Husband wants control of my bank account.

lulu650

To the OP, I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis for MS. This must be such a scary time for you and for your husband.
The lack of communication between the two of you is what really leapt out at me from your initial post. Unless I've misunderstood, your husband wasn't aware that your illness needed you to reduce your hours at work and therefore reduced your salary enough that you couldn't afford to pay bills and expenses. You took out a loan for £5k without any discussion with him at all. You now have no salary, although some benefits, whilst still attempting to pay this loan?
You are upset that he is considering becoming your carer by leaving his job but how do you know you won't need a carer in the future? Is your MS progressive? Could he come to any medical appointments that you may have so that this could be discussed?
I don't see financial abuse so much as see a very scared man who has just realised the future now looks very different to a little while ago. 
BTW Are you classed as extremely vulnerable with this coronovirus? It's 12 week isolation if so. 

Socajam

gt568 said:

Interesting thread....

If it were a man hiding debt, then many would advise a joint account and "control" of finances to the other party....

Exactly.  The double standard is nauseating

Socajam

lulu650 said:

To the OP, I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis for MS. This must be such a scary time for you and for your husband.
The lack of communication between the two of you is what really leapt out at me from your initial post. Unless I've misunderstood, your husband wasn't aware that your illness needed you to reduce your hours at work and therefore reduced your salary enough that you couldn't afford to pay bills and expenses. You took out a loan for £5k without any discussion with him at all. You now have no salary, although some benefits, whilst still attempting to pay this loan?
You are upset that he is considering becoming your carer by leaving his job but how do you know you won't need a carer in the future? Is your MS progressive? Could he come to any medical appointments that you may have so that this could be discussed?
I don't see financial abuse so much as see a very scared man who has just realised the future now looks very different to a little while ago. 
BTW Are you classed as extremely vulnerable with this coronovirus? It's 12 week isolation if so. 

The most sensible response to the OP.
No one wants to be surprised with debt and to add to that you have MS (not your fault, that's something in life we cannot do anything about) - that a double blow.
Who knows whether he was banking on your job (do you know if there are problems with his job?).  Now you have reduced hours, MS and a loan - that's three things coming to him all at once.
This is not  an excuse for him punching a hole in the wall - that's just adding more stress to your health and that's the last thing you need.
Regarding the bank account, I am always skeptical about not having a safety net (man or women) because if one person runs off with the money in the joint account, the other is left destitute.  I think a joint bank account for the household bills and a single account for to spend on what you want.
I have lived through debt and not being able to pay - robbing Peter to pay Paul - and it's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  The sooner you can get rid fo this debt the better it might be for your relationship and mental health.
I don't think your husband should take on the loan, that's your responsibility and you should repay it as soon as possible.  Maybe he should take on more of the household bills, so that you have more money to put towards the loan.
I hope things work out and as someone suggested seek counseling maybe on your own first, and later with your husband - this is a must.  Good luck

Grenage

A joint account for bills and expenses is a decent idea when both parties are making the payments.  I'd be pretty angry if my partner took out a 5k loan without telling me, as I would expect her to be the same.

It's relatively easy for us because I pay all the bills and they come out of my account, so I know what's due and what's in the account to cover it.  I would be really uncomfortable if it was split between two accounts and I couldn't see the second - hence a joint account being the solution.

As for his behaviour, we're only getting one side of the story but it sounds like he's handling it poorly.

pollypenny

Comms69 said:

pollypenny said:

Having to 'ask' your husband for financial support is wrong. Don't you work together as a family?  

I agree with you, but taking out a loan without talking to him is wrong too. 

It's obvious there's lots of issues here, but i can see the general point that he is working and caring, during a difficult time globally - and cant give up work to care for the OP because of debts.

Access to the account doesnt seem to make sense. But i guess he's concerned she'll take out another loan

I was thinking that having to take out a loan was a symptom of their financial, and other, separateness. 

sheramber

Do you need home be at home to care for you at  present? If not, why is he so set on giving up work?
Showing you his bank is not the same as taking control of yours. You offered to allow him to see yours.
He  does sound scared but you have said there is a history of him of controlling you so maybe  the fact that you got a loan he didn't know about undermines his feeling of being the one in control.
There is a lot more wrong with your relationship than access to bank accounts.

Davesnave

Carpediem10 said:

Frogletina said:

If he's wanting control of your finances it sounds to me like financial abuse.

Oh, no he doesn't turn violent ever when asking to see my bank account or that I mean he screams and shouts at times and has been known to punch walls and things but he's never hit me or anything.

Someone can be an abuser without ever raising their voice or becoming violent. As kazwookie says, an abuser will work on destroying another's confidence, placing undeserved blame on them and perhaps re-interpreting the past  to achieve that end. Suggesting that you are in some way responsible for your ill health and unable to think or decide monetary matters would be a classic example.

Jo_F

I'm pretty sure that in allowing him access to your account like this would constitute a breach of terms with the bank  (i kniow my husband got a verbal kicking from his bank when he had to change his online banking password as I had accidently locked hi out checking something for him).  It could result in the bank closing the account.   You could mention that to him

Comms69

pollypenny said:

Comms69 said:

pollypenny said:

Having to 'ask' your husband for financial support is wrong. Don't you work together as a family?  

I agree with you, but taking out a loan without talking to him is wrong too. 

It's obvious there's lots of issues here, but i can see the general point that he is working and caring, during a difficult time globally - and cant give up work to care for the OP because of debts.

Access to the account doesnt seem to make sense. But i guess he's concerned she'll take out another loan

I was thinking that having to take out a loan was a symptom of their financial, and other, separateness. 

Perhaps. But the OP didnt say that.

The household relies on a single income for the most part, and clearly the obligation to pay off this loan was going to come down to that income. The husband should know how the household money, provided via his labour, is spent. 

Obviously the are other factors here too

Titus_Wadd

Carpediem10 said:

I confessed to taking out a £5k loan. There were things that needed sorted and paying and I had to reduce my hours as after some particularly bad seizures I started losing my mobility, something that got worse and I'm now in the late stages of being diagnosed with MS and when I asked my husband for financial support he would turn it into an argument, so I just done what I could.

You don't need to say what the money was for but I interpreted this sentence to mean while you were still earning, albeit on reduced hours, you had expenses that you didn't feel able to ask your husband to cover.  If these were frivolous spending sprees, maybe you knew your husband would refuse to pay for them.  I know roughly what spending my husband wouldn't see as justified, but something in your post reads that you were covering more basic spending in taking out the loan.  Does your husband know what you used the loan money for?  With hindsight does he think that spending was unnecessary?  Ditching the joint account discussion for a while, maybe you could get to an agreement on what is essential spending; food bills etc, then prioritise other spending: are optional school trips for the kids more vaulable than another family member's hobby or regular hair appointments or whatever.  I've always found it's that lower tier of spending where there's less consensus and more conflict.

Going forward having some planning and agreement about what the family's money is used for is important.  All adults who have the capacity to handle money should have their own pot and autonomy over how they spend it.  But most couples are "peeing in the same pot" when it comes to paying housing costs, food and bills it shouldn't matter who is earning the lion's share.

If you're struggling to agree with your husband on how your joint funds are spent that would be my starting point.  Having a joint account comes after that.  If your condition deteriorates and your partner or other carer takes on the running of your financial affairs you need to be comfortable knowing your wishes are still being respected, so it would be good to focus on that.

OP if I've mis-read this sentence and run with it in completely the wrong direction let me know...I do tend to witter on!