Diary of a reformed shopaholic (I hope)

alt80

No idea why you personally being disinherited by your parents is relevant to telling me I am “shallow”. If you think any man wants a massive wife who hoards money whilst husband has no toys you are delusional. As it happens my sister and I will see very little too but that doesn’t really matter to me or her - we would rather have our parents safe, healthy and well. We both earn well, can look after ourselves / families so should be fine.

Your husband signing up for the course is him providing well yet you are ungrateful for that despite earning very minimal income yourself. I appreciate you may have done well previously but after 8/9 years out of the game you’re not going to walk straight back in.

Sarahwithlove

alt80 said:

No idea why you personally being disinherited by your parents is relevant to telling me I am “shallow”. If you think any man wants a massive wife who hoards money whilst husband has no toys you are delusional. As it happens my sister and I will see very little too but that doesn’t really matter to me or her - we would rather have our parents safe, healthy and well. We both earn well, can look after ourselves / families so should be fine.

Your husband signing up for the course is him providing well yet you are ungrateful for that despite earning very minimal income yourself. I appreciate you may have done well previously but after 8/9 years out of the game you’re not going to walk straight back in.

But he's not gonna see the benefit for 3 or 4 years. Taking it in a years time won't effect any potential promotion opportunities it's just him being selfish and saying I want it now so I'm having it now because I earn more than you. Which isn't fair because they should be a partnership and only reason he earns more is because his wife was the one who stayed at home to look after their child. His wife is one who has to deal with all the stress of making their money work for them not him because he's away 3 months at a time. His family should become before what he wants, that's what being a grown up and having kids means. You make sacrifices to make sure they are OK. She's not saying no you can never go for it she's saying it won't do any harm to wait 12 months why do you have to do it now. 

GeorgianaCavendish

That’s really disappointing for you SO, how long until he’s back and you can have the chance to speak about it face-to-face? It must be so hard doing these kind of conversations over email. 

You’ve done amazingly well to get to this point, and it’s really difficult when there are other demands on the money that you’ve earmarked for debt. Hopefully you can talk it through when he’s back - you weren’t saying no to the course, just not to prioritise it now when there are other things that the family need to prioritise. 

 What’s the interest rate on the card he used for the course - it might be worth showing how much it will cost to have that all on credit vs waiting a while and paying all or part of it in cash (if he had waited to register until you saved up for it) It might help with his LBM. 

alt80

Just want to apologise for some of the things I’ve written on here. Let my anger get the better of me and some of the things I have written were a bit out of order. 

shoppingobsessed2020

Thanks everyone, had a catch up with my bestie who knows my situation today and she helped me gain some perspective, she didn’t know the full extent but does now and was ready to beat me.  I’m not allowed any more girls trips and she’s letting me blame work and Covid for not having my birthday trip or Christmas night out. I’m still allowed my Botox and nails though (girl after my own heart) 

 I still haven’t had my full lightbulb moment and it’s flickering but getting brighter, his lordship hasn’t had even a flicker yet so I can’t be mad at him for doing what he has always done.  I’m frustrated as I want him on the same page with me but he’s not there. 

I emailed and he has read it but nothing as of yet, so will see what happens. I have offered to sell my engagement ring and wedding ring to pay a chunk off but I’m not sure I actually want to go through with them as he had them made for me and they are mine but they don’t get the love they need as generally I only wear them on a weekend.  Hopefully that will make him see just how serious I am about getting this debt paid off.  

i didn’t count my jewellery in my assets section as it’s just my rings and watch and some earrings, but when it was pointed out how much I was walking round with on my finger and my wrist it made me pause as who really thinks about how much their jewellery  is worth?

It’s giving me a migraine thinking about it as it would clear a massive chunk of debt but then I have to deal with the headache of my parents and grandparents knowing what a mess we have gotten ourselves into,  my grandad would be horrified as he has never owed anyone a penny in his life.  

I did talk to my mum a bit this afternoon but it was geared more to Christmas.  They usually get us annual passes but with Covid I don’t want the passes this year so she doesn’t know what to get us.  She suggested a puppy for monkey boy as every boy needs a dog and adores visiting my parents and playing with the dogs but we are out too much for a dog to have the attention it needs and deserves.  Everything she was suggesting was based on what my brothers would like, but they are 19 so what she’s buying them won’t be suitable for a 9yr old.  She did however suggest buying his lordship a flashlight to put in his stocking for a joke as that’s what she’s bought my brothers. 

Sarahwithlove

It is a bit scary I think that whenever I wear my well known charm bracelet with all its charms. Most were Xmas and birthday presents mind you. But don't sell yours if it has sentimental value as you can't buy that back. 

Does your other half know the true extent of the debt and how much interest is being paid? Maybe putting it into number of hours he'd have to work extra to clear it. He definitely needs something to try trigger his lightbulb moment. 

Naomim

Does your son go to cubs at all? Maybe they could get a tent & sleeping bag to go with the flashlight so he can be ready for camping trips or even camp in the garden with friends?   Scooter with helmet, new bike?  Just trying to think of what my 10yo likes 🤔

Which brings me onto...What about a smaller pet? We have Giant African Land Snails and they are SO easy to look after.  You don't even need to change their soil as they need their bacteria to keep them healthy.  But we also have hamsters and a dog.

Other than that, my 10yo is football mad and Fortnite crazy so she likes anything to do with them.

At least you have a while to think 🤔

Naomim 

crunchy_time

alt80 said:

Just want to apologise for some of the things I’ve written on here. Let my anger get the better of me and some of the things I have written were a bit out of order. 

Sorry @diaryofareformedshopoholic - but I feel compelled to wade in here for the sisterhood. 
@alt80 - I too have 'downgraded' my career for the sake of my children.  My husband earns £78K a year.  I earn £15k a year.  He flunked out of his A Levels.  I have been to uni twice, am a qualified teacher with a PGCE and ten years experience.  I gave up my teaching career six months ago because, before covid, he was travelling a lot for his job and, with no family around to rely on, our children were suffering from the stress of it.  If I was able to juggle full time teaching with the emotional labour of motherhood I would earn double what I earn now.  Am I being lazy?  Hell no!  It has taken a lot to 'go down' to support level.  I am massively overqualified for the role I do now.  My employer is getting way more bang for their buck.  Literally, ten years ago, we earned exactly the same - £21k, however, because I have taken two years off as maternity leave, then worked part time and when I was working as a teacher, I haven't reached further up the pay grade than I would have done if I hadn't have taken maternity leave.  Also, we have focussed on his career rather than mine.  We have moved because of his career and I have tried to change careers myself because of his career, which is why we are on our dent journey now.
There is an emotional load that comes with motherhood that, in our family, my husband is only starting to understand as, because of covid, he is working from home whilst I am a full-time key worker, and he has to deal with appointments for the family and organising to a level that he is just not used to.
I think you will find that this is the same for a lot of women.  I have been on this forum now for 6 years and the majority of users are women managing the family finances dealing with joint mistakes  My husband and I talk about finances but because I have been part time for the last 8 years, I have always been the one that manages the nitty-gritty.  If you are that worried that you wife would 'blow all the money' if you worked abroad then there is something not quite right with your own money outlook, especially as a couple.  
My husband, drives a 13 year old hatchback on the school run (owned by him) whilst I drive the larger 4 year old SUV to work (also owned by him) to work.  I am not, however, hoarding money for myself.  I have given up my ability to earn a larger salary than I am able to for the sake our children.  Its called teamwork.  And my earning of a larger salary is becoming more and more possible now that he is helping out more and more with the emotional labour of having two children whilst both parents work full time.
It would absolutely mean the world to me to earn my worth and contribute more to my families finances.  It's good for you to apologise for your anger but maybe see this as an opportunity to consider your own prejudices and biases.
Crunchy 

shoppingobsessed2020

He does know the full extent but whether he’s taken it all in or not I can’t say.  He gets an email from me every month with balance updates and what I’ve paid off so can see things reducing. Some he has read others have been ignored so I think he’s sticking his head in the sand and letting me just work my magic.

i will sell my rings if I have to but I hope that’s it the kick that his lordship needs to get his lightbulb moment.

Sarahwithlove

shoppingobsessed2020 said:

He does know the full extent but whether he’s taken it all in or not I can’t say.  He gets an email from me every month with balance updates and what I’ve paid off so can see things reducing. Some he has read others have been ignored so I think he’s sticking his head in the sand and letting me just work my magic.

i will sell my rings if I have to but I hope that’s it the kick that his lordship needs to get his lightbulb moment.

I don't think you should have to if he isn't willing to make some sacrifices as well. Maybe instead of telling what you ate paying off on the cards you need to tell him some of the things you have given up to make it work.