking the p1ss, and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it..

Can I ask why you and OH haven't come to some arrangement about money?  It seems a very strange situation that you are basically paying for all the groceries that come into the house, and having to hide the situation that's worrying you to protect OH!  He doesn't appear to hide his frustration etc from you in order  to protect you! Does he think that because you normally get £450 from EX that he doesn't have to contribute? t's going to sound harsh, and I'm on your side, but must admit I often read your posts and think that you're being taken for a mug by the men in your life.

I really hope you can get this resolved, but I think you need to take a long hard look at what is happening around you.  (((hugs))) XX

dawnybabes

Your ex is still working, in fact if he’s being made redundant he will be wrom8 g fir a few weeks yet.  Regardless if he’s in benefits ( which he which he wont like if he’s used to 100k pa) he’d still have to pay you a token amount.  Is the arrangement through the  CSA ? I’d be tempted to go through them if not. 

PurpleFairy26

Totally agree with what everyone has said. 

But just for 5 minutes - stop and take a big deep breath and don’t do anything rash or spend lots of time researching 3rd jobs etc. For a start anything you decided to do going forward surely must be a joint decision with your DH. I know you said you’d rather go to him with a solution because he’s stressed. But really - this is huge if you are thinking of taking on an extra job, cancelling after school etc... I really do think it needs to be a joint decision as he needs to understand the severity of the situation and at the same time it might be a good time to sort out how you do money between you so you are not always paying for groceries you can’t afford. 

Even if it’s going to take time, go through the formal route to get money off your ex. He can’t just not pay. Is he not planning on getting another job? Assume he’ll get redundancy pay?!? You really must spend time on this even
if it’s for a long term gain not short term. I think your future self will thank you. 

I do hope you get some headspace today to think. 

missymoo81

Hi everyone, 

Thanks you so so much for your thoughts and advice. I’m going to go and change my post just to clarify, OH does contribute to other things, I put it in my SOA, we each pay half the ordinary house bills/ rent etc but he also pays for all of the petrol for both cars, and any top up shops pretty much and if we go out For food or anything he pays the majority of the time. And I know he’d be ok with paying for the shopping, I just feel bad asking, having been married to ex for so long and his tightness with money and how awful he was about it, I find it really hard to get my head around the fact OH isn't like that. 

And you’re all so right, I do need to sit and take a minute. I will speak with OH about it later on today or tomorrow, I just don’t want to spoil a rare weekend we have when we’re not working. 

CSA wise, as far as I know there’s no such thing anymore, as far as I can see we have a family agreement that he pays the maintenance not a legal one so it can’t be enforced. Ex is such a bitter vindictive person, if I chase this and he does get made redundant (he has loads of savings etc so could probably not work again to be honest, but who knows) and if he does work it will be agency work through his friend and how I’d get him to pay when things are so sporadic, I don’t know. If he doesn’t work he is cruel enough to say he should have custody of the children so that I have to pay him as I work all the time. And I absolutely can’t deal with that. 

I’ve asked my friend who is a solicitor and I’m hoping she is going to come back to me
with some advice. I’m going to speak with citizens advice too. But I know what ex is like and he will do anything he can not to pay even if that means him living like a pauper.

i know I paint OH in a poor light sometimes, but I’m sure everyone’s OH’s get to them sometimes, he honestly has OCD and bipolar issues I wish he would sort, but he knows and is really trying. 

I’m trying to use this change positively. I’m not 100% happy with my life/career, I don’t seem to ever stop working, and OH more so, hence why we’ve spoken about maybe in 2 years selling the business and doing something else. I’d really like to come up with a plan and prepare for that....
I have 2 years to study if needs be and we haven’t got pensions so I need to sort that, so we have about 10-12 years more work in us. 

Still looking at the short term things to make ends meet, have spoken to my friend who helps run the business to try and come up with a plan. So going to spend today being proactive. 

Thanks again for being so good as to read and reply x

Moneywhizz

I've been reading along with your diary recently but haven't commented before. This sounds like a time for you to sit down with your DH and work things out financially. You need to have a clear system of who is paying for what on a consistent basis. You shouldn't have to feel grateful when your OH pays for the shopping now and then. If I remember from the beginning of your diary you actually paid off a lot of his credit card debt so he actually owes you a lot of money? It is only right that he contributes his fair share to the household as well as paying back the money that you paid off. 
Regarding the child maintenance you should go to the government website and work out how much you are entitled to from your ex. I think it takes into account how much time the children spend at his house, as well as his earnings. £450 per month seems to be quite generous, so maybe he has discovered that he doesn't have to pay as much? I can't imagine he will want to go from being a high earner onto benefits, but it does look like your money will be cut. So yes, it is good for you to think about ways of bringing in more income but you need to balance that with your mental and physical health, time with your children, and time for running your home. You already seem to fit so much in that I cant imagine how you could work any more. 
I agree that you don't seem to be supported very well by your husband but seem to be the one propping everyone up. You deserve more and this could be the time to sort out a few things, not just the finances. I hope things improve and you get some support from the people around you. 

missymoo81

Hey MoneyWhizz thanks so much for reading and posting. The £450 Child maintenance from ex was originally worked out by myself and my solicitor when we were going through the divorce. It’s £450 for 2 children and he earns £100k a year, if anything it’s on the low side for what he earns. 

And you’re right, I do prop everyone up, I’m one of life’s fixers. I’ve been that way ever since I was a kid. I feel the need to try and fix every problem and I absolutely hate relying on anyone else.

I think I must unintentionally paint OH in a bad light, I’m quite an emotional person but because of always being at work or around the kids etc I end up just letting it out on here rather than in real life. And I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t..... I think Maybe I should make this thread purely about debt repaying and money saving etc, as opposed to ranting about my relationship and OH. 

And yes you’re right, me and OH paid off all our CC’s with my divorce money so we’re both paying it back in a agreed amount each month and he does do this every month.

jwil

You can still go through CMS for child maintenance,  I think there are fees, but surely an amount less a fee is better than nothing.  https://www.gov.uk/making-child-maintenance-arrangement  I think they prefer private arrangements, but your ex has demonstrated that he is not willing to do that, so go through official channels.

I use my diary to moan about my DH as well all of the time.   It doesn't mean there aren't any good times too.   If it helps you then continue to do it.   People may question the odd thing, but you know your relationship and whether it's right for you and if you are happy then that's all that matters.

charlies_tribe

Hi, I've been reading your diary. Definitely go through the cms link Jwil has posted above. Just doing a quick calculation on there and 100k a year for 2 children and him having them 1-2 nights a week, he should still be paying £450 a month for EACH child. you'll need to adjust how much he sees them, hid exact wages, other children etc. But he may not be made redundant and should be helping with his children right up until that point, not just guessing it'll happen. 
Or do a check and send it him, once he realises he'll have to pay more that way, he might just take the easier route and send it.

Good luck. You do amazing to keep on top of everything. 

missymoo81

Ah thank you so much JWil, I really appreciate it. I struggle for advice or anyone to talk to so much as I’m the only divorced/remarried mother in my circle of friends/round the school. At work most people don’t even have children. So it’s a bit tricky. So massively appreciate your advice, with the link I will check that out shortly!

Thanks Charlie’s Tribe, we worked it out as he had the children around half the week when he’s home or longer would I erred on side of caution and called it £450. He gets so cruel and bitter about money this is going to turn very nasty very quickly. 

Currently drinking tea and watching motherland. Wash load is on and I’m sat doing my calculations whilst going through the Tesco app and looking online for recipe ideas!

Thanks again for you all taking the time to post, I didn’t realise anyone really read my thread much. So appreciate you all coming out to offer advice x