Husband wants control of my bank account.

Mojisola

Carpediem10 said:

Frogletina said:

If he's wanting control of your finances it sounds to me like financial abuse.

Oh, no he doesn't turn violent ever when asking to see my bank account or that I mean he screams and shouts at times and has been known to punch walls and things but he's never hit me or anything.

There are lots of different ways partners abuse each other - if he does these things and now wants control of your finances, you are in an abusive relationship.

NBLondon

It may just be a short-term panic reaction to a) discovering that you had a loan that he didn't know about and b) realising that he may end up caring for you with a much reduced income.  Moving money around to get out of debt is a sensible approach and you should be doing it together.
You said:  we always said we wouldn't have a joint bank account.   and then I reiterated my ideas and even suggested I open a fresh account and all our money go in there. All our bills, standing orders etc come out of it and if we need anything extra we can take it and pop a note in the reference.   So the new one would be a joint account?    It seems like a plan for being in it together under changed circumstances which are going to be stressful for both of you.

It's not financial abuse - not yet.  It could just be a hamfisted attempt to help.

You also say because he is terrible for not allowing me to spend my wages on things before there was any debt  So maybe you are right to be wary - but equally the fact that you appear to have got into debt, taken out a loan to cover it and not shared your concerns with him could also make him think you aren't in control and need more help than you actually do.  You might well have thought "My money, my debt, my problem for me to fix".

Let it calm down a bit.  Re-iterate the pragmatic solution of a new account and using that to discuss together how to organise things and work as a team.   If he's genuinely wanting to help, he should think about it.   If he's insistent about wanting all control - then there's a major trust issue going on - and that's the thing that has to be fixed.

I do hope it works out for both of you and the family.  You didn't ask to be ill and you shouldn't be blamed for it.

pinkshoes

If you are not working, then something needs to change...

But him having control of your account does not make sense. You need a JOINT account that you both pay all your income into (salary, benefits etc...) then work out how much basic costs are (food, bills, travel to work, mortgage etc...) then anything left over can be transferred to your personal accounts to spend.

pollypenny

Having to 'ask' your husband for financial support is wrong. Don't you work together as a family?  

Comms69

pollypenny said:

Having to 'ask' your husband for financial support is wrong. Don't you work together as a family?  

I agree with you, but taking out a loan without talking to him is wrong too. 

It's obvious there's lots of issues here, but i can see the general point that he is working and caring, during a difficult time globally - and cant give up work to care for the OP because of debts.

Access to the account doesnt seem to make sense. But i guess he's concerned she'll take out another loan

Chyna-s

If I were your husband, I'd be worried that if you could hide a loan, what else are you hiding.

gt568

Interesting thread....

If it were a man hiding debt, then many would advise a joint account and "control" of finances to the other party....

Margaret_100

Irrespective of you taking out a loan without your husbands knowledge you may well be suffering financial abuse.
you can obtain more information and help from
Refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/financial-abuse/
or phone the National Domestic Abuse Help Line on 0808 2000 247.

Fireflyaway

Punching walls, shouting and blocking you on his phone are all ways he is asserting his dominance. I'm guessing you took out the loan in secret to begin with because you were too worried about his reaction to discuss the situation and deal with it together. That's not healthy. I can see how he would feel betrayed finding out you went behind his back but he should think about his behavior and consider his part in why you did that. 
With everything going on do you think he is worried about losing his job? Could he be feeling the pressure of knowing providing the income is now all down to him? 
If you want your own bank account you are perfectly entitled to and nobody can stop you! Maybe explain you want to be able to buy your husband birthday presents etc or get your nails done without having to ask him every time. If your husband was controlling how you spent your own salary that's not right and it does sound controlling. Could you suggest going to counselling ? Maybe start by writing him an email / letter. That way it can't get into an argument. My suspicion is he feels vulnerable or is lacking self esteem and so getting on the defensive. See if you can find the route cause. Stay safe though. You don't want to end up in a situation where you are unable to spend any money or you become trapped. 

Mojisola

gt568 said:

Interesting thread....

If it were a man hiding debt, then many would advise a joint account and "control" of finances to the other party....

Not if his partner was shouting, punching the wall and generally making life miserable for him. 

Abuse is abuse, whether the abuser is male or female.