It's time to begin.....

Chrystal

I also was going to ask how long you think it will take to pay off the debt to a point where you will be able to separate.  You appear to be living in a very abusive relationship and it won't be doing you, or your child, any favours to stay in it for any prolonged length of time, as it will affect your little one as well as you.
I've noticed that it's his family that is getting paid back first and not yours, sounds as though he's not going to facilitate you leaving if he can help it! ...  and I doubt that he'll stump up the money to help pay off your family.... hope I'm wrong, but don't think so.
Don't forget he'd have to pay child maintenance. and you could also use step change etc to make paying the debt back more manageable.  
Really hope that things improve for you, but I think you need to be a little bit wily and start to pave the way for you and your little one by saving as much as you can on the quiet, to give yourself a bit of a buffer.  (((hugs)))X

Aspiration

Morning,
Didn’t want to read and run. 

Well done for getting help and talking it through with a trained professional. 

The relationship sounds quite toxic from reading it and I do completely understand your approach of trying to get the debt down as quickly as possible. 

Please don’t forget what you’re losing though by waiting and the impact it may be having to you and your daughter.

Some great advice above but please do make sure you’re both safe and don’t end up becoming trapped. 

Aspiration 

greensalad

I agree with above, it amounts to financial abuse (and general emotional abuse in my opinion) to hold money situations like this over your head. I would strongly suggest you look into the details of what you could be entitled to in a divorce. Remember if he stashes away money and doesn't spend much then in a divorce you may be entitled to some of that. It'd be messy, as it often is, but there is a question of whether you'd be better off a single mum trying to pay down debt vs a married one in an unpleasant home environment. My parents divorced before I really remember, and my Mum never had much money and had debt. But I still remember how happy my childhood was. There were some painful bits (my relationship with my father never improved) but I never really knew we were poor until I got older and realised what others had had. 

I know having a bunch of internet strangers telling you to leave your husband isn't exactly what anyone wants to hear so I really hope I don't seem like I'm speaking out of turn again but I just think an outside perspective might help.

What others have said about stepchange is true too. You might be able to default some credit accounts and reduce what you're having to pay. You could then at some point offer a full and final and spend a lot less on getting your debt cleared. The downside is the 6 year ding on your report, but if you don't see yourself paying off your debt fully within 6 years then it can be the quicker route!

vixx_123

Just wanted to say that a lot of what you have said resonates with me. I'm in a difficult relationship at the minute with someone with depression and anxiety. He's walked out on me once which led to my LBM as I realised I wouldn't be able to pay all bills and debt. He returned due to lockdown but is still depressed (can't find happiness or excitement in anything, including our relationship). I've been doing CBT, but he does little to help himself (he tried antidepressants but made him worse).
We're speaking about separation/divorce and it is scary because it'll mean selling the house (I can afford the monthly payments, but am £50k short of being able to take over it properly) and me probably moving 150 miles away from the area that we decided to call home when we married.
I'm not happy about the way our finances are managed at the minute, but it's like treading on eggshells, so I've just let that continue ticking over, and staying here as it's not horrendous to cope with (not an abusive relationship). This has helped me to repay my personal debts. This was accumulated when we bought our house (I had very little on a cc when we got the mortgage). I want to sort out our joint debts, but they're 0% and mins ticking over. I feel that I could only approach this if our relationship was healthier.

Kakiste

@vixx_123 that sounds tough- especially the bit about potentially having to move so far away if you do divorce.

@greensalad I'm not worried about defaults as all of my debts bar one (the smallest amount) have been defaulted so they're already ticking down the the 6 year drop off mark. It's more about getting a fresh slate and clearing everything. I grew up in a pretty toxic home where my parents relationship was weird so I totally see what you're saying about it being better to be poorer but happier and I agree. 

@Chrystal To be fair there's some logic to the paying back order. I started to pay all three family members back at the same rate (£100 p/m) I put in a complaint with my biggest credit card account who gave me a cheque for repaid interest and admin fees and I used that to completely pay back my Uncle. At the moment it's just my dad and his parents. My dad is in a pretty static place and is just putting the money I repay each month back into his long term ISAs. His parents are in the process of buying a house at the moment and so could use the money back more urgently. I agree with you and don't think he'll help to pay back my dad but I'll at least be able to use the £400 I use to pay his parents each month to pay back my dad so that'll be £500 a month and I'll have repaid him completely by April. 

At the moment it's sustainable. If it turns and started to become was as bad as it was 2 years ago I would now leave. I could technically afford to live on my own (not in my current house though- would have to move) from January but given that home is probably the best it's been for 6 ish years I'd rather stay another year (or slightly longer) until I clear every single debt and then I've got a fresh start- independently if needs be.

If at the end of of 2021 or beginning of 2022 I'm still getting the "it's all your fault/my life is so rubbish/I can't trust you at all" speeches at the same ratio at the moment even though it'll then be 3.5 years after he found out I'll take it as a clear sign he's going to hold it over my head forever and I'm frankly done with that. 

 However he's mostly just depressed and mopey at the moment which isn't too bad as it's mostly internalised and not being turned outward on me every day. It means there isn't any horrible atmosphere in front of my daughter (as he takes himself off to lie on the bed upstairs) and we just crack on with playing, crafting or going out to the beach without him. 

Thanks everyone. I have my best friend and some friends at work to talk to but most of our friends are joint ones so I don't really want to go there with them. It's nice to have an additional outlet.

enthusiasticsaver

I am glad you are sounding so strong as that behaviour from a spouse would break many and I find it incredible that he is blaming you when he seems to  have been anything other than supportive especially when you were on SMP.  I am glad you have an outlet and people you can talk to and that you have decided you will only put up with so much.  You and your daughter deserve better.  It is good at least that you could support yourself should you have to.  

Kakiste

Thanks
Making a shortcrust mince and mushroom pie for dinner tonight. Daughter was very happy to help with the pastry. Serving it with a bag of finest roast potatoes and peas. 
Other than the butter, every ingredient for the entire meal came from food group last Wednesday (inc the flour and oil) It's probably the best £4 I spend every week. 
I need to pick up some staples so will prob go shopping tomorrow as we're completely out of ketchup but haven't been in a shop at all since last weekend. 

Sarahwithlove

Obviously the longer you can manage the better position you will be in financially but at least you know if all else fails there is an end at light of tunnel and you could seperate. I don't think the whole covid situation is helping his depression I'm finding it a lot harder this time during lockdown 

Kakiste

I think you're right there. I usually go to the gym 5 times a week but that's obviously closed at the moment and other than our friend who's bubbled with us it's just me and him every day in the house and it's very repetitive.
Pre-covid we'd have friends round probably 3-4 evenings a week and my dad gets my daughter from school on Tuesdays so we saw so many different people.

Kakiste

Shopping done. Managed to get a weeks worth of meal ingredients and then replacement essentials for £28 which is within budget. 
Menu this week;
Today- leftover mince and mushroom pie (this was absolutely lovely) and twice roastrd potatoes 
Monday- chicken katsu and rice
Tues-  Chinese veg noodles
Wed- Mexican 'fakeaway'- friend over
Thurs- tuna and sweet corn pasta bake
Friday- oven pizza and salad
Sat- Fish and vegetable rice. 

We're starting the raffle at work this week which should mean that behaviour picks up immediately. It's a spectacular idea by our SLT who noted a few years ago the standard (across the board) drop in behaviour towards the end of the autumn term. (but as we're EBD school a drop in our behaviour is significant as theyre already kids who've been excluded from mainstream because of their behaviour) 
Anyhow- the system is for the last 4 weeks of the autumn term every staff member is given a raffle ticket book. You can give any of the kids a raffle ticket for excellent work, attitude or behaviour at any point in the school day. The raffle tickets go into one pot and then on the last day of term we have an assembly where they have 25 prizes. The small ones are still really decent (like £30 Xbox vouchers/cinema tickets etc) medium ones are stuff like nike trainers and then there are 5 really good prizes and last year it was a 44" smart TV/brand new iphone/Xbox one/mountain bike and I cant remember the last one.  Point being, the kids behaviour is the best all year in the 4 week period where statistically it should be the very worst. It's a brilliant idea and a real boon for teaching. 

I had one of the lads I really struggle with spend an entire lesson offering to clean my classroom, put up another bookshelf(!) and do all my marking in one memorable lesson last December.