It's time to begin.....

Humdinger1

@Kakiste as you know,  this is classic controlling behaviour.  Good luck today...he is going to have the shock of his life.   Tell me to mind my own business, but how do you see the logistics of the move working? Will you tell him and have friends to help you move there and then perhaps? Love Humdinger xx

Kakiste

My friend has said that if I'm happy with the house when I see it next week then she'll get the decorators in at the start of February- she's going to have it deep cleaned, repainted and new carpets throughout. She's said that there's a cellar in the 3 bedroom house and she doesn't mind me storing anything in there as soon as I want as it won't be in the way of the contractors and she will give me a key to access the cellar so I don't need to get her to let me in and can go there whenever I need to. 

So my plan re moving stuff is to drive up a few times in 5 weeks time during the February half term (the one I have off on my own due to misaligned term times from daughter/husband) and remove all of mine and daughter's excess stuff that won't be noticed from our current house (stuff that's stored in the attic/3 packing cases of books I've got under the spare room bed/my excess sewing stuff/Christmas decorations/garden furniture from the shed etc etc) and put it into the cellar of the new house. That way I'll have cut down a load of the moving logistics before we ever have the breaking up conversation. 

There's a possibility that husband's friend who split up with his wife recently may move into our current house- as he's currently renting a room in a shared house in the same town- which would allow husband to keep living there. (this might ideally be the best solution- as then all the stuff we're storing for the hobby group (and the mahoosive shed in the side front garden wouldn't have to move) husband's well established workshop in the garage and the hobby group van could all stay where they are. Also I think it might be nice for daughter- as she's got her Pokemon bedroom and we built her a brand new playhouse in the garden last summer holiday and she wouldn't have to leave any of that behind. 

In that scenario I don't think any of the furniture would be leaving with me- so then all the remaining clothes/books/toys would fit into my car in one or two trips.  

However husband couldn't afford to rent our current house long term on his own (he now has £15,000 in savings so he could quite easily pick up the extra cost for a good while without making much of a dent) but there's a chance he'll want to look to move straight away (but as recent rightmove has shown- it's not going to be a simple or quick setup) so in that case I imagine we'll divide the furniture up. 

So..... basically I'm not sure- I haven't really got a clear plan yet- but if I see the house next week and decide I'm taking it (which I'm 95% sure I will) I think I need to tell him with enough time that we could give a month notice on the house and move out at the same time- however I don't want to do this until the new house is set up enough that I could move in straight away if he was completely vile- rather than continue to cohabit with him for 4 weeks. 

I'm also trying to view it that I'm not going to take anything furniture or appliance wise with me (I know this probably won't be the case but I'm trying to accept this as the given scenario so that if I do end up with any of the appliances/furniture then it's a bonus) 

Also several friends at work (including 2 who own vans) have already offered help moving and also collecting furniture off fb marketplace and helping me assemble it if needs be. 

Finally- my lovely sister in law bought us brand new crockery/pan sets and cutlery for Christmas. Husband thinks I took the old stuff to the charity shop- but I actually boxed it all up and put it in the attic so I've got all the kitchen stuff ready to go. 

satchmo1

Two years ago I helped my sister move out from a controlling relationship and she has regained her spark and self confidence. Expect a period of mourning, no matter how you have longed to escape his control. 

Do you have a trusted friend with a largish car who would help you as you move? Do you have someone you will be able to leave your daughter with for the move? Can a friend take some bags of belongings ahead of the move? It's unlikely that your OH will quietly accept you moving out, and may dispute every single item you try to pack.

When my ex husband's destructive outburst worsened (eg smashing up our home office) I made a doctors appointment and told our (shared) GP who knew the ex's background (acquired brain injury) so that there was a record. 

Kakiste

I've got a large car myself so there's no worries on that score. 

My plan is to take a decent amount of my clothing and a good 4-5 days with of my daughter's before I ever tell him so if he did start wrecking stuff we would have more than the clothes we stand up in. I'll make sure that most of my favourite pieces of clothing/all my jewellery/any sentimental stuff would be out before I ever said anything. I don't actually think he would wreck anything- just yell a lot- but it's good to be overprepared. 

Mine and my daughter's passports/birth certificates/NHS cards are all stored at my work anyway. 

I've got mutual friends round the corner and two (non mutual) friends of mine within a 2 mile drive that I could leave her with. My plan is to have a bedroom set up for her before we do the move. I have literally no issue with sleeping on a mattress on the floor for the first month or two but I want her to be able to see at least the bones of a nice bedroom the first time we take her stuff in. 

stymied

From outside the situation it sounds like you’re being too nice. 4 weeks co-habiting after breaking the news sounds like a absolute nightmare and you’re already essentially giving him all your joint possessions.

Humdinger1

Yep, not wanting to be a bossy boots here but I think hanging around after you've broken the news is not ideal.

badmemory

Please be very careful.  My first husband didn't hit me until after I left & that was in front of my mother & with my father in the next room.  They tend to go a little wild when they lose the hold over you.

Sarahwithlove

I have to say I agree I don't think you will be able to stay for very long after you tell him you are leaving. 

Honeysucklelou2

Just catching up with your diary and so pleased that you have the possibility of a new home. 

enthusiasticsaver

Looks like you have the bare bones of an exit plan. How you break the news to him and when sounds a dilemma but you know him best. He sounds like a nightmare to live with. How will living arrangements for your daughter work? Joint custody I assume or can he be violent? 

It is good you have some RL support. This next chapter of your life will be much less stressful without the nastiness of your ex.