SLLM (Single Lady Large Mortgage)

savingholmes

Thanks @LadyWithAPlanI think pensions are one area of my life where I've done well. Now I want to achieve the same with clearing the mortgage / being debt neutral. I've been reading your dairy too - so rooting for you to get a decent place. I think with Ex - I hadn't realised how Peter Pan like he was - and got tired of always trying to put on the brakes or dig us out of a mess. At least this time - I get all the benefit (and eventually the kids).

@Sistergold BIL is great - he's already fixed the stairs which used to go down alarmingly and literally cut a whole in the wall and put it back in after securing the banister. Previously it had been held on by 2 screws into plasterboard and about 4 nails. Ex is currently still living here but didn't help... If all goes well should be just my mortgage within a few weeks.

Well done on your OP. 

@Honeysucklelou2 Well done on the OPs.

Sistergold

@Queen_of_the_Hive, oh that dilemma? Now that’s a hard one deciding whether to move and leave all you know or not? Most of the time it’s never convenient to move. Maybe look at when you think will be okay to move and if you will always be in a position to buy even if you postpone? Despite the rent are you able to save a LOT, to make a big deposit later on? Difficult for sure but children are very adaptive although they look traumatised initially. Xx

Sistergold

@savingholmes, Ex will probably need time for him to be “helpful again”. For now he probably wants to see how you will cope without him? Xx

Sistergold

Queen_of_the_Hive said:

Sistergold said:

@Queen_of_the_Hive, don’t think you are the only one feeling that we are “travelling at snail speed”, and we are all finding the road to be full of potholes! Same money many jobs! I think for some years it will be an uphill then at halfway point it will get better and clearer? Well that’s what I am saying to myself for now! XX 

Thanks @Sistergold, never meant it to sounds like everyone is having it easier, actually far from it . I'm having one of those big dilemmas that has no right answer. Stay living in the same area where kids and me are settled but spending good money on rent or move away to an area where we could buy a home. Kids have very good stable relationship with their dad so reluctant to rock the boat but when your budget can buy a 1 bed flat its not easy. I've had this dilemma since becoming a single parent and things are getting slowly improving but at a painstakingly snails pace. 

Oh @Queen_of_the_Hive I know you didn’t mean that we are having it easier. Just wanted to let you know that I know the feeling of things not moving fast enough. XX 

Queen_of_the_Hive

Sistergold said:

@Queen_of_the_Hive, oh that dilemma? Now that’s a hard one deciding whether to move and leave all you know or not? Most of the time it’s never convenient to move. Maybe look at when you think will be okay to move and if you will always be in a position to buy even if you postpone? Despite the rent are you able to save a LOT, to make a big deposit later on? Difficult for sure but children are very adaptive although they look traumatised initially. Xx

Thanks @Sistergold, I wish I could give the answer I want to give but the world loves those that try to succeed. I have a plan for 2022 to up my game but for now I'm doing what I can. 

Sistergold

Hey @Queen_of_the_Hive, you are really doing well and it shows that you are a great mom as you are trying to consider the needs of your children even above yours. 😘🥳 just remember what you are doing is the best you can do for now given all the facts you have at hand. Don’t be hard on yourself. Remember that for you to have a fighting chance you also need some measure of “kind selfishness”. If you entirely put the children and everyone else first you might find it impossible to move forward.

When I chose to go on separation I carried all the guilt as it looked like I had committed the unforgivable sin. I don’t want to lie I felt that my children held a grudge for moving. Especially my older daughter I think she “hated” me for it. You see I moved from Hampshire to London and left their dad. It also then happened that the area I chose to rent ended up not being the area I wanted to settle down in lovely as it was. I tested the waters about moving again, that I would like to buy/rent in another area but it will mean they need to move schools. My last son cried every time I talked about moving. He told me there was “no point making friends” as they will likely be moving again”. The reactions I got were so mixed it was terrifying. In the end @Queen_of_the_Hive I decided the stress of keeping them informed was too much so I would view houses in secret. If they found me on right move I will quickly close the app and if they notice I am looking at houses I will just say I am just checking, I also told them that I will still try to get in the same area so they don’t move schools. It was so bad that I viewed my house and completed without them knowing. I also told them after completion that the house was not in the area we were in as I could not find a house that was suitable in that neighbourhood. They had no option but to accept the move. 

The lady who sold the house to me after she accepted my offer told me I could bring the children to see the house but I told her that it was not going to be necessary as I don’t want them to know. I also did not tell my Ex that I was buying a house, he also knew from the children when it was time to move. Fast forward the children are now settled. Their dad of cause has to travel about 1.5 to 2hrs just to see them. I do make sure that I hardly ever say no to his request to see them. I also let them go to his for half terms and other holidays whenever he requests as I want them to spend as much time with him as they want. 

At the time it looked like the children will never recover BUT when they know they are in their house somehow you will see that they seem to have deeper roots and actually get more settled. You will also be “a different mom” as you would also be more settled. Children do move on but you will have to carry on after you have raised them and somewhere to stay will be important. 

If at all possible see if you can sort your mortgage before you are 50 if at all possible. “It’s likely that you can only do the best for your children once you have done the best for you”. 

This is not to say what I have said above is the best approach for you but it is just to give you the other side. It is just to tell you that if you do choose to move you are not being a “bad mom”/“selfish mom”, the “bad mom” label does not stick for long. The truth is it’s good to secure a roof over yourself and the children’s head. Your Ex will be able to see the children and adapt. 

Are your children still very young? 

You are doing great XX 💋 

savingholmes

Wow that must have been really hard dealing with 4 kids and all that. Glad that you are through to the other side.

Sistergold

Thanks @savingholmes, don’t even know how I got “to the other side”. It does feel better now but it was a rollercoaster at the time. Xx

savingholmes

One of my kids originally said they didn't think they could come back to the house post divorce - a few weeks later it was - well when Dad goes I can have his car parking space when I get a car... Kids!!

Sistergold

@savingholmes, yes children quickly change their minds and there you were scratching your head what to do? Lol. I just decide what to do as long as it is not life threatening and get on and do it. As a single parent I found I especially need to think of myself first as if I don’t the ship will sink. So much weight is on my shoulders I can not afford to be too sensitive to everyone’s needs. On one salary I just need to be strong headed and do what’s best for me to even be able to look after them. Xx