Moved in with boyfriend

AnnabelleLB

Hi everyone

Go easy on me I've been lurking but thought I'd jump in!

I'll give you some background first, I'm 28 and my last relationships were not as good as they could have been, My ex was more interested in drugs than anything else. He said he would give up, I stupidly believed him until the next time I found him shooting up. He said it was the first time in a while. Then he admitted he owed his dealer and had been taking money off me for what I thought was daily expenses so I walked away and I've not been trusting since.  

We lived together and I found out he hadn't been paying bills and I owed money on credit cards I let my ex use (Stupid I know, Really stupid!). I owed a lot (Stupidly put all the bills and credit in my name) I moved back home as I was struggling.

I met my current boyfriend and he is worlds apart.  We've been seeing each other for for 18 months. I've been using all my spare income to pay the bills off, When I was more comfortable with my boyfriend I told him what was going on. He was really understanding. When I arranged a date we had picnics in the park. Boyfriend didn't mind.

I've moved in with him because of this pandemic. Because I don't want to give my parents a chance of catching it. (I'm a media key worker and still required to go in). My boyfriend said I could transfer my debts to his interest free card (Think he said 24 or 36 months which is really helping, I've set a standing order to the credit card company and I see the payments on the statement) but since moving in. I've asked to contribute but he has said no until I'm back on my feet. Is he throwing my debts back at me? He has said I can do a shop or buy a takeaway if I want to do something but I feel like I'm sponging and I want to show him I can pay my way. How would I do this without offending him?

Browntoa

Do what he says , buy food or takeaways.

He's just helping you sort out your debts , don't overthink it 

MovingForwards

He is being kind and not expecting money from you, but has said if you want to do food shopping etc as a thank you, that would be fine, but there's no expectation if you don't want to.

I know it's hard when you find a good egg, it takes a long time to not read into everything, but eventually, the urge to question every minor, or large, detail reduces.

If you want to do something else, you could save a couple of quid each payday, then when it gets to a reasonable amount (£50, £100 etc) hand it over to pay off the bill or pay it directly, give him a hug and kiss and say thank you for helping.

suki1964

You boyfriend already has the expenses of running a home, you joining him doesn't double them.

You concentrate on getting those debts shifted and buy a shop as and when you can. This won't be forever, I'm sure that as your relationship flourishes and you move along, things will change where you will be a position of adding more financial help.

Many a time in our 30 years together Mr S has shouldered the majority of the bills. Right now, because he can't work because of Covid, it's me. Its swings and roundabouts in relationships, bit of give and take, for richer and poorer

rach_k

He sounds lovely.
Throw all your spare money at the debts to clear them.  If it makes you feel better, keep a tally of what you would have contributed towards join expenses and then when the debts are paid off, save up that amount and then ask him what you should do with the money together.  Maybe a holiday or something nice for the home or just have fun for a while!

BrassicWoman

Does he own his own place? It’s actually in his best interests not to let you contribute if so, so you have no claim in the property. 

AnnabelleLB

Browntoa said:

Do what he says , buy food or takeaways.

He's just helping you sort out your debts , don't overthink it 

I have been but I still feel like I am using him, When it was cold last week I had the central heating on. When I lived with my ex I saw central heating as a last resort as it cost money. I know he is, He also insisted on the standing order to the bank so as he said I know he isn't taking my money and saying its being paid and I can login to the banks site and see the money received.

MovingForwards said:

He is being kind and not expecting money from you, but has said if you want to do food shopping etc as a thank you, that would be fine, but there's no expectation if you don't want to.

I know it's hard when you find a good egg, it takes a long time to not read into everything, but eventually, the urge to question every minor, or large, detail reduces.

If you want to do something else, you could save a couple of quid each payday, then when it gets to a reasonable amount (£50, £100 etc) hand it over to pay off the bill or pay it directly, give him a hug and kiss and say thank you for helping.

I know he isn't expecting money from me, I just don't want him thinking I just take, take take. Hes helped me out and got me back on my feet. He really is a good egg. He cooked me dinner last night as our pretend date. its little things like that, that make me feel all happy and loved, but my mind then goes in to over drive.

I have been saving money each payday, As I actually have money left over. (My boyfriend said that to banks and lenders my bills are paid and my credit file is repairing from the minimum payments and such) he wouldn't take money off me just like that. So a holiday might be a better option, A city break or something.

suki1964 said:

You boyfriend already has the expenses of running a home, you joining him doesn't double them.

You concentrate on getting those debts shifted and buy a shop as and when you can. This won't be forever, I'm sure that as your relationship flourishes and you move along, things will change where you will be a position of adding more financial help.

Many a time in our 30 years together Mr S has shouldered the majority of the bills. Right now, because he can't work because of Covid, it's me. Its swings and roundabouts in relationships, bit of give and take, for richer and poorer

I know, I hope so, I don't want him thinking I am using him. I am getting the debts shifted. I am seeing the numbers go down and no interest going on, which is really helping. I've never had one of these cards before. If I pay off before the interest free period ends (I will have) will I get we get another bill for use of the facility or will the bank go "ok thanks for giving us our cash back"?

rach_k said:

He sounds lovely.
Throw all your spare money at the debts to clear them.  If it makes you feel better, keep a tally of what you would have contributed towards join expenses and then when the debts are paid off, save up that amount and then ask him what you should do with the money together.  Maybe a holiday or something nice for the home or just have fun for a while!

Great idea, I am thinking city break and we could have fun too!

BrassicWoman said:

Does he own his own place? It’s actually in his best interests not to let you contribute if so, so you have no claim in the property. 

He does, he inherited it from his parents years ago. 
I'm no longer scared to check my phone or answer it (Was always scared someone would be ringing for me to pay more money). Hes given me a freedom no one else has, I can't ever thank him enough.

Mojisola

AnnabelleLB said:

I know, I hope so, I don't want him thinking I am using him.

Do tell him that you're worried about that, rather than letting it stew and getting stressed about it.

You've found a wonderful man - enjoy the good relationship.  There will be times in the future when he needs your help - financially or otherwise - and you'll be able to repay his generosity.

Mnd

OK. Without bragging. This was us at the start of our relationship. We wife now was in a mess financially and I basically helped out her money troubles one by one until now she is brilliant with money. I didn't do that with any motive except to get our life straight. We've been married 14 years now. No debt or mortgage. Just love him and appreciate what he's doing for you. We're not all bar stewards! Good luck. Mark

suki1964

Re your credit card, don't be afraid of it, just don't use it anymore unless you know you can afford to

I have one, I use it only to pay for larger purchases that I know I can afford, I pay the card of monthly, I just use it for the extra protection it gives me and to. keep this so called credit rating good

You may be wise to read up Martins guides to credit. Not all credit is bad, but all credit has to be paid back

Good luck for the future, talk to the boyfriend to let him know how you are feeling , keeping communication going keeps the relationship strong

AnnabelleLB

Mojisola said:

AnnabelleLB said:

I know, I hope so, I don't want him thinking I am using him.

Do tell him that you're worried about that, rather than letting it stew and getting stressed about it.

You've found a wonderful man - enjoy the good relationship.  There will be times in the future when he needs your help - financially or otherwise - and you'll be able to repay his generosity.

I will talk to him, he is lovely. always looks after me. I know he will need me, Its a 2 way street, just didn't expect him to sort this for me, because its a big thing to do for someone.

Mnd said:

OK. Without bragging. This was us at the start of our relationship. We wife now was in a mess financially and I basically helped out her money troubles one by one until now she is brilliant with money. I didn't do that with any motive except to get our life straight. We've been married 14 years now. No debt or mortgage. Just love him and appreciate what he's doing for you. We're not all bar stewards! Good luck. Mark

The thing is, I'm really good with money, All this debt was accrued by my ex, who took these cards and accounts in my name. He was an idiot. He did emotionally abuse me as well as there was a threat of physical violence, He is out of my life now. but it seems I am still paying for it.

suki1964 said:

Re your credit card, don't be afraid of it, just don't use it anymore unless you know you can afford to

I have one, I use it only to pay for larger purchases that I know I can afford, I pay the card of monthly, I just use it for the extra protection it gives me and to. keep this so called credit rating good

You may be wise to read up Martins guides to credit. Not all credit is bad, but all credit has to be paid back

Good luck for the future, talk to the boyfriend to let him know how you are feeling , keeping communication going keeps the relationship strong

I have a credit card, I paid it in full every month. These cards were from another bank. He took the statements, made minimum payments then they all started flooding in when he left.

I'm not used to anyone being nice to me.