Husband wants control of my bank account.

Carpediem10

Things between my husband and myself have been strained for a while but we had seemed to have resolved them by speaking. One of the things we done was say we'd be very honest about anything that's happened in the last 12 months the other doesn't know about, so I confessed to taking out a £5k loan. There were things that needed sorted and paying and I had to reduce my hours as after some particularly bad seizures I started losing my mobility, something that got worse and I'm now in the late stages of being diagnosed with MS and when I asked my husband for financial support he would turn it into an argument, so I just done what I could. He seemed to take it on board and things were great between us. I no longer work as my health continues to deteroriate and I am waiting my outcome regarding PIP.  We are managing absolutely fine money wise but my husband has started talking about leaving work to become my full time carer and when I explained the financial impact at the moment would be extremely hard he told me that was my fault, not his. He remained in a mood. Yesterday he texted and advised me he was angry that I had put us in the position where he has to worry about me and continue working and the best way to clear our feet to allow him to care for me, would be to have my online banking details. He said its not to monitor what I spend, but it'll allow him the freedom to move money around as he wants and get us debt free. I said no, I don't feel comfortable with it and we always said we wouldn't have a joint bank account. I offered various alternatives, even agreeing to let him link my account to his app, so he could see the balance of my account. He said no, he wants to monitor standing orders and direct debits. Needless to say the atmosphere was terrible in my house. This morning he woke me at 7am by throwing the laptop on the bed and showing me his online banking to prove it's not the big deal I am making it out to be. I reiterated my ideas and even suggested I open a fresh account and all our money go in there. All our bills, standing orders etc come out of it and if we need anything extra we can take it and pop a note in the reference. He said I was being ridiculous and that's not what he wants. Am I being unreasonable? Why does he need access to this account? Why can't we have one as I suggested? I don't like him being able to move money around freely as he sees fit, because he is terrible for not allowing me to spend my wages on things before there was any debt and I worry he'll just make everything an argument. He's left for work today and after saying bye to our kids he just slammed the door. I've texted him but he's left me on read and then switched his phone off. I am really unwell just now with what doctors are saying is an ms attack and I just don't want to fight or go back to a month ago where I honestly thought he was going to leave us. 

badmemory

Just to play devil's advocate, maybe you might be better off if he did leave.  Someone who blames you for getting sick is not the person you want looking after you when you are.

chelseablue

To put it bluntly, tell him to F off 

Carpediem10

badmemory said:

Just to play devil's advocate, maybe you might be better off if he did leave.  Someone who blames you for getting sick is not the person you want looking after you when you are.

I have wondered that myself but I've also never been in the situation where I'm not working, have 2 children and struggle to care for myself at the moment. I know once I'm fully diagnosed with treatment and a plan my life should be all but normal and I can return to work etc, but it's the just now. 

Carpediem10

chelseablue said:

To put it bluntly, tell him to F off 

I have! Haha. I'm not one to back down but I'm so drained all the time and I've never not had my own income from work. I have been awarded ESA at the moment but pip is on hold because rightfully the nurses who do the assessments are needed elsewhere. He just makes it seem like I'm in the wrong. 

Frogletina

If he's wanting control of your finances it sounds to me like financial abuse.

Carpediem10

I should add he has advised if I get a settlement figure for the loan, he will pay it off by taking out a loan in his name with a cheaper interest rate as its just another thing for me to struggle with. 

kingfisherblue

"Thank you for offering to help. However, having MS does not mean that I am mentally incapacitiated or unable to make financial decisions."

Is he suggesting that you have full access to his bank account as well?

Carpediem10

Frogletina said:

If he's wanting control of your finances it sounds to me like financial abuse.

Oh, no he doesn't turn violent ever when asking to see my bank account or that I mean he screams and shouts at times and has been known to punch walls and things but he's never hit me or anything.

Carpediem10

kingfisherblue said:

"Thank you for offering to help. However, having MS does not mean that I am mentally incapacitiated or unable to make financial decisions."

Is he suggesting that you have full access to his bank account as well?

Well that is it, I'm of sound mind. I done something because there were things needing done that couldn't wait without impacting our health that he believed could wait.

Up until this morning he's never shown me his bank. He basically has said he wishes to be in charge of our finances to ensure we are working as a team and clearing debt quicker. Debt that I've brought in to the house that he now needs to fix. 

kazwookie

It sounds to be like a case of verbal domestic abuse.

Sounds like he is out to grind you down, knock your confidence etc

I would tell him (like some has already said) to f off.

Do you really deep deep down want to be with some one like this?

I wish you well, but keep saying no