It's time to begin.....

GeorgianaCavendish

I agree with the others, don't put yourself in danger - once you tell him, you can just move straight out. You'll already have everything lined up for freedom, there is no need for you to be suffering through 4 weeks (at best) of ranting and raving. 

If it would help you feel better about leaving (and for the record, I do not think you need to do this) you could always plan to cover 4 weeks of your normal living expenses so that your husband effectively has a 4 week notice period. But I agree with the others, when you are ready to go, go - and make arrangements afterwards from a place of safety, and where you might be able to arrange for friends to come with you for safety. 
You're so close to not having to accommodate his nasty and unreasonable behaviour - and just because you CAN think of ways around it, doesn't mean that you should do it. 

Good luck 

Kakiste

Tbf covering my usual bills for an additional month whilst moving out immediately might be a more sensible option. I've not fully thought through logistics yet as I haven't absolutely guaranteed that I'm taking one my friends houses (almost certainly will but have yet to actually see the houses in person and haven't seen inside either of them) 

@stymied the reason I'm thinking about my daughter when I talk about leaving the joint possessions if he stays in our current house- I don't want to end up in the situation where she is living in a stripped down house with couches/beds/bookcases missing and in a kitchen without microwaves/toasters etc. I don't want her cause her any additional stress or inconvenience than I need to. If he chooses to move out then we can divide the furniture/accessories. 

Just to clarify- he's never hit/pushed me- mostly yelling and mind games and in the past he's damaged things (doors/microwave)  after he's lost his tempoer; so I'm considering that is a possibility and will risk assess the whole thing accordingly. 

@GeorgianaCavendish Yes that's how I feel- 'can rather than should' tolerate him. When I got back from the funeral he was still making it all about him. I said "can we not just leave this please- I'm still really sad and I've done 12 hours of driving today- I'd just like to go to bed" and he commented that he wasn't all about me, that I'd hurt his feelings and clearly only cared about myself and hadn't even given him or his feelings a thought. 

Funeral went well- My dad did the eulogy and it was really well written- they ran out of seats in the church so there were loads of people standing at the back and in the side aisles- It was really touching to see how well loved he was. 

Kakiste

I know it's not exactly the same but if it helps to reassure anyone I work with violent teenagers and in my previous school worked with super violent teenagers and adults- so I'm a dab hand at reading situations to look for potential violence and triggers so I have an advantage there. 

[Deleted User]

I've been reading your diary and you are in a similar position that I was in, during 2019. I lived with my ex for 6 weeks after I told him I was leaving and it was awful. He would torment me by booking holidays with his friends, not coming home, and generally being abusive. The longer you can leave it to tell him then the better I feel it will be for you. At the moment you'll be very process driven and just focusing on getting out. I wish I had been a little bit more patient and waited to tell him. He took my jewelry, spare car key, and log book, and had a been a little better prepared it would have been easier. We also lost the deposit on our rented house because after I moved out he left it in a right mess. Good luck and I admire your determination. There's a happier world out there, waiting for you. x

GeorgianaCavendish

I'm glad that the funeral went well, it is lovely that there were so many people there to see him off. And I'm sorry that your husband was such an idiot about it ... one day very soon you will be able to say "yes you are right, your feelings don't matter to me at all" and hang up or shut the door in his face! 

Kakiste

@[Deleted User] I've been making lists (in a notebook kept at work) of what I need to take/pack and companies I need to tell I'm moving. 

Absolutely nowhere in that have I remembered that I have a spare car key that is on husband's keys- so thank you very much for your comment- otherwise I may have completely forgot about it

Kakiste

So I sort of got the wrong end of the stick re the two house situation (this has a lovely ending btw as a TL;DR summary) 

The two houses are indeed split one two bedroom house Band B with front yard and a three bedroom Band D with a garden- however it wasn't one family living across both- what my friend said (but I misheard because we were in a lesson and trying not to talk too openly in front of the students) was that her family (specifically her grandad owns both houses- when he dies it's written into the will that my friend as the only grandchild will inherit both- hence why she's the one organising tenancies etc as she has a vested long term interest in them.)

 The family who lived in the 3 bedroom house with garden were the ones who trashed it and have now been evicted- (they're actually gone and have removed all their stuff and handed the keys back yesterday) 
The other house- 2 bed Band B house has been occupied by the same woman (late 60s- has two spaniels) since 2015. She has kept the 2 bed house immaculate but wanted first refusal on moving into the 3 bed house- so she is moving into the 3 bedroom one. 

I've been offered the 2 bedroom house and it's is beautiful- (not been physically inside it yet but seen loads of pictures) It's a grade II listed cottage (but with double glazing and a new heating system) that is full on 1850s late Victorian design. There's a new log burner in the lounge, fitted wooden shutters and blinds on all the windows and fitted wardrobes two massive double bedrooms. I'm going round on Friday with my friend after work to meet the woman- and also to choose what colour I want each room painting (as friend is going to have both houses completely repainted and recarpeted - I presumed it would be in rental magnolia but she's happy to have each room painted whatever colours I would like them I think I'm at the stage that the physical look round is just lip service- I'm going to take the house.

So Band B means that it's £93 a month cheaper just on council tax and all my water/energy bills and obviously food bill will all be coming down as well. My friend has agreed a rent of £550 a month (the average 2 bedroom rent in the village is £750) and waived the deposit (but has also agreed to having a full and watertight rental contract with each other) 

Anyhoo- the best bit. It turns out that current tenant moved there in 2015 to get out of her own horrible marriage- and when friend told her that I'm doing the same has sent me a lovely card via friend to say that she's so excited about the idea of me moving in and has also said that she's willing to share the garden, I should consider it as much mine as it will be hers and loves the idea of my daughter getting to play there (she loves children but doesn't have any herself) 

Humdinger1

@Kakiste I am so so happy for you! It's frankly no more than you deserve.  Fresh horizons beckon!! Onwards and upwards love Humdinger xx 

mumtoomany

Hi, @Kakiste. Have been reading your diary from the start, willing you to be able to move on. Had to reply as i just read your post and it's brought me to tears. So, so happy for you. This sounds like it's going to be a perfect happy ending/beginning, in a lovely house with a wonderful neighbour. Well done, enjoy your new life with your DD, you deserve it, hugs and kisses, mumtoomany.xxx

CL21

Such brilliant news 🙌🏻 wishing you many happy years there with DD